UE-KI-LEAKS returns with another huge payload of facts. This report is so laden with factual juiciness that the average user should use extreme caution when viewing the document. However, the contents affect us all, possibly changing the entire global dynamic in ways that you could not even conceptualise. Mainly because you're thick. Should you wish to read on, I can only promise you the sweet release of being rammed full of facts.
This should make a change from you being rammed full by Rhyl Rugby Club 2nd XV in order to achieve the sweet release of being able to pay your gas bill.
Rumours have have been circulating about Universal Exports' Captain, walking diplomatic incident Julian Assange. Despite being stuck in the Ecuadorian Embassy, he has remained a behind the scenes mastermind. Recently, the leaky Auzzie has recently been rumoured to have been seen on the field playing with UE.
We at UE-KI-LEAKS can deliver the following interview:
I've not been in the Embassy for ages. UE's Glorious Leader, Kim Jong-Un gave me a special mission around
six months ago, and since then I've been in and out, he said casually.
It's really easy to escape. There's still a crowd of Guardian morons constantly banging on the front door,
begging me for an interview. The police can't see shit, so I just put on a hoodie and walked out the
back. Since I worked out that was possible, life's been easy. he added.
When you see pictures of me striding around in the embassy, half of the time it's actually just a
cardboard cutout glued to a roomba. Apparently I did a press release the other day... Did I fuck,
That was a mobile phone taped to the back of a cutout. It wasn't even me speaking. I was
having a shit, so Fembo just dialed in and took over.
She knows a fuck of a lot more about cryptography than she makes out... he said.
The BEST KOREAN MISSION
UE's glorious sponsors, BEST KOREA, have been suffering the effects of trade sanctions. The attempts to implement the doctrine of Juche (self reliance) have hit numerous problems.
Kim Jong Ill has thought long and hard about the decided to branch out into the profitable and influencial area of computer gaming, with the intention of fostering a huge gaming industry. Assange has been working hard on several upcoming releases, with the key titles including:
- A real time strategy game, DPRK-craft follows the development of the BEST KOREAN army as it defends
itself against the constant attacks of brutal diplomacy from the US, South Korea and Japan. Follow
tireless leader Kim Jong Un's lead as he secures power, fights for BEST justice, and definitely doesn't
lie about how powerful the strength of his nuclear weapons at all.
Tagline: 'Conquer the 38th parallel and beyond'.
- Kim-City 2000
- Kim City is a city development game, where the objective is to ensure self reliance around a constant
backdrop of UN Sanctions, trade embargos, foreign journalists taking awkward pictures, and your
workers regularly starving to death or dying of malnutrition.
Tagline: 'Your city. Kim's way.'
- Un-real tournament
- This fast-paced first person shooter is being given rave reviews in the beta testing. It's has a unique
feature and design that that adds an interesting balance to the game. The character Kim Jong Un can
simply 'wipe off' any attack, meaning that he is effectively immortal, while other players endlessly
spawn as malnourished Korean civilians. Both of these mechanics are true in real life. Each time he
needs to 'wipe off', say for example from a high velocity, high caliber sniper round directly to the
temple, it wastes time. His objectives are usually time based, such as deliving a torn up trade embargo
notice to the UN, so this adds to the fun.
Tagline: 'Un vs UN'
- Kim-Fighter 5
- The beat-em-up genre is given BEST Korea's attention with Kim-Fighter 5. Negotiations at the UN break down, and the imperialist dogs that are the US, Japan and South Korea attempt to trap our glorious leader. Thankfully, he invented every martial art ever and is able to fight his way out. Gamers have complained at the balance in this game, and it is currently undergoing testing. The Japanese character is a woman who just cries and has no offensive moves. The American character shits himself constantly, and the South Korean participant is in a wheelchair. Furthmore, any button press from Kim Jong Un instantly kills his opponent. However, The game developers also defend this as entirely factual and thus claim that the game is working as intended.
For those interested, unfortunately this wont be available to the general public, as these releases are only for Red Star OS, and thus won't work on your machines.