United Big Game writeup

Universal Big Game writeup

Event info:

Date April 29th 2022
Venue Mahlwinkel, Deutschland
Promoter United Big Game
Players CharlieTwo, Fingerblast, Gero, Gizmo, Ricktion, Rocket, Soap
Hangers on Team Skyhawks, Elon Musk
Result Win, but still deported

Pre Weekend Fun

The Event started by bumping into the German paintball team Skyhawks on the German version of GRINDR, which is obviously called WURSTR. After some misunderstandings and basic banter, a plan was formed to re-estabish trade routes following brexit. Lube and whisky supplies were catastrophically low in Germany, and the UE vegan department were dangerously lacking in organic sauerkraut.

If Skyhawks and UE were the official negotiators of Brexit, the UK would have rejoined, adopted the Euro and converted to driving on the right. English would be the global language, and anyone who said "fries" when they meant "chips" would be sent to the Hague. Beers would have to be available in 568ml because shut up, it's miles better.

Toilets would be free in all service stations. Banksy would be commissioned to paint a portrait of Nigel Farage being cast into hell, and it would be painted using the blood of the Daily Mail writers. This would be extracted by compulsory purchase. It would be hung in the Louvre and every single human alive would weep a tear of happiness when they saw it. East Germans would be forced to accept credit cards, and would have to acknowledge basic courtesy.

This was a drunk joke that upon reflection literally has no drawbacks. Please write to your MP... or just send him a turd in the post, like Amber.

By Thursday, negotiations were complete. UE had arrived, and it was time to go to the site. Ricktion and Rocket came over by driving, Soap and Fingerblast flew in... and due to UE being an international force, CharlieTwo, Gizmo and Gero were already members of the Sausage Republic.

The Event

UBG picks up where EBG left off, just less dodgy and with vastly improved customer service. For those who don't know, it is set up on an expansive military base. There are a wide variety of areas, with awesome classic woodsball areas, towering windturbines, great trenches, building complexes for CQB, and forts amongst other things. This year there were around 700 players. Most of them camp onsite and this area really is a great social place to be, with great entertainment and parties. It's technically a 4 day game, but the Friday and Saturday are the main events.

The game was objective based, with domination/objective control scoring points, as well as bonus points being scored by collecting crystals.

There are a lot of players and teams. For example, the international team "Northern Alliance" who bring over 100 players and form their own "Camp Loki" party/diabetes zone. Some of these players sober up enough to actually go on to the field!

UBG joint pain, midlife crisis and diabetes centre

It's a top place, and it's good to see it back on the up after the unnamed virus of unspecified origin.

We set up camp alongside Loki on thursday and received our legal folder, taking care to sign the 327 various forms and papers carefully. All set to go for the main game on Friday!

Thursday night

Our North Korean funding sources meant we had access to millions of won, so we booked in to stay at a hotel able to offer great comfort and glorious massages. However, due to an all too familiar UE admin error, we booked a hotel that only offered support for SMS messages, not massages. It had insufficient cellular reception for anything beyond 160 characters. After failing to send over 150 whatsapp and signal messages, we managed to meet up using a tin can and some string. We found a decent restaurant and went for a burger and some lubricating beers.

In Germany, all credit cards and debit cards are equal, but some are more equal than others. Only Communist Credit cards are only taken, so our store of cash Euros was aggressively depleted.


Due to the card issue, we had a slightly delayed start as needed to take real Euros out the bank and liberate some water from the Elbe.

We got out a few minutes after technical game on. We quickly joined up with the blue team. In a rare moment of high energy we took the fort and moved into a defensive mode. We were outnumbered and the aim was to hold the fort for as long as possible. However, due to the Skyhawks being quick, we were able to lock down the fort and defend it well. It took red waaaay too long to shift us, with all of blue fighting bravely.

