Universal Exports are a communist collective of highly evolved sex monks that have come to be regarded as legends. However, this is not in the informal meaning of "good". It is mainly in the dictionary definition of "An unverified story handed down from earlier times, especially one popularly believed to be historical."
Today, like Elon's blue-ticks of justice, we come to verify these players and bring this team to life for the players at North Versus South:
You would understand Rocket as Team Captain, but his official title is "Holder of the leash". Rocket could be seen as a regular James Bond. Not the spy, but the accountant from Kettering who shops at Lidl, is under the thumb and mostly grumpy. An experienced general, he has personally generalled North Versus South twice and won.
That's right : a grumpy man who doesn't like people is a better than the North. This is exceptionally ironic as he is Northern, and this act of selling-out to the highest bidder truly sums up what makes UE great.
Initially Corky was one of those heroin ball-injector youths you read about on the news. One day, in an all to familiar UE admin error, he accidentally switched heroin for the water of life from Raiders of the Lost Ark and his physique was transformed. This has made his seed production so powerful that he has since sired over 2500 children.
Shortly afterwards, a bizarre gardening accident caused the water to spread to his whole body and now he is a remorseless engine of paintball destruction.
Unfortunately, the school run for him takes over 28 hours, so he isn't expected onsite until saturday afternoon unless he can find child care cover.
Charlie Two is so obsessed with organisation that he has weaponised it. In late 2022 he invented the Tippman LATTICE ENFORCER, and with that he has devised the perfect German tool of war. If your papers are not in order, he will unleash a devastating Deutsche-blast that forces you to become organised at a molecular level.
This crystallises his opponents into ACS grade wafers of elemental deposits. Your average paintballer is typically reduced into several odourless gasses, plates of ultra-high grade superconducting graphene, as well as perfectly formed crystals of other elements. To ensure this molecular destruction is particularly insulting, it is placed in the shape of a geodesically shaped cock. What a way to go!
Gero is a highly qualified radio operator. Fluently speaking 8,453 separate languages he is the master of communications, which is particularly impressive considering there are only 7,151 recognised languages.
Users who have encrypted comms are still no match for the linguistic dexterity of Gero. He has also adapted his laser like ears to understand the bcrypt protocols as well as the quantum secure CRYSTALS-Kyber standards fluently. When asked why he didn't have anything better to do, he told us to fuck off but used semaphore and morse code so it took us ages to work it out.
While UE is a communist collective, Soap is the Quartermaster. He is uniquely charged with the dirty work of interacting with the filthy capitalist pigs of the UK. He has become so adept at hyper-capitalism that he has started the UE "Derek Trotter" school of economics. This is of course a deep cover mission.
It is rumoured that he caused the Bitcoin Crash of Jun 2022. He shorted Lehman Brothers to buy a Geo3 early in his paintballing career, and has been known to manipulate trades to change the outcome of games. UE have not paid for any game, paint or transport for themselves since 2015.
In fact, He's already put YOU on ebay. Someone is already on their way to pick you up. His name was Russian, and it doesn't look good for you. Or your arse.
Fembo is by far and away Universal Exports' best player. A woman of superlative aggression and fearless play, for her paintball is just the beginning of her emotional purging. Mankind must pay, and we are its flesh and blood currency.
For her, it is not enough to crush the enemy; their essence must be destroyed, and they must die knowing that their death was futile and that they failed absolutely. The spirit must be crushed, and they must feel the emptiness of infinite failure.
That, and team work is super-fun times!
Despite jokes about furry animals, Hamster is actually short for "Holistic Actuator of Meme SaTuration Echo Relay". Using technologies not fully understood by mainstream science, he ensures that a constant supply of top-tier memes surround Universal Exports at all times. This so-called "Dank Zone" creates a vortex where mundane talk is ripped from the conversation. Try to quote Monty Python, Peter Kay or Red Dwarf more than once per day inside the dank zone, and psionic forces will crush your trigeminal nerve disabling your jaw.
A second offense, such as doing multiple impressions of Trigger from Only Fools and Horses will cause paralysis of the whole body.
After which you'll fall over, probably through a bar, a bit like Del Boy did in the episode Yuppy Love from Jan 8, 1989.
That's it for part one. Just so it's re-enforced: here's a picture of Rocket winning NvS.
Read em and weep.