UBG writeup

UBG writeup

Date May 17th-21st, 2023
Venue UBG, Mahlwinkel
Promoter United BigGame GmbH
Players CharlieTwo, Corky, Gero, Gizmo, Fingerblast, Hamster, Little Dave, Ricktion, Rocket, Spillage, Soap
Hangers On Die Fünf Sturmtruppen
Result Overwhelming crushing Victory

Journey to Deutschland

After a leisurely drive down through the south of England, the UE Electrowagon of Paintball Justice made its way sub-aquatically through the Channel Tunnel into the land of cheese, then sprouts, and finally in the land of bratwurst and rules. Arriving in the gloriously beautiful Aachen, Ricktion and Fingerblast met with Gizmo for a few beers and to toast victories past, and to those shortly due.

After an evening experiencing the vibrant night culture, it was time to branch out and truly explore the best Germany has available: aggressive no-indicator driving, extreme traffic and multi-car pileups. Following a relaxing 5-hour drive and a vibrant 7-hour traffic spectacle, they arrived onsite. A quick beer with the UBG locals followed, and the crew were ready to rest. They found a camp spot and settled into a lullaby of soothing sounds of German HardBass giving them a refreshing 3 hours of rewarding sleep.

Authentic German culture

The next morning, it was all go: The UE advance crew began setting up the further improved command tent. The previous years have shown that local food/delivery/restaurants were all too spread out, or too difficult to arrange. UE raised the bar with a full cooking setup, including tea urn and Yorkshire Gold for Maximum British thirst justice. As the rest of the crew slowly arrived from Germany or from their respective flights, the UE Command Nexus took shape.

It was also great to catch up with some of UE's old friends. Beers were shared with players from Northern Alliance, Valhalla (and Über-spionagemeister Lazarus) as well as others... UE also made contact with our new allies: Somy from Mercenaire Paintball / Legion de France, Kog from K.O.G., Ulrike and many others from Blue World Order. They also checked in with the UBG crew and the Unicorn of Death, grabbed paint and got prepped for the day. Basically, it was a massive love-off. To be honest, UBG should just be called BRO-FEST, and it should be 4 days of high-fives and BROs doing BRO-STUFF.

The UE kitchen swung into action, and we noshed down on some solid food. After high-fiving our hands raw and getting equipment ready, we jumped in the cars and retired to our nearby private campsite, nick-named Camp Clingon, where the crew sensibly elected to get more than 3 hours sleep.

Friday Game

With only minor hangovers, and a high carb, fibre-rich breakfast to ensure no brown in-game disasters, UE arrived back on site ready to take on the day. A quick briefing from General Ken, and we were ready to go. UE had been given the designation "The British Legion", and they paired with the Mercenaire Paintball, who were the "Legion De France".

For those who have not visited Mahlwinkel and UBG before, this is an excellent large event map. There are several game areas that blend into one another. These include large wooded regions and multiple buildings that are great for CQB and urban style paintball. There are also trench networks, towers, forts and many other excellent features. Buses are run to the far side every few minutes, so you are rarely more than a few minutes from getting to/from the safe zone. It's one of the best fields about.

Game on was at 10am, and the Legions' mission was to act as a harassment, specialist mission, and force multiplier squad. This meant that they were effectively free to pursue ad-hoc objectives, as long as they related to the larger mission plan. Game-on was called, and after a short bus ride, UE and the French Legion had reached the contact point.

UE formed their traditional military patrol formation, spreading over perhaps 100m from Turbine Bravo. Re-enforcing the left flank, Legion de France joined them, and the relentless push began. A blistering charge by Gizmo was only ended by a comedy trip and faceplant. Despite falling over, UE were able to turn the first contact in our favour, picking up respawns and players as they went. After breaking the left flank, UE pincered round into the next field and ended up providing relief for others in BWO taking a difficult front-line assault.

