Tropic Thunder 2 Writeup

Tropic Thunder Event Writeup

Event info:

Date 17th - 19th March 2017
Venue Anzio Camp, Leek
Players Ricktion, rocket, Hammertime, Justin, Mr P, Jacko, Tweedyban, Hamster, Fembo, Mrs Fembo
Result Loss


There was no game on Friday, so we made our way to nearby Leek in the evening. After some sat nav and hotel comedy, we found a decent local pub and settled into to the usual process of terrorising the locals. This was a vital mission and consisted of attempting to drink all their beer and ruin their nights in a subtle yet effective way. This, like all paintballers, was achieved via the medium of complaining about everything that people enjoy with a particular aim of bringing anyone nearby down.

Don't thank us - it's a free service.

A few hours of so-called fun later and it was time for an early night to be ready for the game.

The Game

Following Last year's epic run of results and winning 7 games in a row, we decided to copy Leicester city and do the exact opposite with an epic loss for the first game of the season!

It has long been theorised that Universal Exports are simply a mathematical game played by a sadistic god. Just how long can terrible and hungover players win games? How much slackness is actually possible in paintball, and how long can such unfit players dominate (at least in their own minds) and have the general public remain keen for paintball?

Well - that has now changed. Our god is dead; or maybe he's just watching Sex and The City Box Sets and forgot we were playing that weekend. Either way.. how did it unfold, you (probably didn't) ask?

The set was 3 teams, the Actors, Drug Dealer & Mercs, with numbers of 20,25 & 60 respectively. On the face of it you would assume the Mercs would have it sown up with such a massive numeric advantage. However, this was not the case with the Drug Dealers taking the win (but only after allying with the Actors).


Saturday was short 1 hour games with relatively simple objectives. All 3 teams managed to score points, but the Drug Dealers took the lead by the end of the day. One highlight for us was Game 3 when we had to drag 'Dave' the dummy all the way across the map and then hold building 4 until the end of the hour.

Following a mad rush from the Fembos we managed to extract Dave from enemy territory quickly and get him to the correct building. From there it a question of holding out till the end. Both teams attacked us, surrounded us. Most players down to just a few round of paint, but defences held and we took our first real points of the day.

Fembo leads the attack

At this point the weather turned, paint was chopping and things were becoming difficult. Since we are bunch of pussies we left early. It must be noted that it was nothing at all to do with the fact that the rugby was on in the pub. The fact that the pub sold beer and provided basic warmth and shelter was also irrelevant.


The second day was a much happier affair. It was obvious from the start the only points we could score were later in the game. Using what only the most grizzled veterans of paintball refer to as "a plan", we set-up camp on building 10. The General decided to defend this position from the start of the day and never let it go.

UE defends the objective

The Drug Dealers had a good go at trying to evict us but solid defence and some good play from all meant that we held. At some point in the early afternoon the Drug Dealers and Actors declared a truce as the Merc's were looking like they might win, and their superior numbers were really starting to show.

So, with the alliance formed, we helped the drug dealers take there last objective and they agreed to help us with ours. A well thought out plan by UE and the general worked - It felt good! And we beat the Merc's as a combined force.

Mr P

Some feedback - the paint wasn't great; the temperature was cold, the air was damp and it was raining most of the time. Everyone complained about the paint, including me.

In order to fill the gaping void of an empty life at home, I took some paint home and heated it to 22 degrees. The paint then was fine with no chopping, no bursts, and it fired straight. So I am not too worried about events later in the year as the GI sports paint will be fine. However it may be time for a 'Winter' Clear ball... over to you paint suppliers.


Alternatively we could flood the atmosphere with thermally insulating gasses and pollution. This will lead the climate of the earth to warm significantly, removing this need. There maybe some downsides of war based on scarce resources, environmental devastation and mass extinctions... but at least I can paintball in winter.

Oh wait. That's already happening.