SBG writeup

SBG writeup

Date September 1st-4th, 2023
Venue SBG, Brozek, PL 68343 Zasieki, Poland
Promoter Scenario Big Game
Players Buttstuff, CharlieTwo, Fingerblast, Forty, Gero, Ricktion, Rocket, Scar
Result Victory

Journey to Polska

SBG is just over the Polish/German border. As usual for foreign games, the UE Electrowagon of Paintball Justice made the journey over. It was waved through the Channel Tunnel, and made its way quickly through France and Belgium, setting up camp just into Germany. Rising early, Ricktion and Fingerblast were able to witness the greatest traffic works and torrential rain recorded. Another wonderful experience on the German Autobahn. They finally arrived at border town of Forst and waited for the rest of UE to arrive.

SBG Site

The SBG site has some of the best infrastructure in Europe. There's a good bar/restaurant as well as a large vendor and food area, giving plenty of options; although this is "East European" fare so the v-squad options are very limited. A large stage is used for presentations and bands in the evening. The main building is a 3 story complex, offering rooms to some players. There's also a well-stocked shop and reception. With plenty of showers, even UE enjoyed silky clean balls after each game. Bertl, the owner, ensured there was excellent hospitality, and not much more needs to be said other than "great work".

The actual site is a classic East European forest, with fairly dense but thin trees and sandy soil. Some of this has been cleared or stripped down. The area is mostly flat, but there are plenty of small mounds, trenches and uneven parts keeping it interesting, such as a sandpit. The man-made terrain offers an excellent fighting area, including a shipping container complex, several fort/bases as well as multiple buildings.

One of the main draws is the presence of real military vehicles. Several vehicles, larger APCs and even a full Tank all patrol and can be periodically controlled by teams. This is Poland. Your health and safety concerns are your problem alone.

The biggest environmental factor this year was the crushing humidity. It was easily 100%, making it close and oppressive. In game, this meant a hard physical game with crazy amounts of sweating... although there were regular breaks which helped. Even at night when it was relatively cool, standing under a gazebo would quickly make a person uncomfortable... Even more uncomfortable than spending time with UE.

There are many events on, with two separate big games: MagFed and Hopper. There was also a speedball competition as well as numerous other themed events. Most importantly, there was a well-stocked bar and entertainment. Plenty for all.


Friday was spent walking the site, catching up and generally prepping for the game the next day. Our new recruits joined us. Buttstuff, Forty and Scar were ceremonially inducted with new player jerseys, and completed with vows of celibacy. We actually bumped into a new english player called Barker, who apparently is big on Grindr or something. Anyways... we explained how his marker worked, gave him some general tips and he really seemed happy to hang out with us. UE are nothing if not charitable. Forty also decided to construct a military accurate submachine gun. Weighing in at a skinny 37Kg, it was as close to the military as you can get in paintball, apart from all the bumming and PTSD. After a day chewing the fat and getting prepped, it was time to rest for the next day.

Fresh recruits


Friday we were up bright and early, thanks mainly to the SBG air-raid siren that they ring at 07:30 and regularly until 08:00. A solid breakfast followed by some glorious cups of Yorkshre Tea got UE ready to march. It was time.

As it was Barker's first day paintballing, he decided to float between teams and also between MagFed. He is confirmed as liking it both ways... more action for his weapon, if you follow. UE formed up and were ready to strike with only minimal hangovers and drinking injuries.

Game 1 was a location capture mission. A base needed to be secured at the top of a hill. Team Blue stormed out of the gate fast, but were essentially beaten to the punch. The German playstyle can be quite defensive; they take up sensible positions, but there's a longball element to it that often needs to play out before progress is made.


UE began the process of applying appropriate pressure, organising aggressive charges and keeping pressure up on the flanks. Rocket had an excellent ding-dong with an unnamed Grindr sniper, trading shots, pressure and charges. As is to be expected, they ended up covered in a sticky mess and both satisfied and yet sore.

Despite these shenanigans, the game ended up a bit static, so after 60 minutes we retired with plenty of honourable action but no decisive victory.

In Game 2 it opened up substantially. This was a 90-minute, objective-based mission that spread across the whole gaming area. Ammunition and supplies needed to be escorted along a road with blockades that needed to be overcome. The frontline was much more dynamic.