UE's tactical radio play really added value. The terrain offers plenty of line-of-sight blocking elements and being able to quickly coordinate meant that several clever enemy sniper and defensive positions were quickly overcome using flanking and teamwork. As usual, radio master Gero was keeping the team comms working. As the clock ticked, the BWO and Legions rolled over objective after objective, finally ending up at Verladesplatz

The all-day objective for the game was to capture a bomb then plant it. The bomb was located in enemy territory, and this initial push allowed BWO to capture it. The demolition experts (the only people allowed to move it) were ferried in, and began the process of recovery. Deep in enemy territory, General Ken strolled up looking a little gob-smacked with progress. With the bomb recovered, it was down to UE to hold the line against the massive Red Army. Everyone else in BWO made their tactical retreat, and like the absolute mad-lads they are, UE stayed.

Outnumbered, UE held onto the respawn as they came under brutal enemy fire. It was over quickly, but several amazing take-downs from Rocket, as well as a comedy barrel tag from Ricktion meant that they had bought enough time to secure the prize. Job done, and it should be known that one of Northern Alliance will definitely be in Fólkvangr (Freja's Garden), not in Valhalla. Time for tea and Tiffin.

After a break, UE got back on the field. We joined the lines defending the now captured bomb, taking up positions around the Laborkomplex. Arriving in force, they pushed the advance Red attack back, and began the process of pursuit and breaking their lines. Cutting across to the Tower and Trench network was vital, and Rocket led a spearhead of UE that retook the spawn points and powered on through the trenches. With the momentum and locals falling in, UE forged forwards pushing through with CharlieTwo, Ricktion and Fingerblast taking Fort in a lighting assault. With barely time to change the flag, UE began retaking Verladesplatz. Team Blue then rallied and started an assault of Kommandobunker, the last Red Point on the map.

Storming Kommandobunker

Little Dave and Corky took the fight straight to the enemy, securing the gates and flanks of the buildings, and as team Blue broke the back of the resistance, frontal assaults pushed through. After a spirited defence, the last of the Reds were shot out. With the base taken and Reds pushed off the map again, it was time to re-gas, re-load and re-mince for a well-deserved lunch.

By the time UE were back on the field, the objectives had become purely defensive. Red still had to capture their bomb near Laborkomplex, and had started to use special deployments and behind enemy lines troop drops. Re-checking and clearing buildings was the objective, and UE split into a few groups, once again rallying locals. So began a quite fun game of cat-and-mouse with sneaky Blue players and vigilant defence.

However, these blue resources were limited, and eventually the area was safe and a proper perimeter was secured. With the job done, it was time for UE to head back and enjoy a pint of beer. Or ten. UE packed up and made their way back to Camp Clingon. In true posh paintball style, they had showers followed by a solid BBQ, beers and finally: a night in a comfy bed.

Saturday Game

In terms of gameplay, the second day was a similar situation to the first. Friday had the teams locate and plant bombs. Team Blue had completed this mission, but Team Red had failed. However, for the sake of balanced play, Saturday had objectives based on them having achieved this. The entrances had been swapped, with Team Blue spawning and the near side. Objectives were simple: set the timer on Blue bomb (which was now in Red territory), and defend the Red bomb (which was now in Blue territory).

After more glorious Yorkshire Tea, UE were ready to get on the field. Arriving quickly on game-on, they found a handful of Red patrols who had taken the centre of the field. The Blue and Red team were bogged down in dog fights and making little progress. Thankfully, Spillage had had his Weetabix, and he quickly established a right flanking manoeuvre to push back against the Reds. Marshalling players and establishing cross-fire points, UE broke the stalemate and flanked round toward Turbine Bravo.


With respawn and supply lines under pressure, team Blue needed to secure the next respawn. With UE's breaking of the right flank, the front line had advanced to the trench network, but there were still dug-in defenders preventing a spawn point capture. A stalemate had been formed. Time to step up.

Soap grabbed the new recruits, Die Fünf Sturmtruppen, and with Ricktion taking the rear, a UE strike squad rushed the tower under heavy fire. With a few casualties, the squad sprinted in the door, cleared the porch and headed upstairs. A few seconds later, Soap's flag was waving out of the top floor signifying a full clear. With the vantage point taken, the remaining trenches lost their defensive power and were cleared out quickly. Bosh. Job done.

