Northern General's scandal: position now untenable

Northern Scandal : Wholegrain betrayal

The latest FACTDROP is unleashed on the world. UE's very own Keily Brock, North Korea's premium model, has been installed as editor-in-chief of the KNOCKER SQUAD... ready to knock on the door of the world and motorboat the truth into the open. Joining her is UEs Veteran reporter Malcolm Thrust Nunn who has been promoted to Fact-gina.

They are joined by UE veteran fact-exposer codename: "Sore Throat".


Due to the sheer volume of factualisms arriving over the next few weeks, they have recruited Saylor McTwift into the position of fact-penetrator. She completes the quadruple threat of Nunn-Brock--Throat-McTwift ready to relentlessly unleash the salty justice of truth to all who would swallow it.

Fit as a butcher's dog and as eager a puppy, McTwift provided this report:


Northern General and SAS Captain, Adam Parkman, has been embroiled in a scandal that threatens to make his position as general, and even a Northerner untenable.

The Northern team have been attempting to boost their profile, and for once it was not by spamming Facebook like normal paintballers. After spending the winter months meeting and greeting celebrities all over, the Northern Generals found themselves in murky social circles. Finally, after many greased palms and some palm jobs, the SAS Captain ended up with an invite to a certain controversial celebrity island.

His aim: recruit and gain funding from the Sex Illuminati... and specifically, find out a way to lose his virginity.

Worst party ever

However, due to an all too familiar admin error, Adam was not on his way to chief crimi-nonce Jeffrey Epstein's island. In fact, he was on his way to another famous celebrity island - hosted by a different Geoffrey.

Geoffery from 80's TV show Rainbow has set up his own island of sin just off the coast of Grimsby: Pasty Island.

Sponsored by Greggs and Aunt Bessies, this was a secret feasting zone of baked goods where the salad-dodger elite congregate. Their agenda? Classified. Many speculate that they are subsidised by Big Pharma to keep the people dependent on medication... Others insist that the government funds the group to ensure that benefits claimants die early and thus reduce their financial burden.

Love (of saturated fat) Island

On the island, Adam attempted to lobby several power players. Ronald McDonald and the Hamburgler have both agreed to subsidise a joint venture to feed the North in between gunfights, with the KFCs Colonel providing enough gravy to ensure zero artery function. The ironically named JB Sports also offered free trainers flexible enough to allow for the inevitable ankle swelling. These deals would subsidise team North and save them countless benefits.

Northern Sponsorship : Confirmed

After signing for the items, Adam left and headed off to the airport. So far, so good. However, this is where his mission for the North has led to disaster...

Wholegrain Betrayal

Following a heavy night of downing gravy, Adam returned early and skipped breakfast. After arriving at the ferry port, Adam popped into the Marks & Spencers, purchasing a drink and a sandwich. Given a packed train he had little choice but to upgrade to first class for £10.30.

UE's KNOCKER SQUAD had been shadowing him for several days by this point, having been fed intel by Team South's Who Dares Wins super spy Paul Edwards. Paul had been deep cover, hiding in plane sight using last years "rustic hummous and brocolli" cover story.

The KNOCKER SQUAD manoeuvred UE's tactical spy space station: the Starship Premier Inn-terprise, (codename: Brown Eye). Launching their newly developed Hyperflange Drones, video footage was captured and has been leaked to the internet. By the time the train had reached Scunthorpe, news of this poncy indulgent journey had spread.

Space Cholesterol Trackers : Launched

Adam was publicly arrested by Sean Bean and Jon Snow. After being held by police, he was charged by Vic and Bob, and awaits trial. The charges include:

  • buying a first class ticket
  • knowingly consuming:
    1. wholegrain bread
    2. roasted tofu with a delicately sweet fig jam preserve
    3. leafy rocket as a garnish
  • drinking a fruit smoothie

He will be trialled by the cast of Full Monty on March 24th at the Angel of the North. If found guilty, he could be exiled to Birmingham for up to 6 months.

This will leave Team North adrift with no leader and sponsorship deals ruined... Literally minutes after announcing their attendance at the North Versus South game, the situation already looks dire for the North.

A blinding scoop from McTwift. As always, the KNOCKER SQUAD will keep the UE fact dumps coming, ensuring that you are abreast of the situation.