Following on from the successful Team advice for new players article, Team South continue their impartial and informative series. Next on the agenda is the question of what to do when you first arrive onsite!
The North Versus South festival is held on a large site, and there's plenty to do. Here's our recommended approach:
Understand the layout
With this being a large site, it's important to quickly get your bearings. You will need to do several bits of admin such as parking your vehicle, registering with the NvS staff and choosing a campsite location.
The first two are fairly simple, but let's quickly examine the last one:
A good campsite offers all that you need to live comfortably for the weekend. Location of toilets will be good to pay attention to... particularly if you're on a low fibre diet, such as Team North. Similarly, showers are available and Southerners often use these. They are less relevant to Team North as they have a rival set of "Student Showers" which are popular. These are actually just a crate of Lynx Africa deodorants that fell off the back of a van near Scunthorpe. These have been liberated, and now they are the preferred hygiene method of Team North.
Once you've found your location, pop your tent up, get unpacked, then it's time to move on to the next phase.
NvS have air, chrono and safe shooting zones that are running almost all weekend. It's heavily recommended that you test your marker and any other equipment before you move onwards. There are plenty of shops and mechanics onsite who can offer help, so the earlier you check everything is in order, the better.
Classic items to check are markers, hoppers (and the batteries in both), but also other items such as radios and helmet cams can be good to look at.
Northern players may also want to check their defibrillators, insulin pumps and police ankle tags.
Once you're confirmed as good to go, it's time to find out about the game specifics.
Check in with your generals
Southern Players will want to find their Command Tent. This is run by Who Dares Wins and Universal Exports and will be a gazebo complex including briefing rooms, tactic information and general help. Make sure you say "Hi", introduce yourself, and you'll be looked after.
Northern players will want to check in with SAS and Hostile Otters. They usually will have a Gravy Silo set up, where there is usually greyhound racing and cockfighting going on. Show your ID [Eccles Cake/Steak Bake/Black Pudding/Tattoo of Neil Kinnock all accepted] and you'll be allowed into the ring.
Now it's time to soak up the atmosphere.
Walk the stalls/relax
There's plenty to see at NvS, even off the field. With a wide variety of paintball vendors and shops as well as a load of the typical festival offerings you'll find something that grabs your interest.
Southern Players should make particular note of the bar, as it's a great place to unwind after a long day of field domination and tactical superiority. Similarly, there are entertainments including a band, speeches/info on stage and so forth. It would be a good idea for Team South to ensure they have easy access as it's likely going to be a lot of trips on stage to collect the various awards.
Northern players will also want to find the bar. They should be able to steal an empty used glass and top it up with White Lightning, which should really help with the disappointment at losing.
There will also be some new brands this year which should be particularly relevant:
- This great new startup offers audiobooks to listen to when the Northerners are banging on about the steel farms and the pasty mines. Listen to thousands of authors, all of whom actually finished school and also who don't define themselves through perceived poverty. Recommended.
- Shat-less PPN
- Shat-less PPN (Pant Privacy Network) is a new service that anonymises the data of your undergarments, meaning that brown hackers won't be able to tell if you've had an accident. They mask and encrypt the smell, meaning that you can live safe in the knowledge that no one will know. Dropped your guts after another Greggs taken from the bins? Shit yourself scared after facing down a Southern attack? We've got you covered, from bum cigars to turtles head.
- This new app offers a live translation service for all players attempting to interact with Northern Players. It moves the difficult and gutteral moans of those north of Derby into normal English, like that you might find taught in a school. Stop worrying about remembering the details of "ginnel", "having a face on", or what a "mard" is and start communicating today!
As you can see, there's plenty to do even before any paint is fired. By following the above guide you'll be oriented, as well as ready to play quickly and efficiently. Remember, Universal Exports are independent advisors and simply want you give you the best information out there.
Including why there will be groups of people downing pints of Bisto.