Following a re-adjustment on his gas meter and a subsequently larger than expected bill, Malcolm 'Thrust' Nunn returns with another invoiceable article. He brings you the facts you didn't know you needed to read since Tuesday.
With rumours abounding that Universal Exports have successfully funded and launched the Starship Premier Inn-terprise on Kickstarter, I attended an official Press Conference with UE representatives. This was at a secret location - the bus stop outside the GlaxoSmithKline animal testing laboratory at the Pinnacles, Elizabeth Way, Harlow, Essex CM19 5AW.
UE's 'Minority Exclusion' representative, Rocket, stated that he was pleased to announce the successful launch of the previously named Starship Premier Inn-terprise (now the 'Kim Jong-un I'):
As of yesterday morning the 'Kim Jong-un I' was launched successfully from the back of Ricktions
Kaengsaeng 68KA he announced to the press and passengers waiting on the number 56 to Epping via
Our brother, Leonard Henry, is to be rescued from his orbital isolation.
Joey 'no one remembers me' Deacon, of the Islamabad Gazette, asked if Mr Henry had been part of a secretive North Korean plot for global domination codenamed Goldeneye or GoldenBrowneye. He alleged also that Mr Henry had a texture like sun. Ricktion vehemently denied the allegation. He corrected my press colleague, continuing on to a rant about such issues as there being no 'North' Korea; only Best Korea. Apprently all the rest of the World are colonies simply waiting to be repatriated to their Mother country.
Ricktion finished off stating
the codename was Browneye, you imbecile. We would be litigated to Fuck if we
called it Goldeneye... That of course is assuming it existed. Which it doesn't
UE's Head of Baked Goods, MrP, interjected at this point, stating the orbital vehicle was in fact an aid to
global peace. It was searching for high yield flapjack concentrations deep inside the earths crust. To which
all UE members looked to the heavens murmuring
Kevin 'Jermaine' Edwards from the Worksop bi-monthly Herald asked if NASA was involved in this prestigious operation. HammerTime answered by launching into a tirade about how the Capitalist pigs of the Mafia state USA have been waging a propaganda war about their so called 'Lunar Landings'. He went on to say that UE were a reputable organisation dedicated to world peace, and through a global aid strategy known as 'The Flapjack Protocol' they would solve all problems ever.
Johnny 'the Master' Bates from Asian Babes asked what was next for UE.
Once we have recovered the package...
What package? Tracy Mitchell asked from No26 Wharley Hook Harlow.
At this point, Rocket was hastily pulled into a collective UE huddle, Shortly emerging smiling like a UKIP MP
I apologise but the Master Language does not translate into the mongrel-tongue you call ingleesh, he
I of course mean Mr Henry, once he is recovered we are off to play a game called 'Virus'. which is
definitely a game, and not a real thing.
Jenna 'Pornstar' Jameson of the Sunday Telegraph enquired as to the goals that were offered and achieved on the UE Starship Premier Inn-terprise Kickstarter campaign.
TweedyBan fielded this one, stating that Kelly Brook was ready and waiting to give all the backers their pledge reward. Jenna asked how, to which the response was that the Pledge manager would clarify any issues the backers may have.
Jenna persisted valiantly, and like a true pro needing her moneyshot, would not let it lie. She demanded that UE explain how the Stretch goals would be given to the backers. Reluctantly TweedyBan explained that all each backer had to do to get their pledge reward was travel to Pyongyang ask for an audience with his most Illustrious Emperor of mankind. Then they will get their 30 minutes alone with Miss Keily Brok.
Who? the crowd asked...
The famous Best Korean Actress Keily Brok of course Tweedy Replied.
Jenna pointed out that the Kickstarter campaign claimed Kelly Brook to be the celebrity. At this point
Tweedyban climbed up onto the bus shelter and started screaming:
Damn your Western Propaganda, we clearly
pointed out in the Risks and Challenges section that UE would not be held accountable to Google's
extremist CIA backed translator functionality of dubious origin!
With that, all UE members saluted and started to chant
All Hail the Master of mankind Emperor Ming Kim
Jong-un!, until the bus arrived, effectively ending the Press conference.
As the conference disintegrated, UE's head of RV's, Corky, passed me a scribbled note saying GET OUT OF THE MIDLANDS. WAR AND DISEASE ARE COMING. NORTH WILL FIGHT SOUTH. AND ALL OF THOSE FIGHTING WILL BE VIRGINS
Confused? Lets recap:
- UE hold a press conference at a bus station.
- Lenny Henry is trapped in space
- After googling, I would argue that Kelly Brook is preferable to Keily Brok
- Huge, unimaginable war is coming this weekend
- I really like Jenna Jameson
This reporter was unconvinced and vows to investigate this story until the truth emerges, or at least until the Harlow Roundabout festival begins tomorrow morning. But Right now I am going to offer Jenna a tour of Harlow's many attractions. With my cock.
I'm Malcolm 'Thrust' Nunn and that's why I drink.
Finding safe for work images of this lady is harder than you think.