The Joint Southern General, Paul Edwards, has been in deep cover infiltrating team North on a special forces mission of dazzling brilliance.

After a comprehensive recon session, he found the ideal way to be ignored by the North. Instead of camo or a ghillie suit he switched between multiple perfect disguises that would ensure no northern players would register him. Starting out dressed as a salad, he slowly refined his disguise. Over several weeks he fine-tuned this to be a masterpiece of invisibility and espionage, with its final form being a "whole grain rustic hummous and brocolli open sandwich with balsamic vinegar and a rocket garnish".

This was completely invisible to northern eyes and he spent several weeks completely undetected.

On his final day he snapped the images below, showing the north running a training exercise which has been dubbed "2001 calories per portion: a lack of pulmonary artery space oddessy".

Before leaving he bombed the Greggs cholesterol pipelines running between Bradford and Wigan, meaning that supplies vital to the North will be delayed and likely lost. Wetherspoons was also hit, with alcopops being ravaged. Teen pregnancies have already plummeted now the people have sobered up and realised what they all actually look like.

For this he has been awarded the "Dietary Fibre Cross" from the powers that be...