Red expected us to retreat, and some blues were planning to regroup and protect the next objective. However, for some reason UE seemed to be inspiring people. Our attitude was essentially "Fuck that, let's go re-take it". We formed a line, pushing their advance back. Soap, Gizmo and CharlieTwo took aggressive stances, and combined with Ricktion and Rocket's "positive encouragement", we were able to motivate and turn the base. This was a major point scorer for the team!

UE: Objective updated - retake the base

After this basic cardiac workout, most of UE were suffering and needed to go back to the base. Conveniently they were also out of gas and paint, so it was time to resupply!

One of the safety features installed at our base was an Anti Tesla Guided Gazebo. Should any hippies or middle managers get within 100 yards of our base, this would deploy and scratch it. It is vital that UE never look classy, and nearby classy people may gentrify the area. In our absence our anti-yuppie defences had deployed, and we returned to the carnage of a heavily scratched/damaged Tesla.

After a chat it became clear that this had become an all too familiar UE admin error. The Tesla had been in fact been pillaged by the Vikings in Northern Alliance and had in fact been liberated by vikings. Insurance was agreed, and UE and now contracted to replace it with another stolen Tesla.

Due to a late flight, a quick pickup was sent for Fingerblast. A nail painting conference could not be rearranged and had overrun. Thankfully the team nail technician was able to quickly get into the field.

While she arrived, CharlieTwo, Gizmo and Soap secured the Laborkomplex base. Gizmo seemed to be enjoying the fights, pushing hard and acting as translator: "She didn't say they were in camouflage, she said that it was like the jungle moved". UE's multicultural amnd multi-memal approach was helping a lot.

It was toward the end of the day, and it looked like Blue had been able to fight harder than Reds. We went out and took the military base, pushed through with a lot of the Blues and Skyhawks. The Game was starting to fizzle out: Blue had most of the field, so we called it a day and prepped for the next day!

Friday Evening

Due to UE being old men, we returned to the hotel and headed out for a meal and to thoroughly inspect the application of the german purity laws.

We also met up with Gero, our chief intelligence officer and radio operator. He is an absolute lynchpin in the UE arsenal, but in an all too familiar admin error he was two days late and had forgotten to buy a ticket. He had also forgotten to wear trousers, but despite his healthy girth nobody saw so he got away with it.

Saturday Game

After a much easier start we arrived onsite prepped and ready. Some rain dulled the morning, but the sun slowly forced its way through and by game-on conditions were good. We went out completely prepped which was as much of a surprise to us as to our team.

After spawning, we joined the blues and advanced to contact, but the Reds were pretty quick. Blues and Skyhawks used a lot of energy to put some good pressure on, but both teams formed a front which started to be an obvious resource drain. This is a classic tactical error, so we decided to pull back and go for some sneaky action.

We respawned and went on a true army style stealth patrol around the back. We moved silently and avoided enemy for 20-30 mins, using cover and actual tactics. We managed to get around almost the entire field and approached their closest respawn objective which fed their front line. We moved in and took the objective so quietly that marshall initially didn't notice and we had to break cover to signal him. This is where the fun began.

We were deep in enemy territory, with red patrolling near us. We quickly searched the area for the objective crystals to score. After grabbing some enemy crystals, we settled down. People were starting to notice us. We shot out 5-10 players, but even with easy spawn would have been turned over. It was time to bug out. A large patrol suddenly realised and we had to absolutely leg it. In a rare display of tactics, CharlieTwo and Ricktion did a coordinated military covering withdrawal rinsing paint into an advancing team. With a kill ratio of at least 4-1 it was an awesome bit of trading to let the others escape.

UE: Objective secured

Speaking of which, Rocket and Soap broke the land speed record for unfit middle-aged men and were safe. Top play all round! It was time to regas and regroup!

Saturday ran the same objectives, but spawns were swapped for the day. We advanced quickly as a team, turning the first objectives, patrolling forward. As we approached the middle of the fields, we met resistance. We took control of the fort, but under heavy pressure from the reds.

