North Versus South: The North Stirs (its Bovril)!

Putinated: Northern (In)activity update

Our prowess has been noticed by the international spying community. Team South's management have been head-hunted by the avatar of "styling out a painful Divorce": Elon Musk. General of Team South, Paul, was invited to his secret lair in California.

As part of the delegation, top actor and public school wet dream, Benedict Cumberbatch joined us. However, he seemed to be having a hard time of life. He came dressed as Doctor Who and spent the whole time in character, complete with tweed jacket, quasi-science based fobbishness and sonic screwdriver. This was particularly weird because he famously played Sherlock.

After a Born-In-The-USA tour of the local sights that included burgers and several school shootings, our Intrepid General was shown around the Skylink Factory where they were privvy to many secrets and American communication channels.

Before you become concerned; this was all a double-play by the brilliant Southern General. While Musk was momentarily distracted with crushing a workers union, our glorious General enacted his plan.

By accessing Elon Musks top secret satellite Network of satellites (codename INCEL-COM) he directly contacted Validmir Putin (real name Invalidimir Invalid-item-in-bagging-area Putain [*] ). Paul signed up the entirety of Team North to join the Russian Reservist army. Immediately, the current Chief of the General Staff, Army General Valery Gerasimov began searching and doing background checks [**].

Initial Russian glee at new recruits turned to stony disappointment upon seeing the quality of troops they were being offered. Even when compared to demoralised Russian prisoners, Team North had no positives. 82% of all failed the preliminary health checks, with Russia simply unable to manufacture enough statins and insulin to support the unit. Several of the North had moderate to severe cardiac events opening facebook, so a long winter in Ukraine would have been a waste of resources. Furthermore weapon scores were low across the board, with many unable to hit a target from 40 meters with a W-87 nuclear warhead.

Your application was denied

The Russians rejected all the soldiers who applied. However, they made a firm insistence that they be given contact details of Look North Presenter Keely Donovan, who they claimed "looked like she could suck a stroganoff through a straw".

The Southern General made the best of the situation and took the frequencies, encryption keys, and callsigns of all the Northern Radios and teams. Valuable info, even if it wasn't the main objective!

Result: Enemy intel confirmed

At this point, Musk returned. It was time to escape! General Paul quickly fled using his master stealth techniques. In the blink of an eye, he quickly adopted the form of some engineering grade lithium, moving quickly until he was out of the factory.

Outside, he immediately began blending into the American landscape. Initially he passed completely undetected by pretending to be an open-carry AR-15 with night vision, wth an extended mag and armour piercing rounds. Then, after a brief period as a Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme, he was finally able to escape through customs dressed as an Evangelical Christian with a small unaccompanied child.

Master of disguise

Cumberbatch was distracted by a Whatsapp from David Tennant suggesting that he stop pretending he was the Doctor, take the toy sonic screwdriver out of his bruine smokkel portemonnee and seek medical help. Cumberbatch tried to explain that "time was a wibbly wobbly thing", but this simply degenerated into an argument as Tennant pointed out that this was his line from an episode several years ago.

Distracted, he was captured. Cumberbatch was incarcerated in INCEL-catraz, Elon Musks custom prison where he keeps Grimes and his hair-loss treatment doctors. He is slowly being interrogated using weird right-wing memes and Grimes' piercing and weird music. We will update you on his fate soon!

INCEL-catraz musical torture wing


Once again, on his return General Paul was greeted in a secret debriefing. Only he and a few of the South's bravest men will ever know the true valour shown in his service. After his latest even more medals, his military dress is estimated to weigh over 37kgs and requires support for longer parade events.

His bravery and deep continued deep covert operations are giving Team South the vital intel required. The South Marches on!

[*] This was a very good joke and works on multiple levels in multiple languages. If you didn't laugh it's because you're thick, not because of the joke. Honest.

[**] Joke correct at time of writing, although he is likely to fall out of a window shortly.