North Versus South Writeup

North Versus South Event Writeup

Event info:

Date 05th - 07th May 2017
Venue DIO Swynnerton.
Players Ricktion, Corky, Jacko, HammerTime, Fembo, Justin, Mrs Fembo, Little Dave, Gibbo, Mr P, Rocket, Primate, Hamster, Cruch, Chris Cutting + 6 Hangers on
Minions Kev, Bob, Dave, Stu
Result Loss, Win, Loss


Once again UE were duped into attending NvS. With every passing day UE resemble an eastern European sex traffic victim with Stockholm syndrome; It feels dirty, but somehow it's what we're used to and we love it. This was not the job we signed up for!

UE were involved in leadership roles including being Southern Generals.


This year there was a competition to create different classes of tank. UE opted to enter the least effort and maximum comedy class: Class A. We arrived early to begin manufacture of our master weapons: the Minion Tank brigade. These 4 flat packed wendy houses of death would soon be crushing our foes in an emasculating whirlwind of death!

Minion Mk1 under testing

As the afternoon wore on it became obvious that Ricktion was late. This was strange; for those that know him he is the most organised and punctual person you will ever meet. He has never missed a deadline ever! As we were putting final touches to our tank brigade we got a call from a distressed Ricktion. For once the call wasn't about his World of Warcraft account expiring. He was only 3 miles away from site and had broken down in the team van.

As you can imagine, this was a surprising turn of events. This no-expense-spared and extremely well maintained vehicle should not have broken down! However, that being said, our first thought was to begin a rescue mission. With a ford Mondeo and piece of rope we recovered him from the M6 roundabout. We managed to get back in time for the Blackout hunting meeting.

Friday night game : Blackout Hunting

The Blackout Game is a privilege to play. For those of you unfamiliar with it the premise is as follows:

The game is set at night. A small force of around 50 hunters have to stop several hundreds of players who are aiming to escape/evade them. There are lots of pyro traps, ambush points and other fun and games to be had.

Being a hunter is typically a fairly disciplined event. People may not get to your location for a few hours, meaning that quite a lot of it is hanging around, chatting and getting cold. As a hunter your aim is to facilitate the event, and it can be a lot of fun.

Gibbo and Little Dave : North Versus South Night game

The night was mostly quiet, but there were some good ambushes. A particular comedy highlight was when the CEP portuguese decided to sneak off into the bushes to ambush people... and in doing so ran through a UE ambush. Lots of blue on blue firing ensued, resulting in a hilarious stand off. Some fierce shouts of 'OBRIGADO' sorted a cease fire, and it was all good again.

It has been theorised that Andre from CEP thought he saw a basque hidden in some bushes and led his whole team to recover the precious silken merchandise.

The finale was one of the main buildings near the entrance, but it was so heavily fortified that the UE guys came in for the evening to prepare for the next day by drinking heavily.


We expected a nice lie in on Saturday, but an un-advertised 9:30 Tank briefing came up... A breifing that Jim/Steve also forgot to attend. The other tank players chipped together and sorted it out amongst ourselves, sorting rules and gentlemen's agreements about playing styles etc. That's people power, or communism... and possibly Corbynism.

Just remember that some tanks are more equal than others.

As is traditional, UE played with the invasion force (the JNTF). Some say that this comes from a genuine love of playing with our foreign team friends. Realistically it's just as much that we hate North England and South England with equal measure.

South versus JNTF

We started by defending the Ammo dump and the Comm tower. At first the JNTF had the upper hand, but the South sent most of the attacking force to the Ammo Dump instead of attacking both Ammo and the Comm Tower. After a short, while we were overwhelmed and retreated to the Comm tower. Again we only managed to hold for 30 mins before we were pushed of the map.

This was some focused play by the South, and they dominated the game well.

We also had our first tank skirmish. It became apparent that the Minion MKI was severely under armoured in one area; we were out gunned and lost every encounter apart from one.

The tanks moved off the field and went to upgrade/repair. The MKII added a netting upgrade and proved much more effective. It was vastly more manoeuvrable in close range fighting and in the later engagements we did not lose a single minion!

Minion Mk2s dominate the field

There was a comedy moment when Mr P in KEV literally ran rings round and enemy tank while everyone else watched in wonder.

