|Date||October 15th – 18th 2020|
|Venue||Mahlwinkle, Germany - The East Bit|
|Players||Capt Price, Charlie Two, Fingerblast, Gero, Gizmo, Hamster, Ricktion, Rocket, Soap|
|Result||Loss; personal paratroop victory|
This report is filled with such white-hot truths that two polygraph machines melted under the strain of its creation. This article features:
- Germans fighting like Italians
- Paratrooper rape
- Hamsters balancing on Soap
- Factual Actual Contractual Tactics that worked (FACTs for short)
- Paratroopers crying to mama
- Fox hunting and award theft
No Bothans were harmed to bring you this information. But a miniature Portugesian was quite badly, and now Hamster won't talk, he just glares...
The European Big Game, pronounced "Eee Bee Gee Bee" is held in the former East Germany, in Colbitz... Which is ironically what you get paintballing in October. It is located near Mahlwinkle, which is what your mum calls her penis, on a former Cold War era Soviet Helicopter base.
These days, it is home to several huge wind turbines. These are a testament to Germany's inefficiency as the technically minded will all know that running these big fans costs a fortune. However, for one weekend hope filled virgins and social oddities are allowed to roam free there.
The site offers plenty of buildings, bunkers, barricades, backwoods and even a trench system that with no amount of thesaurusing can be made to begin with B. This year the action was not spread over the entire playing area, but concentrated on various hot spots, in part due to the lower numbers. Controlling the tower seemed to control the flow of the game... but we'll get to that in good time.
Ricktion and yet un-named new recruit took the Glorious Van of North Korean fortune, whilst Rocket visited some family members who thoroughly tolerated him for a few days. After much mincing and un-British tourism they made their way over to the campsite in convoy, picking up supplies. Although, due to an all too familiar admin error, most of these supplies were alcoholic.
The remainder of the crew jumped into a car, but faced the wonderful prospect of Covid based quarantine issues. The dilemma for all drivers was to either:
- self isolate upon return from Germany; OR
- not leave your vehicle in any way while driving from Calais Europort to Germany and vice versa
With bladders of and steel and several questionable warm-bottle incidents, we opted for the latter approach. Several tough hours driving later we arrived at the campsite, and after enjoying a few fizzy refreshments and some food we hit the sack for the next day.
On arrival at site we registered at the very organised check in. We signed our lives away, which is meant as a metaphor but probably is legally binding in Germany and were promptly handed half a tree's worth of cards, vouchers, pamphlets, maps and some more cards. This was less of a "papers please", and more of a "take ALL the papers" situation. The guide book contained maps, mission briefings and then no less than 14 pages of RULES. (Go count them, I'll wait).
Finding the FOB that had been set up previously by Ricktion and Rocket, we prepared our kit and realigned our chakras for game on.
The hospitality area was very well organised, but sadly pretty empty all the time from lower turnout. The main seating area had food stalls and a reception, and just across the bar area, which was rarely busy were a few shops and marker manufacturer stalls. There were clean toilets and showers. Excellent schools were within easy reach and with good transport links, it was only a 9 hour commute from London.
There were a number of ongoing objectives for most of the weekend. To score you could:
- keep flags active - every minute scored points.
- complete unit missions for one of the 4 special detachments
- complete Brigade missions, which were open to everyone on the red/blue team
The missions changed hour by hour, but the constant ability to score a little meant that it was always worth going out to play, even if not involved in one of the main games.
Our phenomenal guidance and support put Blue team 200 points ahead of the Reds. This was entirely down to UE's play style, tactics and inspirational leadership. Although it is hardly relevant, I should make it clear, we didn't actually take to the field on that day.
Due to another all too-familiar admin error, we arrived on site, on time and well prepared. We brushed off the hangovers, gassed up, potted and were riding high - it was time for game-on. CharlieTwo, Ricktion and Rocket had made contact with Smiedt, one of generals we'd played with last year. He welcomed us back, giving us some choice missions for the weekend.. although this was likely a case of mistaken identity.
The first mission was a launch-code retrieval mission; essentially this boiled down to being the first team to get the code. The code needed to be returned to your launch site, keyed in, then finally Blue team could initiate the vital step of yelling "Blue Team - FUCK YEAH".
In a new addition to what is now an ongoing collection of admin errors, the codes for the Blue team were rumoured to not be on the field for the first half of the game. So, like our own credibility, we were searching for something that didn't exist. However, after a good deal of rummaging, someone else found the codes. We rushed to the launch site only to find our code carriers mere minutes behind the reds. A red missile streaked overhead, WW3 was underway and it was all our fault.
Not to worry, we went to get some nosh, turning over a few flags on our way back to the safe zone.
The afternoon mission was to retrieve various ammunition crates spread around the field. We knew the location of all seven, but getting to them before the other team was key. Considering some of the crates were much closer to them, our General Smiedt, picked the closest four we should aim for. Assuming we got those, there was a fifth we had our beady eyes on.
