North Versus South writeup

North Versus South writeup

Event info:

Date April 29th 2022
Venue Warped Paintball, Cosford
Promoter Warped Paintball
Players Capt. Price, CharlieTwo, Corky, Fingerblast, Gero, Hammertime, Hamster, Justin, Little Dave, Mr P, Ricktion, Rocket, Spillage, Soap
Hangers on Beth, CEP, Everyone south of Derby
Result Loss

Pre Weekend Fun

North vs. South is the first major big game since the unknown virus of unspecified origin. The location was moved from the usual army base in Swynnerton to the Warped Cosford site. Similarly, the numbers were reduced but still there were many teams attending.

This year the internationally renown Portuguese lingerie producers CEP were also attending. They arrived at Manchester airport Thursday, led as usual by the basque-wearer-in-chief, Andre. A few of UE met them and attempted to take them out for some beers around Manchester, but they were too busy drinking coffee and discussing fabrics and crotchless pantie designs for their team.


On the Friday, our German contingent joined us after a relatively easy cavity search from Priti Patel. Thankfully, there were no smuggled items, and tickets to Rwanda were not required.

UE took the Portuguese to the Royal Air Force Museum Cosford. Jets, bombs and banter - top history and a good day out, even if you're sober.

UK culture : bombing and drinking

Later that evening, UE further shared the culture by taking all concerned on an old man pub crawl around Stafford to ensure that any health benefits from an active day were completely nullified. There were minimum pregnancies and only 2 slipped discs.


For those who don't know, the Warped site is a large and professional site with three main areas. These formed some of the objectives throughout the whole day. The terrain is a standard woodsball affair, with plenty of cover, some basic ruins/buildings and plenty of battlefield cover. On one of the flanks there is also a stream at the bottom of a valley/gorge that provided excellent cover and asked increasingly severe questions of the fitness levels of all concerned.

The Saturday was effectively an equipment shakedown/setup day, with several ad-hoc organised short games. We met the general, made some plans, sorted equipment and generally minced about. Most of us ventured out and there were some good ding-dongs to get us in the mood.

Capt Price

It turns out that 10-15 months of lockdown may not be the best thing for the body. At one point, several of UE attempted to crawl through this difficult terrain and are now in a top secret luxury UE-HS hotel relearning their basic motor functions. This mainly consisted of watching Predator and having lots of sponge baths with nurses.

However, we managed to score the most pathetic serious injury of the weekend as Fingerblast managed to sprain her knee just by standing up: not even a single ball was fired. A weekend of cold compress packs and snacking in the sun was the only option... almost as if she planned it.

After a pretty decent run around, we retired back to the barracks for tea and tiffin. Or, more accurately, pints and a massive Chinese buffet. With our MSG and sodium levels setting off early warning systems in the World Health Organisation, we retired to bed to prepare for glory.

Sunday Big Game

The mission was an all day game. The aim was to obtain the maximum amount of cash. Three objectives provided cash at regular intervals all day, but each objective had a period where it provided more than the others. In order to score, these needed to be cashed in at the third objective: the Bank. There was also a high scoring final objective at the central objective, which is reminiscent of the classic NvS finale. Spawn points swapped every hour to keep the battle lines dynamic.

In order to align with our Communist ideals, the Bank objective was renamed Natwest.

CharlieTwo lays down some fire

We liased with the General and formed a plan to take several other teams with us to form a strike force. We did do a fair bit of networking, and for once, it wasn't with drunk ladies in Whetherspoons. With a group on UE, CEP and several small groups supporting us, we headed out. Gero kept the team organised with constant radio updates and keeping the intel flowing.

However, upon game on it was obvious that the Northern team seemed to be well organised and made it hard going. We eventually fought our way out, pushing the front to approximately the centre of the field. Critically though, they had dug in an were hard to shift from the objectives.

The force needed some impetus, and communication between teams was not the best. Sure enough, Ricktion started to deploy the voice, and Rocket, Spillage, Hammertime and MrP all utilised their Chinese calories to maximum effect putting repeated pressure on objectives and over time the defences thinned. However, after a while and with ammo running low, UE had to retreat and resupply.

The spawn points switched, leaving us to respawn further down the hill. After some more cajoling of the team, we returned to the field in force. Fighting uphill from the stream we were again able to push hard into first and second objectives. Working as a team with CEP, we managed to push the entire right flank and put real pressure on the North again. With the team in force and an unbroken comms chain UE were able to push hard. Re-enforced with punters, Corky and Justin the momentum was kept and centre objective changed hands a few times.

