Paintugal writeup

Paintugal writeup

Event info:

Date September 25-26th 2021
Venue Portugal
Promoter Paintugal
Players CharlieTwo, Fingerblast, Hammertime, Hamster, Juice, Mr P, Ricktion, Rocket
Hangers on Chris and the WAGSQUAD
Result Wait... there was a game played?

Friday : PreGame “Activities”

Due to the ongoing border war between the French and English, a direct flight to Portugal seemed the safest option. Nigel Farage has spent most of his time shouting at clouds near Dover, and so to avoid any controversial meetings with the gammon twat, JUICE-AIR were contracted to take the girthy and thirsty UE team mates.

Head of our foreign UE division, CharlieTwo, flew in using MERKEL-HANSA, and apart from some fannying about with car hire, things were set for a night in Porto. We checked into our hotel in central Porto, got cleaned up and headed out to have a pretend classy meal and then to spend the rest of the afternoon and evening sensibly drinking. So, a burger and 10 pints.

Cais da Ribeira, Porto

The pub crawl ended up down at the river looking out over the bridges, listening to music and mingling in the beautiful autumn air. This was obviously far too classy for UE, who ran away to find a Wetherspoons.

Saturday Day

After rolling out of bed mid-morning with almost all of our dignity, we went to EL-PORTO RED LIONA, ensuring that our cholesterol and saturated fats had not been affected by any Mediterranean diet. We packed up, and jumped in the cars and made our way to central Portugal.

Billed as a luxury hotel, the Hotel Termas did indeed deliver decent rooms, albeit with a strong Shining Vibe. We dropped our stuff off and made our way to the site, a short drive away.

Portugal, where the sun is always 'Shining'

Operation Mince began: a chilled setup in the sun and we were ready to go. Without the van this year, a few supplies needed to be worked out. Thanks to the problems of Covid, historic and organisational, the Saturday was a chilled day. It's a good thing: the daytime heat is too much for pasty Brits, and CharlieTwo had already filed several health and safety form reviews. There was time to catch up with a lot of the other teams – The usual regulars were there: Forca Psi, Bando de Irmãos, Wolfpack and so forth.

The terrain was typically Portuguese; woodsball with hard going on sandy ground, steep hills and a persistent headache and feeling of regret... wait that could just be the hangovers.

UE secure the safezone

The afternoon game was a combination of capture the flag and objective domination with clocks. UE were the majority players on one side, with A few of Wolfpack and the Portuguese forming the other side. It was a 45 minute game, with several time elements to it.

In a rare minute of aerobic fitness, UE made the sprint to the centre point, taking the centre area and pushing just beyond it. This allowed a defendable, position on the centre of the field, controlling the main parts of the field. We were able to get control of our objective and left a few holding the main line. Once the other team worked out our positions they pushed us back to a 50/50... but the plan was already set in motion.

Following the push back, the other team were engaged in a frontal assault on UE. Ricktion, Rocket, and Lewis then pulled a stealth mission and went behind enemy lines. We were able to grab our objective flag and get out quickly.

At this point our objectives were complete and it became a domination control game from our side. Regular patrols from all concerned, comedy ambushes around the other team's flag and some manic last minute defence led by the ever watchful and disciplined Chris and Hammertime!

Good fun all round, and a solid victory!

Saturday night

Thanks to the Covid situation there was not a huge amount possible for Paintugal. However a slap up meal was waiting for us - a Chinese Buffet restaurant in Figueira da Foz. This catered for all the obesity and veganese requirements that UE could throw at them. Washed down with a few beers, it was a cracking start.

There was a full mask/COVID passport situation in most bars, but thankfully the main drag offered a lot of outdoor tables making it a lot easier. As is to be expected, this small pub crawl became a messy affair, with restaurant bars slowly becoming bars... and eventually a rock bar. As the early hours closed in we jumped in a taxi and retired to the hotel where the brave few carried on for a few more. However, due to an all too familiar UE admin error, we applied a mask to the camera, so there are no shots of debauchery.

Worst 'night out' photos ever

Sunday Big Game

The Sunday was the classic Paintugal affair. Turn up late, hungover... and still realise you are miles earlier than the locals who are still drinking espressos and eating pork sandwiches. Not that we are jealous. We gassed up, grabbed a blood-sugar approved ice cream and prepped for game on.

The game was based around checkpoints and getting cards stamped. The final phase was to hand these cards in scoring the majority of the points available. This was over a variety of terrain. There was lots of cover, some arterial paths and roads. As always, tough going but good for fighting in.

On game entry we tried to cut across and ambush one of the main routes for the other team... however; in a shock attack, the Spanish extracted a hard revenge for Saturdays with a brutal counter ambush. Great play!

We regrouped off the field, and decided to change tactics. We patrolled and took checkpoints, moving and in a tactical group to get our cards stamped which worked well. Using the radios we were able to move as an organised unit, and there was some great stealth patrolling. CharlieTwo organised a few of the Portuguese locals, and we were able to get a lot of stamping done. We were able to feed our team through and all get ready for the final push to hand in.

Stamped and ready to hand in

The final objective was to bring our cards to a base in the center of the field with 20+ of the other team guarding. They were dug in, we had a woodland slope on the left with Rocket, Hamster and Hammertime working that flank. Ricktion, Charlietwo and Juice were on the other flank, trying the open ground on the left.

The fighting got pretty intense, with some UE players trying to crawl through a 2-inch deep foxhole hugging the ground like a snake. They were dug in fiercely, and after a lot of movement and throwing a lot of paint, it became apparent it wasn't possible to get them out. A total loss in the end as we couldn't hand in!

CharlieTwo gets tactical

Oh well - top fighting and a lot of fun in the sun. There were only 3 heatstroke deaths.


The Covid pandemic had truly hit hard. This year's AWARDUGAL awards ceremony was limited to a compact 3.5 hour ceremony. UE won several awards maintaining their International Multi Award Winning reputation. As per usual, most were richly deserved, and this year's awards included:

  • Fair play
  • Unfair play
  • Least play
  • Didn't even play
  • Highest cholesterol

To pass the time, Rocket hooked up and watched the entire Lords of the Rings trilogy on their phones, Ricktion and Juice drank all the remaining beers available, and Charlie Two invaded Czechoslovakia.

A standard week-day for UE.

Wind down

After Awardugal, we packed up and made our way back to the hotel, where we hijacked the main bar, got a take-away and listened to classic rock all night. Yet again: a standard day for UE.

Monday came and it was time to drive back to Porto for tea and tiffin, then jump on the chartered flight for OPERATION BREXIT!

A top weekend for all. Can't wait until the next one – hopefully with less Covid!

Job done