North versus JNTF

The The set-up was pretty much the same for the JNTF, but the North did not use the same tactics. They concentrated early on at the Comms tower which is easier to defend than the Ammo Dump. This meant that it took the North a lot longer to push the Ammo dump, holding up the their forces from reaching the Comms tower. After some heroic defending of the Ammo Dump, it fell and the North Got the Comms tower Surrounded.

Brexit | North Versus South

There was a tense tank faceoff right outside the front door. This was a stalemate for a while but the North tank eventually surrendered and left the minion tank guarding the back door of the Comms tower. This extra defense and improved position meant that North were held and the JNTF won.

Saturday Night "Game": UE versus lots of beer

As is usual, the team split with several of the camping crew staying onsite, while the old men went to their hotel for a few beers and an early night.

The onsite party gave it's usual fun. There was a tank ceremony, with a drive past and then awards. UE were the only people to enter the Class A category, so Ricktion was able to take a clean sweep with a loss, a bronze medal, a silver medal and a gold medal.

This once again proves that Universal Exports are the alpha and the omega of paintball... the beginning and the end... The self filling and drinking beer.

Speaking of beer, there was plenty of that to make the day's injuries fade. A good night of laughs were had with the other teams and we retreated back to our beds fairly early in the morning.

Sunday Game

The south elected to start at Gate B. This gave the advantage in the early contraband missions, but put us at a disadvantage for the MI5 battle at 12:00. It also offered a better scoring opportunity for the later 2pm battle.

Off to War | North Versus South

We had a few timetable changes which only really made a difference for the MI5 battle. The battlefield is usually a little dynamic and this was to be expected. However, there was an incident which we shall now refer to as MI5-Gate.

The initial reports I received told me that the north had been naughty and cost us the objective. However after hearing both sides of the story, the south 'fouled' first, and in fact the points should go to the North.

I agreed with the outcome but it did put us on the back foot for the rest of the day. We continued to score well on the minor missions but knew we had to hold MI6 at 2pm to win the overall game. After some hard fighting and excellent tank battles around 1pm we held MI6 and were well dug in.

Crunch | North Versus South

At this point, the mobility and flexibility of the Minions were really paying off as enemy tanks could not stay near the objective easily.

We continued to hold until 1:50. The north finally took out our hospital, and in a clever move attacked our spawn point, distracting many of the south players from the actual objective building of MI6. As numbers dwindled in MI6 the north made a big final push and took the building, taking the big score.

I knew then and there we had lost, but had one last option for glory. The Police Station remained as a high scoring objective. We dropped the rest of our Intel at MI5 then moved to attack the Police Station.

We surrounded the building with overwhelming numbers, using flashbangs, smoke and tens of thousands of rounds of paint. However, the defenders had infinite lives and infinite paint, and it was clear that the police were not going to leave.

I never like events with a third faction and in this case all it caused was a problem. A lot of South players just simply got hacked off with the police and left. All we could do was stop the North from getting to the building and stop a loss becoming a rout.

We held the north to stalemate by using the last of the minion tank brigade to stop the enemy tanks getting to the police station.

Now the second scandal, which we will call GazTazGate, occurred.

After a while, some South and North players started asking to join forces against the police. I was happy to let this happen as I knew we had already lost. We has nothing to play for except pride and fun.

Several of our senior players approached Taz as a Northern Representative, and a truce was struck. The teams near the location intermingled and started to work together.

However: minutes later Gaz overrulled him removing the truce. However it was too late - the orders were not well disseminated and many of the players from the north were just milling about helping the South.

At this point it was degenerating. I ran a minion tank to the front door just for the LOL's then backed off for the last few minutes of game time after being 'politely' asked to leave by the police.


While not the best for UE, it was another good event. The 25th event had extra fanfair and presentations, and it seems that organiser Jim is not content with the biggest UK event - he wants the longest presentation ceremony as well. To be fair, they still have plenty to do to catch up with the multi-day Paintugal event (which rumour has it is being renamed to PresentationFest).

Rocket | North Versus South

As usual at North Versus South it was a great game with many old friends, some new ones and as always - laughs and great memories. The traditional curry and beers out on the town followed. In summary : a top event!

Special thanks to: CEP, Limp Bravo, Horizontal Intentions, GPL Copenhagen, Vanguards, Myrmidons, and Tornado

UE's Champion Tank - The Minion Mk2