This latest report of hard facts from Malcom 'Thrust' Nunn continues his epic discoveries regarding East Vs BEST WEST. He recently phoned into the UE headquarters deep underground in Pyongyang-tifact, where he spoke to a member of the Satellite Development Team. Here follows the rushed phone call, transcribed for all to enjoy...
Following the startling revelations of the Best Korean Historical Paintball, and to clear my head, I buried myself in other research. I was put in contact with my colleague from the Wiltshire Chronicler, Tyla Wynn.
Her investigations lead to her investigating allegations that 'The Office' was not the gritty documentary that it was portrayed to be. As a professional journalist, I gave this lady my time and professional opinions. I considered it vital that I probed deeply into that piece, this time at an unnamed roundabout in Swindon.
Hang on... I need 30 seconds in a dark room... maybe less.
27 seconds passed, and Malcom then continued, slightly out of breath.
As I was saying, I was taking a break from the Korean issues. I returned to my office to find my email inbox bursting with 6 messages. 4 were spam, 1 was for penis enlargement, the final for Viagra.
I realised that my thorough investigation had left me distracted and I was behind on the mainstream news. When deep under 'the covers' with such an enthusiastic and passionate colleague you become so immersed that have no idea what day it is... and not just because I'd been on the brasso in a bus stop.
It was time to catch up.
I was able to review the Queen's birthday celebrations. She is a very sprightly 90, barely looking a day over 70. I learned the terrible news that Prince was dead; and heavens to murgatroid, Victora Wood had passed away as well.
This got me thinking; a lot of A list celebs that have passed on this year and still the Queen looks amazing. Was there a connection?
As I was thinking, I received a text from paintball incompetents Universal Exports explaining that they had lost Equilibrium II, and are planning to lose North v South 'Rule Britannia' for the second year running.
Something was definitely amiss. Last years deliberate loss was actually a plan to cleanse the North of England that was only foiled by Lenny Henry's lack of BioChemical research skills. Given this definitely factual information, I can't help but smell a fish.. a fish that smells like some omnipotent crack-filled genitals.
UE are currently embroiled in a series of lawsuits, the most significant of which is to change the world map by rotating it by 90 degrees anticlockwise. For our American readers, that's anticlockwise. UE seem to have their hands full... I will have to investigate this myself.
As I looked, the pennies start dropping, real hard and fast. Things did not stack up, and I decided I needed to examine these supposedly unrelated facts.
I sat in my office - 'Killer Queen' on the radio, 'Soylent Green' on the 'SciFy' News Channel and reruns of the 'Mummy' on the Cinema. The first item on the agenda was I a solid set of investigative research into Tyla Wynns back door catalog.
27 seconds later, and with a fresh Pizza dribbling on my keyboard, I began piecing this conundrum together and soon came across my first break.
I came video of the last 'Princes Trust' concert. This was a private event arranged for the Queen as part of her 90th birthday celebrations. It featured music form David Bowie, Lemmy and Prince, and also with performances from Victoria Wood and Celine Dion.
I began to mull this over; there was something staring at me in the face. I fought hard with desperately trying to grasp it, but things simply would not fall in to place. I had no choice; I stopped my Political Pornstar monthly screensaver, this month featuring Jeremy Hunt in a BDSM spread with sexy Nurses Anne Widdicum and Teresa May, and focussed on the job in hand.
27 seconds later - it hit me, right in the face - thank god for wet wipes!
They are all dead! Every single major celebrity at the concert was dead, Bowie, Lemmy, Prince, Dion and Wood... All of this, and yet the Queen does not look a day over 70!
Looking closer into that concert, other performances were an extract from Shakespeare's Richard III starring Danny Dyer and a Paintball demonstration by Universal Exports!
This begged the question? Why?
Why have nearly all the performers at this concert died? I dismissed the wild theory that it a lifetime spent doing a concoction of drink and drugs was harmful (or in Dion's case creating music that makes you want to stab your eye out with a fork and feed it to Admiral Ackbars pet squid). What was the truth? What are the facts?
I paused to consider the bigger picture.
Elsewhere in the news, the renowned Simpson's actor Troy McClure was mentioned. You may know him from such factual documentaries as 'No time for Death', 'You too can live forever' and my personal favourite 'Elizabeth 2 the only Monarch you will ever need'. He announced that he had been added to Universal Exports's crack science team for the upcoming North v South game. This science team were to be based in their new secret base in Pontefract, but due to the Monofail incident are now room sharing with Pete Doherty in the Drakelow area.
Which led to such questions as: why would Universal Exports show their face at North v South after last years total total failure on all counts?
I needed more time to analyse the facts, but let's recap:
- The queen does not look a day over 70!
- There is a connection but damned if I cant get Tyla Wynn's total dedication to her craft and the filth that is Jeremy Hunt out of my head.
- I am running out of Kleenex and Baby Wipes
I'll return with more facts in part two.
I'm Malcolm 'Thrust' Nunn and that's why I drink
Tune in soon for part two.
It was pointed out to Malcolm Thrust Nunn that Celine Dion is not dead. He pointed out that her Career is deader than corduroy flares, and that we can only hope for the good of humanity that she took Bieber down with her.
A sentiment we can all agree with, I'm sure.