Another gripping report is hot off the electro-presses of the UE website. Sailor McTwift now returns with an update full of juicy facts:

The accidental, but still unforgivable wholegrain betrayal of Northern General Adam has left scars deep psyche of the North. With morale dangerously low, they have been scrabbling to look for solutions.

For those who have not been following the plot so far: Northern General and Team SAS Captain Adam Parkman attempted to visit a sex island while looking for sponsors. In an all too familiar admin error, he ended up on "Greggs Island", filling up on baked goods.

To his team's delight, this error actually paid off. He took the initiative and secured many high saturated fat sponsors. However, due to a booking error on the return journey, he had to go first class and with a limited range in the buffet car he was left little choice but to eat a wholegrain sandwich.

This caused a backlash in the north and his sponsors dropped out.

The figurative scars of wholegrain betrayal have caused a lot of strife in Team North leaving people feeling awful... Much like actual the cholesterol-based arterial scars they suffer from. Their high-fat sponsors quickly distanced themselves, stopping lucrative income of beige food and financial support. A statement from Greggs said that "anyone who would ingest fibre - by accident or otherwise is not our friend". Aunt Bessie's simply sent Parkman a turd in the post.

This left General Parkman and SAS in trouble and needing vital funds. As part of our investigation, we contacted UE's official number cruncher: International mathematics inspired hip hop legend, Fifty Cent (short for Fifty Percent). He ran the numbers and there was no way that the North's benefits would cover more than 73 rounds of economy paint - even if the entire team got pregnant and claimed child support.

Team SAS is an acronym for Team: "Sleep Apnoea Support" - an international support group for those with the debilitating condition. Symptoms include:

• feeling very tired
• finding it hard to concentrate
• having mood swings
• having a headache when you wake up

There are several ways to treat Sleep Apnoea, but these mainly involve exercise or losing weight... so rather than that, SAS decided to become a paintball team, as the symptoms of paintball are identical. With this approach, they could blame any bad experiences on the game, not themselves and thus avoiding any hassle of actually improving as people. Furthermore, this is another benefit they can claim, giving them 113 state-sponsored rounds per game.

This would not be enough for most of the teams involved. To this end, General Parkman has had another idea: being inspired by the recent Sex Island misadventure, SAS and Team North have opened three new revenue streams:

OnlyHAMS

As part of a medical trial, Team North will only eat sponsor-delivered experimental ham for the whole season. They will have various medical devices strapped to them, with multiple colon implants fitted to measure the health dangers and benefits of this diet. This trial is run by international food supplier "Carno-bastards" and if successful, the experimental ham will be used in their economy dogfood.

KEKsHamster

The medical devices used will eventually be fitted to a thong/pantie arrangement delivered by "KEKsHamster" who specialise in medical grade boxers and keks. This trial is set to be particularly difficult for them, as the extreme lack of Northern fibre promises the most brutal of skid marks and wear.

This is in parallel with:

BARMhub

To increase the amount of experimental ham ingested, experimental bread with literally no nutritional value has been developed by Hovis. Guaranteed to dangerously spike blood sugar, provide almost no satiation, and pass through you like a thread... this is the perfect partner for Team North.

Thanks to these generous donations, Team North are back on track with finance for at least 235 balls per player, as well as unlimited bread and ham to keep the excuses flowing. This should mean NvS is back on... although doctors warn that the North's mortality rate before next year should be seriously reviewed.

Southern General Ricktion pointed out that if Team North were dead, it would only marginally affect their performance, and he welcomed their ability to now afford paint.