Thrusting Events Made From Truth

Henry - Freedom

This week:

  • NASA reports an unidentified Satellite 'wandering' around Earths orbit
  • The Scientists at the Hadron Collider are getting irregular Pizza orders
  • Weasels riding woodpeckers at Britain's hottest Gay Dogging center, in Hornchurch Essex
  • UE representative arrested at Windsor Castle for obstructing her Majesty's Officials
  • George R.R.R.Arr.Ahh.R.R Martin still has not written the 35th volume of Game of Thrones
  • Greggs are running a 3 for 2 promotion on Sausage Rolls of dubious origin

Universal Exports ask you.. are these a series of unrelated incidents, or an elaborate plot to overthrow world governments in a bid for an over 40's scenario paintball league?

Your intrepid, marginally competent salad-dodger Malcolm 'Thrust' Nunn took a more in-depth look (via Wikipedia and Reddit) into these troubling events. His report follows:

When these reports came across my desk at the Wealdstone Echo I was immediately suspicious, especially when UE announced a second press conference in as many articles. This time at the Happy Eater just off the A5 near Dudley... Which is definitely no-where near any dogging sites. Besides, I'm not in to that so that's fine.

Due to the amount of people at the Happy Eater (Warhammer Fest was down the road) the conference was held in the baby changing facility.

Head of Lunches, Rocket, launched into a tirade to free the 'Windsor One' from being unfairly incarcerated by the Imperial Usurpers.

Then in response to the confused looks on the faces of the press, Rocket explained that he'd accidentally started the speech by reading page two of his briefing, and that he would start again.

A scouting mission had been launched for the ideal launch site for the Uber secret Starship Premier Inn-terprise, to rescue the orbitally stranded, red-nosed, Sir Lenny of Henry, who is second in line to the Best Korean Throne. He is currently still stuck aboard Project Brown Eye. During this mission HammerTime was assaulted by the war mongering British Army in a blatant snub to those who recognise the rightful Master of Mankind.

The Press conference was cut short when Edna Shipman from Canvey Island needed to use the facility because her little Johnny had shat himself.

I urgently contacted my colleague at the Windsor Fornightly Warbler three days later. He supplied me with an eyewitness account from an American Tourist. I have heavily edited this account slightly to make it more interesting, and vaguely comprehendible to the English speaking world.

Well, I saw one of those UE wackjobs just kinda standing there looking at his Tricorder doohicky an staring in the sky. He was muttering he had found the prime Lunch site or something. I tried telling him that he could not stand there; those scary ass Elite SAS dudes are going to stomp all over him.

I pointed at the soldiers marching double-time straight at him, declaring they are not going to go around him, but will stomp all over his sorry ass.

I know he saw them as he said 'The Imperialist scum cannot be allowed to interrupt the Emperors holy work'.

I thought he was a prize dumb ass and laughed when they stomped all over him. When they dragged his bleeding carcass to the dungeons, he asked me to ring his momma to say he was going to be late for his tea.

The plot, as they say, coagulates. But what is the connection, I here you ask? Let's recap:

  • UE hold a press conference near a dogging site, which doesn't matter cause I'm not into that
  • Rocket Rob made a speech about Lenny Henry trapped in space
  • A small child shat himself
  • Hammertime got beaten up by the British Army
  • The A5 has several secluded spots that I investigated.
  • Gonorrhoea is a bacterial infection that is treatable in a few days

Suffice to say, the connection isn't clear yet. However, in a future report this will be revealed. Currently I have an outstanding gas bill, and if I string this out into a two-parter, I can double up on the story and get one of the invoices in early. As soon as Murder She Wrote has finished, this hard charging, go-getting journo will not rest until we have the rest of those answers.

Also prescription antibiotic prices have gone up.

Nothing to see here