With the respawn taken, the next objective was open to take the building complex including Workstatt, Frachtlager etc. This was hard fighting, with every corner and wall being fought hard for. It was exceptionally well defended, with Red dug in hard and fighting for their lives. Progress was extremely difficult. The tank brigade arrived and gave team Blue some resilient firepower. Fingerblast, Little Dave and CharlieTwo were pushing hard, trying to exploit weaknesses, using the tank for cover.

It was a hard fight. Out of gas, paint and generally knackered after a lot of firefights, UE headed back for lunch. Time to refuel.

Fully re-nutritionalised and ready to fight, UE made their way back on the field. However, Soap had a minor technical problem so joined the field shortly after. UE patrolled through their bases on the way to the front line as is good practice, forming a large combat patrol. Just as the UE were set to start a new offensive, the radio went crazy.

Soap had reached Verladesplatz. Red had dropped their paratroopers just outside, and were putting extreme pressure on the Blues. Jumping in, he mounted a desperate defence while frantically radioing in the situation. It was looking bleak, but at the last minute... he heard a cracking radio message:

"Look to my coming on the first light of the fifth day, at dawn look to the east."

Look to the East

Just as the Red Commandos broke the defences and began to get into base, 15 UE members and a handful of supporting other Germans patrolled over in a perfect attacking crescent... Topping the hill while flanking runners put brutal crossfire onto the base. Before the Reds could react, they were surrounded and shot out.

It is a little-known fact that UE are members of the Maiar, just like Gandalf and Radaghast. However, their special powers are much more ordinary, mainly involving hangovers and lower back pain.

With the Commando threat removed, UE patrolled back to the front line, rejoining the fight for the buildings. It had become real room to room, street to street fighting.

Hamster used the "Hamster classic" manoeuvre, climbing over a fence with a leg-up and breaking a stalemate in Workstatt by surprising the Reds. Fingerblast ended up being the last man standing in an extreme forward position, sniping enemies for ages until she was taken out.

Rocket, Ricktion and Spillage were pulling all the cheeky tactical tricks out of the book... Once again Hamster ended up in an extreme forward position with Die Fünf Sturmtruppen inside a bus in Enemy Lines. CharlieTwo, Little Dave, Corky and Gizmo were fighting brutally room to room. After a chaotic 30 mins, UE joined up having fought through the flanks of the building complex.

Facing the Enemy spawn point and with 99% of the field under control, main objectives complete and with low gas and air, a final suicide push was on the cards. A mad 5 mins of fun, and UE were on the bus back to base with war stories enough for all.

Saturday Evening

On the Saturday, UE camped onsite joining the UBG festivities. Surprisingly, absolutely nothing happened. There were no metal bands playing after the ceremony. There were certainly no UE moshpits, and at no point did Hamster stage-dive. For Brexit customs reasons, Spillage definitely did not win an auction for a beautifully engraved new Paintball Marker. And there were definitely no late night clubbing incidents at Camp Loki with glow stick battles, high-energy dance music and debauchery. It was an early night with some Ovaltine. Definitely.

Nothing to see here

On Sunday, and with a job well done, the team packed up and got back on the road. The Electrowagon drove off into the Electrosunset, stopping in Holland for Stroopwaffles and Pindasaus supplies. The rest of the crew jumped on flights and began the 200-day process of removing all the dust from guns, cars, and body parts.


UBG has one of the best sites in Europe. The organisation was top teir and overall, the event went really well. As always, the UBG crew were friendly and helpful; marshalls were present on all important objectives, and the air and chrono were (mostly) easy to do. Now that UBG is back to numbers in the thousands, there's lots of work and improvements to do for the future... but the UBG crew seem to be on it, so hopefully next year will be take it to the next level.

It was also great playing with our team-mates like KOG and Mercenaire Paintball / Legion de France. General Ken did a solid job, and he grew into the role over the weekend. What a guy! It seemed that the teams were perhaps a little unbalanced, so hopefully Red can raise their game a little next year.

Blues win. UE's victory tour of tea and tiffin continues.

The Foreign Legions