As it played out, UE ran up to the North and caught some of the blue team already returning with one of the crates. They pushed on further and secured the next ammunition crate, which was rather unexpected. The first FACTs in the game were going exactly according to plan. In the meantime Hamster and I moved towards the hangman to move up another ammunition crate. This was the final crate - one that had totally been written off as the red team should have reached it first.
We attacked, and Hamster showed his true spirit animal was not that of a hamster but a much larger animal... probably a stoat. One bothersome Red was dug in behind a fence deeper than an Alabama tick on a hogs hide. Hamster crept forward while all the Germans hid out of range. (Standard). Creeping silently up, he poked his gun through the fence and did the honourable thing and barrel tagged the tick on the back of the neck.
The taggee began to walk out from around the barrier until a marshall shouted out "No barrel tags". Which seems cruel, unethical and desperately funny all at once. So it became a thrown down pointblank range, guns at the side, both gun slingers raised their irons for the kill. When they fired Hamster made the classic chest shot, clean kill. The taggee however, became the baggee as he only got his marker as high as Hamster's balls before he fired... twice. One in each ball. Double tap - feels like the clap.
Hamster walked out too, albeit like someone who starred in the arthouse film 'Analpocalypse'. Germans sure are efficient; The NHS will keep you waiting a good few months for a vasectomy. In Germany this is quickly achieved via more direct action.
Now, dear reader, real heroism took over. Capt Price swept in to clear the rest of the position, shouting at the Germans to follow him in. It may have been empty of players, or there may have been loads. Sometimes when the sheer brutality of paint flying in all directions it's easy to forget and lose track of exactly how many reds were shot out. Somewhere between 0 and 30 is accurate (inclusive).
The coup-de-grace was spotting one of the final objective cases. Without even considering the risk to life or testicles, I rushed in and grabbed it and then tactically ran away. Rocket and the waddling Hamster then provided escort on the 231 mile journey back to our spawn point.
Result, 'all crates R belong to us' - a maximum score.
All that was left to do was to find a ballsack sized ice pack. Unfortunately, while UE are truly a band of brothers, they're not a band of ball brothers, so Hamster had to hold it himself.
Later that day. Smeigt's downfall began. He was clouded in accusations of unacceptable admin errors, but as day wore on, and following clarification, these became serious allegations of bribery. With a straight face, he stated UE were the best team on the field and decided to hand out out a 'legendary player award' to one of their ranks.
Hamster's glorious bravery and barrel tag was the standout moment of the day and deserving of legendary status. But our glorious leader Rocket decided, 'Nah, you got shot out. It doesn't count'. So he gave it to me instead. No bad feelings or death-stares ensued.
There games on Saturday were a little more confusing. The same objective/control structure was in place, but there were other sometimes confusing objectives to increase the complexity of the game. The game was actually constantly ongoing, scoring at all times... but the special events scored higher. The only stop was for Operation Paintstorm, which was the close of the day.
The first game involved a tank... or more precisely, a BTR which is technically an APC. The tank took the field and drove around in a circuit. The game objective was still domination of points, but the tank was used by UE and other plucky blues as cover to assail the enemy positions. It was super fun and super ineffective... but still; it's a frickin TANK!
More vehicles, including tank-i-fied Jeeps/off road vehicles were involved in a similar vein. There was also a set of objectives to collect crates and return them to the base. The tank fights were a good distraction to scout off and locate the less obvious intel, although many German/English misunderstandings were had deep into the woods. Soap caused a classic UE admin error and 20 minute delay as things needed to be tranlsated... Less of a polyglot and more of a poly-not.
There were many highlights on Saturday, and UE cemented ourselves as one of the top teams (in our own minds) in the Milky Way.
We tried to stick to the more specialist objectives throughout the day. Charlie Two took CQB clearance to a whole new level by organising UE in lines and moving quickly and decisively forward. Occasionally, by sweeping up the odd reluctant German in the press of bodies and FACTs, we ended up with a decent force.
The building clearance was highly effective and one of the most satisfying exploits of the game, even if on some occasions we had no Blues backing us up. At points we swept and cleared multiple levels of a building, we literally had to turn around and go back to clear the building again. Once again Rocket's phasing in and out of reality was evident as he walked down a corridor with reds in rooms on both sides. He managed to both: not notice them but not get shot out either.
Speaking of aggressive room clearance and play, it's patently clear now that both Gero and Charlie Two do not longball like Germans. DNA tests are expected to confirm they were indeed adopted into Germany at birth. Although, they're probably Welsh in origin, because lets face it they're both a bit odd.
While patrolling between two objectives, the newest member to our team came to a literally shattering realisation. False nails might not be the best possible adornment for poncing about in the woods all day. In a epically nasty fall/fail a gun went off, and a nail was completely torn from a finger. This resulted in blood, anguish and 2 (male) UE players fainting. Thus the newest entrant to the UE hall of fame now has her first story... Shortly after the situation was calmed, the team began the truly vital objective of christening and naming her. Sgt Unibond (No more nails), Cpt ARRRGGGHHHH!!! were all suggested but finally the family friendly Fingerblast was chosen. With that critical issue resolved; UE could resume the game.
