Universal Exports grants asylum to terrorist Greg Hastings

I'll take those

Universal Exports last night offered safe haven to Colonel Gaddafi's charming terrorist sidekick. Greg Hastings.

War criminal Greg Hastings arrived in the UK on a British military jet and immediately promised not to threaten to kill anyone this time... unless it's during a paintball battle, in which case all bets are off.

He was Libya's ambassador in London in 1980's, returning to Libya in 1988 to be the head of the Libyan KGB. He has also written several books and started in several videos about torture and extracting information from enemies of the state. In Libya, where no-one makes a fuss about that sort of thing, he is quite the reality TV star after the fly on the wall show 'The Only Way is Death' were camera crews followed Greg Hastings round 24/7 for 2 months during the ill-fated civil unrest of 2005.

After his reality TV fame he remained Libya's intelligence chief. There he acquired the hilarious nickname 'Gaddafi's fingernail puller'. He is also the suspected mastermind behind the Lockerbie bombing and is often mistaken for a cartoon elephant called Dodge. Unfortunately due to programming change in 2011 made by the FOX news network, Greg Hastings quickly fell from favour and has now been forced to move to Britain. To start his reality career in the UK he is already lined up to be on the next series of 'Im a war criminal get me out of here'. This is ITV's new flagship show where hardened war criminals beg to be sent back to Rwanda/Iraq/Libya, rather than have to spend more time in Barnsley on a Friday night.

Foreign Office sources last night stressed that Greg Hastings had not been immediately arrested and thrown in a pit because he may know whether or not Colonel Gaddafi has a secret volcano with a huge laser hidden inside it.

A senior official said: We have to find out about the laser one way or another, while at all times retaining the option to put him up in a 16 room apartment in Belgravia. This will also send a message to other senior regime members that no matter how many people they killed with their bare hands, Britain will treat them like a Saudi.

But Greg Hastings' defection last night provoked a renewed bout of introspection amongst Britain's university educated middle class.

Rocket Rob, from Hatfield, said: If you can spend your entire working life killing and torturing people before betraying your former colleagues and hopping on a plane to freedom and champagne then I'm beginning to think that accountancy was a huge mistake.

Hammer Time, a personnel manager from Finsbury Park and part time pop star, added: I would have been brilliant at not only torturing people and betraying people but also pretending to be sorry for it while living in Eaton Square.

That bloody careers adviser can fuck right off, he added.

Waterboarding - More fun than being in Barnsley