Sommerfest writeup

Sommerfest writeup

Date June 24th, 2023
Venue Paintball Adventure, Wesendorf
Promoter Wesendorf Summer Festival
Players Buttstuff, CharlieTwo, Forty, Gero, Jarhead
Result Loss, moral meme victory

Arrival and the first set of admin errors

Several years ago, I suffered a serious injury and I was forced to avoid combat. For those who were wondering... I was sent in deep cover to Siberia to assist with UE's political propaganda machine. However, in an all too familiar admin error, I got stuck in an outside toilet and was frozen in place for approximately 2 years. My subzero body was recovered, and following the huge payout from UBGs glorious victory, UE were able to resurrect me. With electro-rejuventaion therapy complete, it was time to start again!


In order to finally end the dominance of the Red team at the Summer Festival of our local paintball site in Wesendorf, Charlie 2 and I finally decided to help the Blue side to victory. Team Red had been dominating for four years in a row, which was getting boring.

There was no information about the games or any game organisation in the run-up to the game day. Because of this, as Charlie Two and I drove to Wesendorf, we decided to have a chilled day and simply join as players and have fun. It was time for others to lead, and it would be a refreshing change to sit back. We had already heard from the game organisers that there should be 6 games over the day. Exact information about the individual games/missions would remain a surprise (at least for us).

After arriving in Wesendorf, meeting Team Valhalla and Über-spionagemeister Lazarus and a group of brand new UE assets. Yes, you heard right: UE has cunningly acquired the services of our hangers-on from UBG. Supporting us at this game were newcomers Butt Stuff, Forty and Jarhead.

About 150 players turned up to this event and were distributed to teams Red and Blue. Here, the first UE admin error occurred, as usual. Due to the unwillingness of any other players and a short-term biochemical incapacitation of Lazarus in the first game, Charlie Two was appointed general for team Blue.

Before the first game, we learned that the organizers had come up with a storyline about all the games. Team Blue were the "Navy Seals", team Red native people on an island. And they did not have a flag.

Game 1

This was an extraction mission, with Blue team's task being to find and extract a missing person. The objective was allegedly located in the center of the field and could only be recovered when a number of balloons were destroyed.

Here, we applied a tactic that was recently discussed in preparation for this year's Paintship Troopers game. All fast players ("Runners") were equally distributed to each of the attack directions. They were specifically instructed to dash forward, then to stop and dig in once they receive fire. This was to allow 'experienced' players to catch up and secure the real estate. Thanks to a rapid advance of Jarhead and Butt Stuff, we were quickly able to locate the missing person and bring her safely to our home base within 5 minutes.

The runners

Needless to say that:

  • this didn't go down well with the Reds; and
  • we didn't get tired telling them about it

Game 2

The aim of this game was to find 3 objects distributed around the gamezone and bring them to our home base.

To compensate for their defeat, the Red team was rewarded with a respawn. Due to our victory in game 1, we received a few clues about the locations of the objects. Blue team had no respawn. Using our tactical prowess we allocated the bigger teams to fetch the objectives and then to collapse back on our base for defense. Team Valhalla did a sterling job here retrieving their objective out of a trench system infested with Red players. In order to take the objective in the centre part of the field, Team Maniacs and their team captain Maike did volunteer. Maike is a head teacher at a local school, and she made sure that her boys delivered top grades!

Due to an admin error and poor coordination of the referees, the Blue team had an early start. This could have been corrected by restarting the mission, but instead they just did a short-term rule change (during the game and without communication to all players). The objects not only had to be brought to the home base, but also defended there for a punishing 30 minutes. Again, our jumpers did their job well, and we were able to secure all the objects for team Blue and bring them to our home base.

Team Blue did fall back to our base and secured all choke points to delay the Reds as long as possible. However, due to the one-sided respawn, we had to admit defeat to the superiority of the red players a few moments before the end of the game time.

Just before the end, Team Red saw proper defensive action from Forty and Jarhead (and maybe a couple of slick moves from me). Butt Stuff went as far as defending with an empty marker until a marshal removed him from the field because 'you cannot play with an empty marker', which has never been a rule ever. We were pretty sure we could hear some Norwegian laughter from far up in the North.


Charlie Two took it to the next level: Hiding in a corner of the last hut he had a barrel tag - off with a Red player. Every time a Red player stuck a marker into the hut, he tagged this one with his marker leading to a `You're out` - 'No, you're out, get a flippin marshal to confirm!` dialogue in order to delay the Reds for a few decisive seconds. Sadly, we lost it by half a minute, but it was good fun.