Having settled truly into a storm/assault role, UE pressed the right flank multiple times. There were two buildings under partial enemy control with cover approaching them but a solid defensive position. There was fierce resistance, but multiple UE charges slowly pushed back the angles of attack. We were able to cross the heavily defended road and take the building on the extreme flank. From here, second floor cover, as well as further ballsy moves meant we were able to circle round and compress the enemy back to their safe zone. Job done, mission complete. Time for tea and tiffin.

Charlie Two and Ricktion

Games 3 and 4 were repeats of the previous missons, but with various elements reflected so that both teams had their go at the different objectives. The 60-minute game was relatively static also, but some alternate tactics did make the game change and open a little. The 90-minute game was also similar; although the different areas allowed UE to push onto new flanks and see more of the field.

All in all, a hard day's paintball. Plenty of rounds fired, some good moves by all. Time for a shower and the Friday party.

Friday Night

Due to the hypersexual and youthful vigour amongst all of UE, Rocket and Ricktion led a mixed yoga class for the nubile UE members and joint-pain enthusiasts. UE are alone in having no injuries of any sort, and they are definitely not middle-aged men struggling to cope with moderate exercise. After a solid flexing, a shower, then grabbing some grub and getting prepped for the next day, it was time for the party.

Starting as a social, the usual suspects, and newcomers from all over Europe hung out. Representatives from Northern Alliance, the Euro wing of SAS, Black Legion and many others were all there. Our entertainment was a German covers band who really gave it their all despite sounding like a divorcee's mixtape. Highlights included but were not limited to:

  • someone non-ironically rapping "ice, ice, baby"
  • more costume changes than Strictly Come Dancing
  • a woman in full Rammstein Engel light up wings
  • a huge singalong with the upcoming band "4-non blondes" single "what's going on?" with a partial UE moshpit

Eis, Eis, Baby

The band had a mixed playlist that satisfied all, assuming you were born before 1980 and had left your husband. When you are drinking heavily, this is no problem at all. A top quality evening.

Saturday Game

Once again, waking with crystal clear heads and definitely no hangovers, UE got prepped and headed to the game. Joined by Barker all day, we formed a force of Grindr powered Euro justice.

Game 1

Starting from the far spawn point, Blue Team had the special "Candy Girl" unit. Our objective was to smuggle the girl's squad into the Candy-shop: a building midway through the game. The opposing team had to rescue people already inside this building also. UE started by flanking and attempting to hold the line near the Candy-shop. With covering fire, it should be possible to control the building.


We started quickly and fought hard, securing the left building. However, the enemy had taken up very strong defensive positions. UE made several aggressive attacks, pushing toward the road. It was difficult going. With a lot of paint and some "classical encouragement" we were able to push to near the corner. The main force had shields and were protecting the Candy Girls, but were not making a huge amount of progress. As the minutes counted down, we slowly ran out of ammo and gas.

With almost everyone on their last legs, UE moved as one and fell to the main position. With the German teams ready to make a final push, Ricktion and Buttstuff picked up a candy girl and acted as human shields. In a last heroic rush we all charged in.

Rushing in with the Candy Girls

The girls made it over the line... Rocket made it into the building, tagging several of Team Red out. However, it was an absolute warzone, and so decided that having barrel tagged four players, his time of bravery was done. It was time to cower in the corner, as the room became a hurrcaine of paint and smoke. Points scored. Manliness displayed. Once again, job done.

Candy Girls : Secured

Operation complete: talk to a woman. We are no longer classified as incels.

Game 2 was about moving/planting bombs in shelters: effectively control of objectives. UE were used as classical shock troops, patrolling efficiently. We took the second bus, spawning just after the main charge, and began a programme of pushing the enemy back in key locations. Initially we attacked the sandpit, with aggressive charges from Forty, Buttstuff and Scar. As mentioned, the German style is often organised longballing.. which is excellent defensively, but is vulnerable to aggressive play.

Here CharlieTwo and Gero were excellent at command and control. As UE spread and attacked many points, we were able to either work collaboratively or pull out and reinforce where necessary.

This dynamic assault kept the enemy under constant pressure. Once the main objectives were confirmed as scored, it was time to head back for a strongly brewed cup of Yorshire Tea. Job done!

