Buckfast Reporting

Following a three day investigative tour of Buckfast Abbey, Malcom Thrust Nunn returns with a white-hot bolt of news. This news bolt is fired directly from his single barrelled fact-cannon, spraying facts all over your face, which is how you like it.

Read on if you dare:

Thrusting Facts

Following UE's latest blog post , I decided to investigate their contract with BEST WEST KOREA to implement the BEST GLOBAL ORIENTATION. There were little leads to go on, and my most recent co-investigative reporter Jenna Jameson had moved from the Sunday Telegraph to the Guardian. However, in an administrative error, she accidentally signed a 5 year contract with the Worksop Guardian. This left her out of touch with much of Fleet Street, leaving me with little to go on. She recommended I ask a colleague of hers recently out of work to help me; thus this is how I and Keri Sable ended up working together.

We probed the usual sources; Romford Games Workshop, Stringfellows in Rhyl, the audience of the Jeremy Kyle show'... all to no avail. We decided to explore the BEST WEST country, and the Buckfast Abbey's easily available psycho-active wine and beautiful landscapes made it as good a place to start as any.

Around 4 bottles into the tour, I stumbled into Crunch and Corky lying on a bench covered in puke and dribbling a bit. However, this wasn't one of Corky's normal ball-injection sessions; I had to investigate. Using the oldest journalist trick in the book, I plied them with some of Buckfast Abbey's finest and soon they began spilling the beans over the latest plans from UE.

UE have become embroiled in numerous legal battles with assorted historians around the world as they attempt to rewrite history. According to BEST WEST KOREAN sources, they have always been western, and anyone who disagrees is a capitalist pig; the kind of person who comes round your house and throws normal rubbish in with your recycling.

UE are in the middle of suing North versus South to ensure that it is renamed BEST WEST vs EAST. Jim was unavailable to comment, and has been since his recent self-deepfrying incident. However the overview of their issues are:

  • North V South is sham corrupted by the wealth of the Rothschild family
  • All the generals were born north of the border, (Watford Gap services on the M1 just near J14), and both would prefer to live there if only it had some jobs
  • Thus the game is actually North Vs North, which doesn't have the same ring

Map of General locations

In BEST WEST KOREA, there is no need for a job, as the best Communist Juche ensures 100% employment of anyone not in a death camp. Thus Universal Exports are attempting to rally/sue the UK to align as follows:

  • The North versus South shall now be renamed East vs West
  • The game rules will also be changed to be dynastic wars for the throne of England around the time of 'the war of the roses'

This gives the opportunity for colourful historical characters to be introduced:

  • UE's BEST WEST's Robert 'Rocket' Daniels shall be known as 'Thomas Neville the bastard of Fauconberg'
  • Gaz Jones shall be known as Richard III
  • Tommy Webb shall be known as the Duke of Somerset
  • Reinier Pol from Limp Bravo shall be known as Elizabeth of York

The event will be spilt in to 4 events over 3 days culminating in an inbreeding session to produce a sole heir to the Warped throne. It has been pointed out that this has already happened, but strict adherence to this royal lineage will mean that the other inbreeds can simply pad out the party and assist in royal matters, like Nazi Bunga-Bunga Parties with UE.

East Versus West : Gaming Schedule

Princes in the tower | The Night game
An epic rescue mission set in the dark. No markers will be allowed, with just paintbrushes to simulate a knife fight. The winner will be temporarily crowned king of England; the loser will be buried in an unmarked grave somewhere around Swynnerton to be dug up years later by fracking Oil companies.
Buckingham's Revolt | Invasion Vs North Game.
The north (Richard III) will defend the island from the usurper invaders from across the sea. The invaders will begin their attack in seven ships from Brittany and hopefully achieve surprise with local opposing forces joining in to help the invasion. The north will use witchcraft to summon a storm to try and sink the ships, which seems to be their solution to everything since the steel works shut.
Battle of Tewkesbury | Invasion Vs South Game
Invaders hold the Kingdom but an uneasy peace strains the land. Soon, the South return with fresh reinforcements from abroad and around Britain. A fast moving battle as forces try to command the various bridges, shutting down hedges and ditches. The final show down being a thrilling hide and seek game for the Duke of Somerset in an Abbey.
Battle of Bosworth Field | Sunday Big game.
This final end game will make all previous battles irrelevant, with the result determining the outright winner. Fought over a wide area with several nationalities and loyalties, two large armies will slug it out in a war of attrition until a clear winner is found. The loser will be vanquished to the annals of history as usurper and purveyor of evil. He will be made fun of in great literary works years later and to be brought to life on screen by Brian Blessed.

The winner will get some Tesco vouchers and respect from his peers (for a while anyway) and marry a German.

Despite these genuinely original and clever ideas, they are expected to fail.

Critics explained that expecting Paintballers to know anything about history prior to September 1, 1939 is unrealistic. Most paintballers will have missed at least 50% of the historical jokes in this very report, without realising that the 50% of the events actually happened, and the Island had history before Churchill. This renders it one of UE's least funny blogs.

Particular criticism came from southern players who found it literally unbelievable that something important happened outside London.

The renaming is currently being fought out... the whole situation may come down to UE's crack legal team (a legal team who are on crack). Reports on their progress to follow soon!

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