Special mention goes to the Human Tank lady. For those who don't know - this glorious Valkyr is a EBG/UBG celebrity. She is a part disabled, middle-aged woman in a wheelchair that has been converted to have tank tracks and multiple gun holders. Playing as an actual tank, she was completely unmovable and she took more shots than an Essex girl on Friday night. Toughest person in paintball. Maximum respect.

UE took on leadership roles, spreading out and forming a well dug in line. The fighting was hard and we were holding well. With gas low, and after a false flag-swap call we decided to patrol back home and break for an early lunch. After a slow patrol and some chats, we bumped into our general and worked out some tactics more advanced that shouting at Germans in English. Special mention to Gizmo and CharlieTwo who managed to from the front, but also act as translators and real life motivators for the germans.

The game cannot be scored over lunch. However, in an another classic admin error, Northern Alliance were finally up and ready from their hangovers. They formed up a huge formidable force, prepped and well set to survive... just in time for lunch to be called. We had tea and tiffin and read the Daily Mail.

Immediately after lunch we went out, sweeping the field, but as the objectives came into play we bumped into Northern Alliance who were truly after blood following their lunchtime embarrassment. Some really good and well organised pressure pushed the blues back into almost their base until we could muster up a lot of reinforcements. Respect to the vikings.


After licking our wounds a bit we were able to fight out to the first objective. Once we had re-established a secure supply route for respawns this seemed to break the back of the red forces. Apart from some fiercely defended areas, most of the field fell quickly. With the initial job done we resupplied and came back out for the last ding dong.

UE joined the blue team who were pushing on the last objectives. This is an excellent part of the map, with open fighting, tight woodsball and awesome urban CQB area all within a few hundred meters of them. Reds were defending fiercely but blues were super determined. At this point, low of gas and with some injuries, UE moved to their command and control speciality. This is a polite way of saying that we shouted at foreigners and acted superior which is why everyone in Europe loves British people.

Against all odds, UE played some genuinely good paintball; Fingerblast played a quality game of cat and mouse with an annoying sniper. Ricktion led a gnarly CQB attack on the buildings flank and CharlieTwo travelled through time and space and becoming a brutal panzer commander rolling the reds back maybe 100m through brutal crossfire. After 45 mins of hard work, the end game was called. Time for a well deserved pint 568ml or ten 5.680l.

Panzer Commander


After a few drinks and some entertainment we settled in to the awards ceremony, called Award-u-winkel.

This was a quick event, only lasting 37 solar days. It was great wth everyone chilling and having a beer, pretending that their decomposing knees were not shot. There was testicle swinging, high fiving, and some good old fashioned back slapping. In particular, the tank objectives seemed to have a different award for every round they fired.

Awards ceremony: Only a few years to go


International paintball is back on the up after a few years of corona based disappointment. However, the Mahwinkle big game was missed by all, and it is awesome to see it back in the scene. The game is under new ownership and they have an excellent attitude. There's still a lot to learn, but the game and community are hugely moving in the direction. If you've not been, this is a strongly recommended game. It's expensive, it's tough to get to, but it really is some of the best paintball around.

An honest mention of respect to Northern Alliance. Brothers in partying and fun who are always stuck on the other team from us. According to them: 'Every time we saw those damn UE flags we knew the next half hour would get interesting'. Also, our condolences to poor Rickards... he ran into speed cameras twice, got his Tesla vandalized by wind, then broke his foot. All Northern Alliance will dine in Valhalla tonight... or they would if they weren't Christian countries. I'm sure John the Baptist and Pope Jean-Paul will pour one out with them tho. I heard he stinks of fish tho.


Thanks to UE and Skyhawks, the UK will be rejoining the EU. Germans will drink 568ml. The history channel will stop playing Nazi documentaries, and all our racist grandads will be sent to Siberia. London pubs will employ German Beerfest girls. We will breed ourselves back into the EU.

Brexit status: FIXED

That is international diplomacy at its best. Who can fight when there are massive tits and beer about?