German walk on writeup

Germany walk ons writeup

Event info:

Date May 16th – June 13th 2020
Venue Paintball Battlefields Hildesheim
Promoter Paintball Battlefields Hildesheim
Players CharlieTwo, Gero
Result Test: Positive

Post corona paintball

As UE's members living in the first European country to slip out of the Rona's grip, Gero and I had a first look into the post-coronocalyptic world of paintball. Corona has had us stay at home hiding under our blankets, playing Ghost Recon Wildlands or escaping to run the local Harz mountain range to stay fit. The irony is that if NvS is on, there is a high chance that many paintballers will just die of heart attacks due to their cardiac furlough.

Fortunately, our federal County of Lower Saxony had few Corona cases. Lower Saxony has more livestock than humans so effects were limied. Our chancellor and future Empress of the GigaVerse, Angela Merkel, decided to lift the lockdown around mid May. The Paintball battlefields Hildesheim, which is our local site, were among the first to open in the whole country.

The first ominous thing about the post-corona paintball world is that everything must be reported and traceable. You need to register in advance, leave your phone details and as the player numbers on-site are limited, you need to be lucky enough to get a slot. Almost no casual bumming is allowed, which was a huge blow to the paintball community.

In contrast to other sports, paintball has the advantage of being outdoors. Masks are compulsory, and it's exceptionally easy to maintain safe distances during play... and socially, as everyone looks down on paintballers, even the French. No country is better at longballing than Germany, so social distancing is easy. No stupid additional kit is required to stand back and fire aimlessly into the sky.

Technically, you need to maintain 1.5m distance and wear a facemask literally everywhere off the actual playing field. Because of that, everybody on site looked like the lovechild between G8 protesters and riot police. The site managers found a couple of ingenious solutions to help us, i.e. access to registration and refilling stations was unidirectional. All the benches were labelled in a way that makes it impossible to get closer than 5 feet... you even do not need to wear facemasks.

It's a reasonable set of additional rules to ask from players, and most people chose to either wear shemaghs (also known as a keffiyeh, kufiya, ghutrah, ḥattah, mashadah, chafiye, dastmal yazdi or cemedani), as they are more convenient. It's definitely something you need to have in your kit for EBG later this year.

0% infection : 100% jihad

Red stripes on the table mark the boundary for every player's kit. On the benches, unmarked areas are for your ass, yellow striped areas for your kit bag and/or gay sex areas for Northwestern European island-dwelling non-EU citizens. Unfortunately this was a waste of time to set up as there was no one from Iceland on site.

On both days, the site had about 150 – 200 players on site. It is one of the largest sup-air sites in Northern Germany and home to at least six different sup-air teams. However, it also has a number of excellent woodland sites and a few fields that are in between both play styles. Among the fields is a traffic jam (Very German, and probably emits too much CO2, though), a Yorkshire dogging site (Trailer park) and a number of vicious CQC villages. The best field is a 300 x 300 ft. harbor site full of shipping containers and a helicopter for around 50+ players. Some containers are dead ends, others are passageways and some are stacked so you can play on the top level.

Stalingrad: Actual Grammar Nazi unleashed

They would have a real life plane crash field with an actual plane on it, but that's on top of a toxic waste dump, so they can't drill holes for the netting posts. Yet.

Because of the Corona chaos, there were few marshals on site, so teams had to be organised ourselves. We won a few, lost a few and found out that we really, really need to do some CQC training. On a brighter note, Gero and I ended up in different teams on one occasion which triggered a duel more sophisticated and spectacular than Anakin and Obi Wan.

That is, of course, a lie. We saw each other on the field and Valhalla-charged each other much to the amusement of the marshals.

To sum up, a number of really good things came out of the Corona situation: People really learned to appreciate playing again, and the usual standard of games and organization really hit home. We got the feeling that players want to engage more in a social manner. For example, we managed to get a number of 'micro Big Games' on site going, in which multiple teams joined in. This was a thing that was unthinkable half a year ago, when they insisted on doing their own thing. Hell, we even got a WhatsApp group going and a number of players interested in NvS 2021.

Three match days have shown us that it is well possible to have paintball matches, even larger games with a minimum of effort in what anti-Corona-measures are concerned. We are optimistic that we'll see Euro Big Game 2020 happening and still have some hope for NvS, if Jim and his crew manage to implement the new set of rules and get them past the UK authorities.

However, now that we got out of the Corona scare, a new disease infecting German paintballers seems to be looming: It is characterized by:

  • nervously fiddling with magazines during the games
  • a significantly lowered 'rate of fire' and a lack of balls
  • constantly referring to a predefined set of excuses

Much research has uncovered an STD we provisionally named Magfed-Virus. After the chronic pandemic of Longballing Syndrome (which was first observed at last year's Euro Big Game) it is already the second mysterious disease that slowly corrupts the German paintballing scene. Both Gero and me found ourselves confronted by numerous infected at our last game.

Dealing with an infected magfeeder's numerous problems can include answering quesions like:

  • Does that hand bag and make-up match my TMC?
  • Do I need another pink AR15 stock to go with my fake laser sight?

Other symptons include an absolute inability to be on the field on time, the need to get a written invitation to go for a shit, and superior whininess whenever you lose a game. If you ever find one of these individuals in the wild and feel you must help, simply lead them to the nearest vendor and instruct them to buy a normal sized hopper.

Or nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Finally, we also did some Portuguese paintball accessories porn for Andre with lots of sexy MILFs (Markers I'd Like to Fire). Check out his new product range. There are no promotional videos yet from UE yet though. Andre wanted to have a couple of "long ones" up his barrel, but his basque range hasn't been selling too well in the lockdown, and the man-modelling fee is just too much at the moment..

The new marker design