Meet the team : Capital Killerz

Capital Killerz : Convicted Feral Wood Hobbits

Capital Killerz are the latest addition to Team South

This highly trained group of halflings are Woodsball experts... however to use the word expert is an understatement. Their background is mysterious, shrouded by the sands of time and quite a lot of Lambrini. Read on as we bring you the facts about this elite paintball and potato farming collective.

In 2016 several friends formed a vertically challenged accessibility group, and it quickly grew as other manlets coalesced around them. They found the subtleties of Woodsball natural, and after playing for several years it became apparent that there was more afoot than mutual skill, natural adaption and being a short arse who loves second-breakfast. But how? Why were they different to the average player?

For several years it was simply considered an oddity amongst the paintball community. They were smaller, more earthen and adapted to the wooded environment. They did not suffer the bites and stings usually associated with wood player. Players would eschew their tents and sleep naked in the woods. This is a regular occasion in paintball, but critically this team would do it sober. Doctors would refuse to treat them, citing obscure reasons such as "being certifiably not human", and "having a completely unknown blood-type".

However, the happy-go-lucky crew found their answer in 2018. Midway through a gunfight at Paintfest, one of the senior short-stacks, Marsh, noticed a buried scroll. Thinking it was an objective, he quickly dug it from its resting place using his hairy and stumpy fingers. He heroically ran away from the fight back to the safe zone. Thankfully for him this didn't affect the game outcome. Most of the paintball community are lazy and use events as an excuse to have a public hangover, as well as giving some truth to the lie they tell their GP that they are active.

He opened the scroll and found arcane text and scrawls that seemed to date back time eternal. The gathered paintballers were baffled by them, but this team could seem to understand this ancient dialect. The truth was there. They were an ancient race of hobbit like humanoids specialised in wood combat. Since this revelation they have embraced their hobbited nature, immersing themselves in their historic culture.

The reality of living in a paintball game zone is far safer than living in South London, so this is where they now abide... feeding off bracken, potatoes and straggling players who are cannibalistically sacrificed to the honour of "Geo", the Eclipse God.

Over time their paintball skills sharpened, and the team have evolved to become the hunting and tuber farming machines they are now.

Capital Killerz celebrate the potato harvest

They were briefly sued by JRR Tolken for calling their team "Special Forces Hobbit Brigade", which is particularly impressive because he has been dead since 1973. They were summoned to the High Court in London, but during the trial they ate several Judges, 4 barristers and 8 of the Jury. They lost the case but gave it 4 stars on Trip Advisor and recommended that Michelin review it next year. The local gangs labelled them the Capital Killerz, and this name has stuck.

Despite their fierce reputation, their favourite TV Show is "Jane the Virgin", and they are partial to long romantic walks, just without their clothes on.

For their promotional material they need to use a complex set of photographic equipment and forced perspective camera tricks to look normal-sized, and this gives them another advantage on the field... a small target is harder to hit.

Capital Killerz

The above picture was actually taken on a Hornby trainset.

Team South welcomes these artisans of wood warfare.