Stalingrad writeup

Stalingrad writeup

Event info:

Date 17th November 2019
Venue Skirmish Bullswood
Promoter Bullswood
Players Capt Price, CharlieTwo, Gero, Hamster, Juice, Little Dave, Mr P, Ricktion, Rocket, Soap
Result Win / Win


As mentioned in previous writeups, Stalingrad is probably the best walk-on in the UK. UE are now regulars, having attended for a number of years. As per last year, we were on the Russian's team, meaning there was much Soviet related banter and pro-Putin fact anecdotes. While they do not offer the true BEST KOREAN communism, they are still our allies in Truth, so this was all approved by our Glorious Leader.

The Saturday: Extra-curricular Activities

The journey down was relatively uneventful, but on arriving we managed to have a quick catch up with Gareth from Urban/Driver Wood Paintball. He's been busy massively extending the site, including major Airsoft updates, an air rifle shooting range, safe zone updates. There's also a complex sex dungeon that would make a Dutch person blush.

After a thorough investigation of the dungeon... I mean site, we made our way over to the nearest grubshop. Here, the final few UE members arrived, including the Germans who'd just made it through customs on the Great Wall of Brexit. A full belly and maybe a few beers later we headed to the hotels, checked in and began a day of manly-man activities; Mantivities, if you will.

Nearby there was a multi activity park, however it was fairly busy. We managed to pre-book a session doing Hovercrafting. After a short trek through some muddy fields and out into the countryside, we were shown how to pilot a pair of single man hovercrafts. While the basics were not too hard, there was plenty of room for comedy errors. This gave us plenty of room to laugh at each other, ensuring that the traditaion of individuals in UE being unable to develop self esteem or any form of pride was maintained.

After this, we moved onto our next event: two escape room scenarios.

For those not in the know, an escape room is a scenario where you are locked in a room for a period of time, without access to the outside (phones etc) and the only way to escape is to solve assorted puzzles. These can be basic mathematics, simple logic and so forth. Usually the method of escape is a key or combination lock that needs to be found or accessed. The key to success is methodical thinking, teamwork and a calm rational approach, so obviously we were totally screwed. However, several of UE just loved the idea of being locked away with no phone and no one to hassle them for a predetermined period and had a good quality nap.

Following all this excitement, the only thing left to do was down a few beers at the local spoons, and as usual bollocks was spoken and jokes were made. After some sold banter, we retired to our hotel rooms and prepared for the game.


UE converged on site in good time. We parked up and got the non-MOT endorsed pickup van down to the site where we prepped for the game. Stalingrad is obviously based around the historical event. It is a two team game, based around a combination of sieges, assaults and the now famous tank fights.

Stalingrad has a tank that can be controlled or fought in some of the games. The drivers have missions that are related to the ongoing game and they can be killed using an entirely safe and definitely not lethal missile launcher that fires explosive grenades. Make a successful hit at key points of the tank and it is considered a damaging hit. The tank must either retreat or is considered killed depending on the mission. This has definitely never gone wrong and no one has ever been able to nearly kill the drivers. Ever.

It opened in classic paintball comedy. UE were joining their Russian Communist comrades fighting the German forces of Hitler and the SS. As has been the case for a few years, both generals made rallying speeches in their respective tongues... However UE's Euro division were required when the Nazi forces seemed to not be as fluent as required. UE soon deployed our very own grammar Nazi to correct them to much hilarity.

Stalingrad: Actual Grammar Nazi unleashed

First Game : Defend the base

The first game was a classic "fall back and defend" scenario. The Germans spawned and initially had a large advantage, pushing the Russians to their base, but UE split up, with Rocket, Ricktion quickly rally many of the troops, using CharlieTwo, Gero, Price and Soap to run patrols and quick responses. By having a central force with the General he was able to offer guidance where he needed us, but as a rule he let us do our own thing only asking for assistance where needed.

The German's objective was to capture flags at points throughout the base areas, but these patrols and UE's consistently surprising organisation meant that they were able to quickly move large portions of the force in a disciplined way to defend the majority of the flags. While the Germans hardly gave up, it became quickly apparent that the defence were well established and properly run. Once the main push had died down, the final 45 mins of the game were skirmishes that were mopped up quickly by the Russians. A solid victory!

Stalingrad: A post breakfast lie down

Second game: Tank comedy

The second game had a similar theme, but added to it was the fact that Soviets had a tank that needed to advance itself and approach the German base. The Germans were equipped with the missile launcher. This meant that defending the tank was difficult, as it became a focus point for the Germans who were able to quickly turn over many of the attacking forces.

After several attacks, the Germans were able to isolate the tank and secure a hit. While it was possible to re-spawn the tank, it showed the run of the game. Several later pushes ended with the same outcome. it was a little frustrating, but mainly a well fought fight by the Germans.

It was every UE members favourite part of the game... lunch! A thoroughly nutritious buffet of burgers and soft drink were on offer, and UE took this opportunity to ensure that their cholesterol levels were kept appropriately high for the rest of the day.

Final Game

The final game was a flag based domination game. Flags gave points at regular intervals, and given the previous game scores, it effectively meant a winner takes all game. With a belly full of high quality grub, UE quickly took the field securing a few objectives, and created another patrol style approach using a split of teams. Rocket, Mr P as well as Soap and Price were pushing hard down the centre, while Ricktion, Hamster, CharlieTwo and Gero pushed the right flank hard. Several of the team, such as Juice and Little Dave were constantly hopping between groups and keeping pressure on where it was needed.

Once the numerical flag advantage had been established, the usual UE patrols and dynamic reinforcement tactic was implemented, with respawns/fresh players being guided by UE members. This game was slightly longer, so maintaining the full defensive line was tricky. Some flags were lost to good pushes by the Germans, however the consistent adaptive play meant that they could either be quickly gained back or, other targets were taken while it happened.

In particular, Mr P was running a constant harassment of their supply lines, quickly flipping an important base that required them to focus back and push him out repeatedly. This put a stranglehold of reserves for the centre of the field, and in the last 30 mins of the game Ricktion's right flank swung in, meeting Rockets central push and the Germans were pushed well back into their territory.

It's almost like we planned it... on the radios... in advance. But we all know it was a fluke and UE have no skill to speak of and it was just chance making them look good..


At the end, the points were tallied up, giving the Russians a victory, but their third game victory only barely gave them victory after the strong second game for the Germans.

UE were also given a shout out at the award ceremony, with Mr P getting play of the day for his base flipping solo antics in the third game. Ricktion got player of the day for the Russians, but that was probably more to do with shouting the loudest, not due to any tactics or leadership skill.

Overall, this was another quality game from the Stalingrad organisers. It's a great atmosphere with an equally good site. Of all the scenario games in the UK, this is definitely one of the best, even if their rocket launchers would fail health and safety in Eastern Europe.

Top game, top fun. See you all next time!