Cartography! Olympic Breakfasts! Monorails!

Startling news has emerged from the world of Universal Exports that looks to put the whole North versus South big game under question.

This is another update from UE's behind the scenes mastermind, Julian Assange.


Around a week ago, Assange was scheduled to report to our Glorious Leader Kim Jong Un regarding UE's recent gaming project. The project has achieved BEST financial success, allowing the BEST Economy to improve drastically.

This meeting took place in Retford Little Chef on the A1 Northbound. Kim Jong Un had a busy schedule of managing the Best Korean Economy, threatening to nuke America, and forking 3 Olympic Breakfasts into his fat BEST face. In between brown sauce refills, Assange turned Kim Jong Un's world map to face him.

At this point, Kim Jong Un's face lit up, and not just because more hash browns had arrived.

He immediately stood up, and announced the following to his scurrying BEST KOREAN Generals and Civic Planners:

For too long the Western Imperialist Agenda has been dominating the world. From now on, the world shall adopt the BEST GLOBAL ORIENTATION. As this freshly rotated map shows, the true orientation is 90 degrees out from all current maps. We are no long BEST Korea, we are BEST WEST Korea. All maps are to be changed, and a new list of world items is to be prepared.

This had instant global implications. Shambolic life-failures Universal Exports were instantly contracted to ensure this transition, being tasked with promoting and implementing this change, as well as establishing a new base for the BEST WEST motherland.

A slightly resentful Mrs Fembo, explained:

The contract came in, and I quickly summoned the newly formed BEST WEST UE legal team. I dispatched Admiral Ackbar to investigate copyright issues, as well as recruiting a crack team of supporting legal experts, including Danny Dyer and the ghost of Jade Goody to lobby OFFPAINT

Summoning the dead is a real fucking hassle and totally ate into my Sunday. I planned to fix the guttering in my house, play some Kim Fighter 5, and then cry myself to sleep like every other member of Universal Exports, he added.

He continued, Furthermore I'll have to speak to Jim from Warped about renaming North Vs South. That sucks. Being from the home counties I'm afraid of anyone who has accents and can pronounce the 't' in 'three'.

UE's legal team

At this point, UE's resident ball injector, Corky, piped up:

Our Glorious Leader's plan has several phases. Phase one was the implementation of a new map to revolutionise the world. Now phase two is underway. Universal Exports are currently building him a new base in the UK.

The town of Pontefract in BEST WEST Yorkshire has been chosen. Once Admiral Ackbar's BEST LAWSUIT is completed, the town will be renamed to Pyongyang-tifact.

Universal Exports have begun work on the new underground base, which is located deep underground in an old mine. Plans are underway to move much of the research division of UE there, but things are running behind schedule. Originally the engineering trio of Rocket, Mr P and Hammertime arranged for the installation of an evil-lair style monorail. This would achieve the correct balance of efficient movement and the constant evil dread of incoming torture by a bond villian keeping the workers motivated.

However, in a now entirely predictable admin error, UE have managed to cock up this process.

Rocket, Mr P and Hammertime placed the order while multi-tasking and playing a game of DPRK-craft. In ordering the new monorail, they forgot that the it was an overground monorail and thus not suitable for an underground bunker.

This has caused many people to dub this the UE Monofail incident.

Rather than let this situation ruin them, UE thus set to work to fix it. Crunch, Popeye and Fembo took nearby Yorkshire resident, 'the guy from the Plusnet ads', hostage and have been making him bore tunnels for the monorail. Work has been hard, but being a BESTener he's actually not a pussy. However, the project is behind schedule and more workers are required.

The head internet truthseeker, Ricktion, has a plan. He is General at the upcoming Equilibrium 2 game, leading the Grammaton Cleric faction. He intends to take hostages from the Resistance side, with the aim of putting them to work digging tunnels for the the Monorail.

The game is set. The inevitable victory by UE in the Equilibrium event will ensure that the Clerics think they just had a good game of paintball. The loss of the Resistance faction will have them cast into the earth, Ricktion stated.

When it comes to be counted... make sure you're on the correct side, he warned.

And for once I am actually not talking about bumsex., he added.

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