Following the recent announcement that Rocket Rob of Universal Exports is to be general at mayhem paintball, rob has been exploring his tactical options. Once again, our fearless reporters in UEkkileaks can break the story of Rocket Rob's tactically tactical tactics.

Rocket Rob is to general in the style of Trigger Happy TV's Dom Jolly. This is due to the little known fact that Jolly was once considered as a security threat at Mayhem paintball centre. Security chiefs at the All England Paintball Club apparently feared he would walk on to the centre of tank field with his giant mobile phone and shout his catchphrase: Hello ... no it's rubbish! A picture of the guerrilla comedian was distributed among staff to prevent him from entering the grounds, amongst the usual copies of White Dwarf and Razzle.

Speaking on BBC Radio 5 Live, Jolly said: When I was doing Trigger Happy and I had the big mobile I was told (by a friend working at Mayhem) they actually had a special meeting where they handed out my picture and a picture of my mobile phone. They were sure that I was going to come and do a 'Hello, I'm the battlements of the fort at mayhem paintball' and 'No it's rubbish!'.

Rocket added I intend to do some form of guerrilla action at the southern softy abridge site, I think at this year's Pacific game I will just walk around the field in a giant squirrel outfit stealing everybody's paintballs pretending they are tasty nuts! My main target will be that jumped up North v South General 'Ged Green'. I would defiantly like a taste of his salty nuts.

However UE team members pointed out that begin dressed as a giant squirrel it inherently dangerous due to the attendance of BOSFA. BOSFA (buggerer of small fury animals) is well known by the RSPCA, RSPB, RAC, AA, Green Flag, London Zoo & Bradford council for being a danger to animals and curry houses. Even after years of expensive therapy, paid for by the tax payer I might add (note UE do not pay tax), BOSFA still cannot rid himself of the urge to molest animals & eat curry.

This begs a modern social question; is it case of nature vs. nurture to be a BOSFA? According to the Daily Mail, BOSFA's are the same as pedos. They also killed Diana, are usually immigrants and are on £100k benefits a year.

Like literally every single word inside the Daily Mail, these facts are irrefutable, and to do so would make you a terrorist.

UE's institute for studies have developed a working theory that BOSFA is in fact allergic to Ford Fiestas. UE intend to 'cruise' the battle field in a car, giving other players the finger and eating service station pasties.