Needless to say that:

  • this didn't go down well with the Reds; and
  • we didn't get tired telling them about it

Game 3

In the middle of the field a suitcase with 3 smoke grenades was located. Both sides knew the exact position. Team blue had to ignite the smoke grenades one after the other. Each one was only allowed to be ignited after the previous had burned completely. Team Red had to prevent us from doing so.

To compensate for their victory, Team Red was rewarded with yet another respawn which was obviousy fair. While Team Blue went into the starting lineup without any benefits this time. It was obviously our fault that we lost game 2 and obviously, when the score is 1:1, the best thing to do is keep it unbalanced.

Again, we sent Forty, Butt Stuff and Jarhead piled forward to secure the objective while Valhalla tried to sneak around the back of the field to eliminate the Red respawn by keeping it under fire. Apparently spurred on by their victory in Game 2, a number of both fast and slow Red team players switched into overdrive and managed to get into position on the suitcase before our fast Blue team players could even reach it. Unfortunately, our team was decimated by the Red players, so we didn't have a chance to get to the objective.

Needless to say that:

  • this didn't go down well with the Blues; and
  • they didn't get tired telling us about it

Afternoon games...

During the lunch break it was revealed that the Red team should be compensated for their victory in game 3 with respawns in the next game again. In order to ensure it's balanced, and Blue team would lose, they would not get respawns because... reasons.

The motivation of some Blue team players did suffer. However, to their credit, none of the teams packed it in. Valhalla and Maniacs did a lot of work convincing other players to stay on the field. Thanks to subtle and diplomatic negotiations by Charlie Two, the organisers and all the Blue players, respawn was canceled for both teams, and finally all Blue players came together for the remaining games.

Another diplomatic win for Universal Exports diplomatic team.

However, the focus for Blue players changed a lot from mission-orientation to just having fun and shooting Red players. The core of the Red players was the Fallout Warriors, a very experienced and tactically excellent team that knows the field well, so we scored solid "partial victories" over the next games.

In contrast to other games, however, the UE admin errors were limited, but the admin errors from the refs/organizers continued in the afternoon. In one instance, 10 seconds before the start of the game the marshalls casually announced: "Oh, the 6 objects on the field that were announced a few moments ago, there are only 3 objects in total"

Last game

Our defeat was already inevitable with a score of 4:1 for the Red team. To rescue memes from the jaws of defeat, we said to ourselves: fuck the mission, let's do our own thing. We stayed together as a whole team, walked along the edge of the field with cover from a forest, then ambushed Red in their home base.


Sadly, a bit of excessive pep talk by Charlie Two had overcharged the jumpers who dashed off into the distance like a gazebo that detected a Tesla. Perhaps they liked Butt Stuff's backside and chased it into the sunset... Either way, the plan didn't work as intended for the outliers. However, we surprised the Red players a fair bit and finally had a lot of fun.

Needless to say that:

  • this didn't go down well with the organisers; and
  • we (and also few of the Red players) had a good laugh about Operation LOLz


Despite bringing in utterly excellent teams like Valhalla, the Maniacs and more importantly - our newcomers, we could not end the reign of Team Red at summer festival in Wesendorf.

Unfortunately, I have had to quit my job as a radio operator/team mascot. With my revival as a player, I now had to focus on battlefield glory. The electro regen surgery is easy now there are two electricians on the team... My only feedback was that 1200V felt a bit excessive?

And why were the contact points my balls?

We also can formally welcome our new recruits:

  • Butt stuff: You can leave your hat on
  • Forty: Shocking player
  • Jarhead: Sir, I got lost on the way to college, Sir
  • Scar: Just eyeballing it
  • Sgt. Crystal: Fit as a butcher's dog

They have adopted their new roles with great pride. The usual process of informing next of kin, adding them to no-fly lists and signing them up to UE's cult of paint-death has begun.

Political Feedback

Due to another all too familiar admin error, the leadership style and approach of Charlie 2 was brought to paint-historian's attention. Compared to Ché Guevara at the end of the game, his over-hyped ideas and inpiring delivery brought the attention of various international agencies. Latest CIA reports located him in a camouflaged tent still on the Wesendorf site writing the manifesto for a 'UE-volution'.

Cuba libre, Commandante!

True Leadership