After some more area covering, UE decided to take the double-lunch option which is tactically and calorifically advantageous. By getting back to the safezone early, then taking the field for the two hours over lunch it's usually possible to reset the dynamic of a field while others are back. With fresh paint and gas it's possible to press an advantage. It's also possible to avoid any exercise based health benefits with the extra pies you eat...
However, some people were not really able to work with this tactically tactical tactic.
Just before the second lunch, UE became aware of a Red paratrooper drop that would score them highly for the next few hours. Rocket and Soap both advanced as far as the bus graveyard and were able to radio in the confirmation: Reds were indeed carrying the objective, and heading for the next mission. Using some genuinely high quality radio work, UE were able to marshal and lead a relatively disciplined force to take the respawn point approximately 10 mins before the drop.
The Reds were allowed to have a team of paratroopers dropped into the zone, accompanied by marshalls they were not allowed to be shot until officially dropped and made live.
Ambushes were set and prepared by Ricktion, Charlie Two and Gero with the rest of UE closing around them as the trap was set. The paratroopers waltzed into the spawn flag completely unaware and were released from marshall invulnerability... to immediately be surrounded on all sides by UE and friends with a special bunga-bunga party ready for them.
The Red team captain was highly unamused and cited breaking of the RULES (although which one is unclear) and insisted the marshall was called up and complained to. After some deliberation, the marshalls reluctantly allowed them to redeploy and Blues were told to fall back to outside shooting range. Page 238, section 8, subsection 13 of the RULES read: 'Whiney paratroopers get immunity, respawn and a 30m pushback buff'.
In good nature, we dutifully fell back, using our comms to ensure a quality spread in all directions. A new operation 'Paratrooper : The re-rapening' began. A super efficient and aggressive assault meant that the few seconds of safety they had was little help. In one of the most satisfying UE paintball moments to date UE cleared the base in under a minute. Soap, Gizmo and Charlie two pushed through hard with the locals. All Red could do is retreat with their cargo (a barrel)... However, fully expecting this Rocket secured a firing position on the hill, forcing them into the forest. The objective carrier and a few Whinetroopers managed to leg it out of the only remaining exit in the circle and made a dash North.
Hamster and Ricktion took the far side escape route, and aggressively "patrolled" after them. Like bucktoothed landed gentry we all came prancing through the forest, chasing our quarry. In fairness to them, they kept up a good pace and even returned fire for a good old ding dong, as the toffs would say. In the end though, the poor foxes were brought down and we grabbed the objective barrel. The general fled with the remaining 2-3 reds... directly into Smiedt's freshly spawned main group of Blues. 10 minutes later, we had all spawn points on the field and the Red paratrooper general had a face like thunder.
We retired for tea and tiffin.
Paintstorm is a three objective domination game. The main objective is a to spend as much as money on paint dominating your wallet. No wait.. It's a central tower, with quick spawns to get back to the fight.
UE took about taking the tower... 78 times or so. The action was hard, so it changed hands many times. It never got old, carefully moving through the trenches and then rushing to the base of the tower... sprinting up the stairs to either get blasted by the enemy team or get blasted by your own team. We really should nail down some sort of challenge/accept code. Kudos to Gizmo, for valiantly charging to the closest barricade in one of the fastest dashes I have ever seen. I followed crouching down behind in the slowest most casual manner ever witnessed on a paintball site. He got shot and I survived.
Once the tower was (mostly) secure, it was time for a loved UE tradition. Ricktion got shot by his own team at point blank by a German who managed to understand Soap counting to 3 but not him. Germany really needs to think about it's efficiency at shooting Ricktion. They've gotta pump those figures up, those are rookie numbers in this racket.
So advanced are UE's military minds that new FACTs were developed on the fly. Can't see over a barrier because it is too high? No problem. Take one Hamster, place on Soap's shoulders and create a kind of Prince Goro paintballing monster.
Fun fact:- the Red team did not expect 10 foot blues to be shooting over their pathetically small 7 foot barricades.
After a good barney round the tower it was time to call it a day and seek liquid refreshment.
EBG's games were epic, even if the turnout was significantly smaller than last year. In all everyone seem to play with decency and fairly. It was funny to see when moving up sometimes the opposition would break cover and run away. I can safely say that I have never seen this happen in the UK, it was hilarious.
The site was extremely well equipped and maintained. There were marshalls everywhere, which was good. However, they didn't always know what the game type or objectives were. The safe zone was very well set out and it was heart breaking to see that the common bar/party area was not being used at all. However, considering the RONA it was probably best left that way. Next year, the speeches and meat swinging are going to be a welcome re-addition. (See last year's report).
I for one, will definitely be going next year, 100%, absolutely no hesitation. Mostly though, I'm looking forward to stealing another award that should really have been Hamster's.