Despite our glorious efforts, the North were running away with the day. Or more realistically: walking briskly away with it.

The De-Northification of the UE-kraine

The main issue was that the Northern team were holding the bank, and from their half of the map had been able to cash-in their winnings regularly. Following another resupply, UE formed a plan with the generals. We grabbed almost every single player on the Southern side and formed a tight plan. Objective 1 was about to be the most high scoring, and we still needed to pay in our cash to Natwest.

With some persuasion and team organisation, UE split the South into a large group, with a crack team of UE scouts separated off. This main squad overran the first objective pushing the remaining North off the objective easily. Led by Capt. Price, and marshalled by Charlie Two and Little Dave, the completely locked down the objective. As the money drop time approached, the fighting became more and more intense, with regular re-enforcements on both sides.

Defending the tower

However, the main plan was enforced by Hamster and Soap, pushing with the rest of the UE scout squad. They secured a left flank that ensured it was possible to walk straight up to engagement range on the bank. With Capt Price dominating the skyline from his fortified position, the money was taken, and the call went out over the radios. Natwest was open and ready for Kim Jong Un's revolutionary approach.

The entire team bugged out, moving to the left flank as fast as their pre-diabetic legs could take them. With a clear run, the 40-50 Southerners pushed hard and encircled the bank. The North desperately defended but were slowly pushed out and the flag was turned. UE's radio comms and tactical acumen finally paid off: the cash was delivered and the South finally scored some points.

We pinned the North into the corner until they had to surrender. We sent Rocket to discuss surrender terms with the Northern General, Adam. Following a brief parlay, The North agreed to a proportional supply of Greggs and Yorkshire Tea, we offered safe passage, however Gaz Jones had to partitioned into three with a border guard stationed inbetween his bollocks and cock. This is now referred to as Checkpoint Charlie Two.

In truly incredible scenes, UE managed to do some truly stylish small sections of play. Ricktion and Hammertime managed a ludicrous 20 yard barrel tag on some one spawn camping near the base. All of UE needed to come back to base and have a psychological evaluation to manage the emotions of battlefield success. Rocket joined the party with a bolshy direct barrel assault.

Operation Set Shit on Fire

After the joy of scoring, the South swept back down and most cycled out to re-fuel, re-gas and re-paint.

The final showdown was a simple capture the flag event worth $1000 at the second objective for the end of the game. After a major disciplining, the voice was deployed and the Southern formed up to push the objective. With the Northern flag aloft, it was going to be a tough fight. The team rallied, spending all their final energy pushing it. Fighting was barricade by barricade, with thousands of rounds from both sides being slung. Suicidal charges from Rocket, Soap, Little Dave and all of the crew were worthy of note.

Soap initially made it to the flag, attempting a quick change only to find it had been tied! Cheating Northern Bastards! (© Sean Bean)... they didn't even think of it first. However, once noted, the marshals detached this and stood next to it, taking a brutal battering.

Incensed with this knot-based injustice, another heroic charge was made and finally the flag was switched by Hamster.

As soon as it had, a flashbang and smoke flew over the top, landing on a barricade and setting the burlap on fire. With the game quickly stopped, Justin our resident fireman hid heroically in the bushes while the marshalls and players put out the fire. With the positions reset, the fire started again... but just as soon it did, someone took a bad fall breaking a nail and seriously damaging the glitter effect. For the second time in as many minutes, there was a full stop. This took a little longer... but with the momentum gone, the South were able to push back the advance.

To everyone's shame, Capt. Price got play of the day by rushing a barricade and capping a phalanx of 4 Southern players just about to retake the flag. Obviously, this cannot be credited as stylish or competent, as it risks the perception that UE are somehow capable players.

The final whistle blew, and the South took the $1000. However, the game had been well and truly won by the North. While there had been epic battles and pressure, they simply had controlled the battle field. SAS in particular did a stellar job of being a large organised force the whole day. At the awards ceremony Ricktion was nominated Northern player of the day by the general. Jim also took the opportunity to offer Price the chance to be recognised with several hundred medals. He stood for all players and accepted their awards on their behalf.

All in all... With Covid gone, and Netflix on the downer... it looks like paintball is back on the menu. Thanks to Jim and all the marshalls. It's all go from here!

In summary:

Job done

Pics from Soho52. Good to see the crew back in the game!