North Versus South Big Game, and in particular Team South, are keen to engage in the paintball community. While we've all heard a fair bit about the great line-ups from both sides, it's time to focus and welcome in other players. Often referred to as "punters" or "walk ons", there's a lot to talk about regarding unaffiliated players!

Here at Universal Exports, we want to help the average player. We are purveyors of facts so factual that the average person may suffer heart palpitations. So visceral are these facts, that virgin births often occur. Our mission is to skewer the propaganda swirling around with fact-lances of pure, white-hot factuality.

And that's a fact.

Each week, we will provide a guide about a different area of paintball. We will cradle you in the gentle arms of our knowledge, and you will suckle at the teat of our lacto-facts. Let us begin!

As you prepare for the festival, the first option you will be faced with is: what team to choose?

Fact Set 1: team choices!

What team you choose can be a random choice... sometimes it can be affected by many factors. For the unaffiliated player, many things are hidden. Usually these can be friendships, organisational structure, or simply geographic location.

We feel that for an unaffiliated player it can be important to get a feel about what the average player in each team is up to. To help you with this, Universal Exports have allocated their research team from their Headquarters in Pyongyang. They have researched hard and long, deep into the night. They work tirelessly, ensuring that facts penetrate into the holes of untruth.

A day in the life: Team South Player "Jonathon"

• Wake up refreshed having slept well, punctuated by several glorious dreams of victory.
• Breakfast luxuriously, with plenty of complex carbs, fruits, nuts and seeds ready for an active day in the economically active part of the UK.
• Work hard in the morning, contributing to several key parts of your business. Receive praise and respect from your co-workers.
• You take a lunchtime break, finally look at phone. There has been a constant background trickle of provocative messages from beautiful women. One notable whatsapp message is from Rachel Riley offering "two from the top" and "as many as you want from the bottom".
• You enjoy a healthy lunch in a local restaurant with friends. The Waitress also tries to slip you her number.
• As you return to work, your phone pings with notice of a job offer on Linkedin. It is a promotion, and you mull it over as you stroll back to your desk.
• You finish an hour early and use the work gym, doing some good work. You leave refreshed and adrenalised.
• The rest of your colleagues finish around the same time invite you for drinks. You pop along for a pint. Bear in mind - you can actually afford it. Any pint is expensive when you don't have a job, but you do, so this is of no cencern.
• After an hour you make your excuses and go to a pre-arranged date. She arrives, beautifully dressed and blushing with nerves as you enter the Michelin starred restaurant.
• The date goes well, but as the night progresses she quickly realises she is going to have to work hard to secure such a catch. She politely excuses herself and makes a call.
• The date progresses, and shortly after pudding, her twin sister arrives, with colour coded dresses. They both hand you their knickers and demand that you come to their penthouse.
• You enjoy three hours of tantalising sex, which is only marred by a slight guilt of making one of them orgasm so hard her heart stopped for 27 seconds. You'll have to be more gentle next time!
• You return home and relax in your silk sheeted bed. You finally respond to Rachel Riley, negotiating for a date but only if Holly Willoughby is also there.
• She agrees, you fall asleep.

A day in the life: Team North Player "Kes"

• Wake up behind the bins at Co Op. Local stray dog pissing on you who maintains eye contact throughout to ensure dominance.
• You gag your way through a breakfast of supermarket discarded black pudding and economy beans.
• Limp the half mile walk to local police station to do your daily 4 hours of community service. Soon you'll be free, but your counsellor says you'd better not get caught "interfering with Yorkshire puddings" any more, even if it was due to a trouser malfunction and definitely not your fault.
• Once complete, you are free for the day. You steal some pork scratchings from the Dog and Hammer for a nutritious lunch.
• Doom scroll on Facebook for a few minutes. You have no new friend requests. You talk a walk.
• Moderate to serious cardiac event outside JJB sports.
• Finally it's time to collect your benefits. You claim to have 4 estranged kids for an extra payout, but inside you feel the guilt and shame as you know you're a virgin deep down.
• Go on a top value spending spree with 2 bottles of White Lightning and several scratch cards.
• Treat yourself to a Wetherspoons Sunday roast, despite it being Tuesday. After a few minutes you are asked to leave for abusing their fair-use policy on gravy portions
• Chug the remaining White Lightning left in your plastic bag. You fall asleep up against a wall of TK Maxx as the warm blanket of alcoholic dependence and depression cuddles you to sleep.

Summary

As you can see, it's a complex choice between the two teams, and you must decide by yourself. We at Universal Exports are independent advisors and simply want you to make the correct choice for you.

The choice that involves you not having a cardiac event just after the first objective goes live.