As per the Friday, Game 3 and 4 were repeats of 1 and 2.

In Game 3, an awesome charge to the sandpit from the whole of UE put immediate pressure on the building. CharlieTwo and Rocket took the right flank, with Buttstuff and Forty embedding themselves in the sandpit covering the left. Ricktion, Gero and Scar took the central exit. After some brutal fighting, Blue Team managed to extract the hostages: with a corridor of players hurrying back to shield them.

Bish bash bosh, job done in a very spicy ten-minute period... It was time to have some fun. Joining up with Barker, UE began to patrol the right flank. The aggressive patrolling of UE, combined with some quality first strikes from Barker made this a rich hunting ground. In particular, Fingerblast broke a line of defenders near the barricades, to put real pressure on the right flank. Pods empty, job done, plenty of kills. Time for another brew lads?

Game 4 was another great bit of fun, being the final game and possibly the best. Having scored our objective in Game 3, we were able to quickly secure the bombs and move them immediately in Game 4. That meant that all was needed was some objective domination as these were achieved.

Rushing out of the gate, UE advanced up the field. The fight was similar to Game 1, but with a more dynamic feel and different priorities, it was possible to move around. At one point Rocket fought his way through the containers, only to be stuck half-way up. With a support call out on the radio, the rest of UE made a plan. Why sneak up through the containers when you can just charge across an open field under enemy fire, with your massive UE balls on display?

The crew formed up and sprinted across the field. CharlieTwo, Ricktion and Buttstuff made it, forming a CQB death squad in a nasty position well in advance of the Blue Team. It took the enemy ages to flush them out, costing them the general, about 10 men and a tank (!).

Some more fun was had with some shield defences near our base in the last minutes of the game... tucking in for photogenic defensive action. As the game neared its end, the Red Team pushed hard. Several air strikes meant that vital ground needed to be taken back quickly. With some of us out of ammo, and the rest with only a few in the hopper it was desparate stuff. As the seconds ticked down the firing became intense... but Blue Team held on for the win.

Tank pressure

Job done.

Saturday Party

After another tantric yoga, food and chill session, UE headed down to the main party zone. Following a few warm up beers and announcements, the points were announced to much fanfare. Due to an all too familiar admin error, Team Blue won 75 - 25. Time to celebrate!

The evening was shortly to become a surrealist dream of weirdness. This included, but was not limited to:

  • the bassist from the bloodhound gang DJing in American English/German BRO TALK
  • UE downing drinks for charity
  • people onstage getting tattoos drunk
  • Rocket doing a three-can beer bong
Nothing to see here

As always, the true details are a state secret and cannot be disclosed, else we would have to barrel tag you.


SBG is a great event. It's also a really easy event to play. It has some of the best infrastructure, meaning that places to stay, food/drink/equipment shops are top-notch and Bertl and the crew really go above and beyond to make things good. The staff and main reception workers were awesome, speaking many languages and also being knowlegable and friendly. They deserve a shout out; "The desk blondies will know" became a catch phrase. The game site is also excellent, with varied terrain and some good combat zones.

For some improvement feedback: the games were a little static this year, and certainly could do with some re-working. Perhaps the mobile respawn/marshalls needed to more active.. being static only a few yards in front of your base respawn does help much when they could be moved around the field more pro-actively. This static nature was particularly apparent when the airstrikes came in. The games suddenly became extremely dynamic and these were awesome highlights. More strikes please! Bertl changes this up every year, so this could easily be fixed and likely will be a one off.

As per a lot of the Euro big games, the community is also excellent. Everyone was friendly, and had time for a chat or a beer... it was great being there.

All in all, we'd strongly recommend a visit. Get SBG in your calendars.

Also, a big UE shout out to the new players: Buttstuff, Forty and Scar all proved their mettle. UE now are a force with slightly younger average knees and marginaly less back issues. It is a time for the paintball community to be concerned. The memes are plentiful, and now re-enforced they will never stop.


Buttstuff, CharlieTwo, Forty, Gero, Rocket and Scar jumped in their cars, caught respective flights and headed home to re-enter meme-hibernation until awoken when next needed for combat. Fingerblast and Ricktion however, could not rest. They began the drive to the Land of Cheese for Veckring a week later. UE's work is never done.