Peninsulolz

Peninsulolz

Universal Exports are in extreme trouble according to their not very deep cover special reporter: Sore throat.

This is her latest report on the fate of Universal Exports, and in fact the world. Bear in mind that it includes facts of such white-hot truth that you should probably take precautions. Ensure you are seated, relaxed and in a place you are comfortable. Conveniently enough, the Universal Exports blog isn't much good other than for wasting time while having a shit at work, so the majority of people will be OK.

British Gas based financial apocalypse

Finding the truth is always important to me. My only satisfaction is letting the public know the facts... My payment for this is meagre and not why I do it. Furthermore, a particularly large gas bill did not affect my decision to investigate this at all.

I digress...

As we all know, Universal Exports are main agents of propagandism for BEST KOREA and indeed the lead proponents of SPACE COMMUNISM in general. Currently, despite their best efforts they are failing. Even for the eccentric life-failures UE they have hit new lows, and are likely to gulag-ed before the end of the month.

As we all know, the current news is a fabric of lies spread by the simultaneously right and left wing liberal-conservative media. If that sounds confusing, it's because you're yet to understand the duality of ... well. More of that in next week's blog (just after the water bill arrives).

I digest...

Nuclear GGMILF-ageddon

Kim Jong Un has declared that his aim was to be 'negotating for peace in korean peninsula'. This is a fatal misunderstanding, caused by a mistranslation by UE.

The Glorious leader was forced to converse with Jacko and Crunch, both of whom were half-cut on Brasso during the meeting. Communication was also made more difficult by their 'colonial' accents. Due to the UE/James Bond theme, the phrase 'negotating for peace in korean peninsula' morphed into 'famous Bond Actress Ursula Andress' piece was up for negotiation'.

Kim Jong Un is also unaware that Dr No, and hence the character Honey Ryder, was filmed in 1962. While she is still stunning for her age... that age is currently 82. Born in 1936, she literally remembers the founding of BEST Korea.

And the opening of the M11 in June 1975.

Nuclear GGMILF admin error.

Furthermore, in a wonderful BONDFACT, UE are in further trouble as her voice was dubbed by Nikki van der Zyl.. not that Kim Jong Un is after much conversation.

OUR GLORIOUS LEADER is currently having a barbecue of BEST BANK HOLIDAY KOREAN BBQ noodles. It is expected that when he finds out about UE's latest cock-up, it will go down in history as the first nuclear war caused by a Bond GGILF.

Like a Helen of Troy... but her face launched a thousand megatonnes.

Helen of Nuclear Troy

Additional Domestic Propaganda Failures

The ongoing admin errors of UE do not end there. Universal Exports are constantly attempting to spread the word about SPACE COMMUNISM. That's why they're always chilling in the safe-zone instead of actually playing; to push the glorious space revolution.

At least, that's what MrP claimed as he sat eating flapjacks during our interview. He hadn't even unpacked his marker.

I divest...

Within the UK, SPACE COMMUNISM hasn't been established, but SPACE LABOUR has, and Jeremy Corbyn is the leader of this party. During the local council elections he has used trusted agents of SPACE COMMUNISM, UE, to pass on the manifesto pledge to begin the revolution. This began with the dedicated pledge to re-nationalise the trains: National Rail was to move into the public sector.

Rocket from Universal Exports met with the Corbynator. He carefully wrote the plans down, passing them to Hammertime. Hammertime quickly began setting up a new company, as per Rocket's instructions.

However, due to the complex and confusing symbols that Rocket's dyslexic hands wrote down, Hammertime was confused. Thus, in a now all too familiar admin error, UE accidentally instigated the process of nationalising braile: the alphabet for blind people.

I undress...

The idiocy doesn't end there. Midway through the application, the local Warhammer store opened. Hammertime only filled in half the paperwork, and the second half of the paperwork was rejected. Hence, Universal Exports failed to copyright the punctuation within braile.

The London commute (2030)

Rainbow friendly cheese-hungry ultra-slackers Limp Bravo decided to swoop in to wind UE up and copyright the punctuation. SPACE LABOUR have it in their constitution to account for many minority groups; the deaf, the blind... even Northerners. This added copyright complication means that over the last months it has been nearly impossible to write any sort of sentence or sensible response.

That is why Jeremiah Corbynation has been unable to answer any fucking question directly: ending a sentence abruptly without trailing off would look stupid without a full-stop.

This issue has had no effect of Teresa May; she is too busy hiding incriminating documents and deporting black people to care about the deaf.

Universal Exports are then attempting to curry the favour of Lima Bravo to buy the copyright. By offering bribes of cheese, shit bicycles, and eye melting pornography it is hoped that they will allow the ongoing SPACE COMMUNIST REVOLUTION to continue. Attempts at this truce will be put to the test this weekend at North Versus South, although it should be called North versus SPACE COMMUNISTS.

Find out more next week, when the financial pressures of a Water bill will motivate Sore Throat to expose more the murky world of paintball...