Once again, UE-KE-LEAKS has fought their way to the truth of the scenario paintball community, delivering a hard hitting report that has raised moderate to medium levels of interest to at least one person.
It's a well known and established fact that Gaz Jones of Sneaky Snorkels is pinning their paintball hopes on securing the support of as many UK-based terrorists as possible. However, the depths of their depravity have only been rumour, and now with the following essentially fictitious report you can find out facts of the highest internet quality.
The following items are now confirmed as fact by a guy from the Dog and Hammer who swears he's not that drunk:
- Sneaky Snorkels Paintball Team supported the release of Lockerbie bomber Abdelbasset Ali al-Megrahi.
- Sneaky Snorkels own internal polling shows the team has taken a 43-point lead over Universal Exports among terrorists, would-be terrorists, furious men with beards, and readers of the daily mail.
The polling results show that Gaz Jones, the northern General at this year's North v South big game, is favoured by terrorists on a range of key issues including education, the environment, support for small and medium sized enterprises, and letting them out of jail after eight years if they blow something up.
However Gaz Jones still trails Rocket Rob on the economy with most terrorists backing the Universal Exports leader's commitment to cuts in the price of paint.
Rocket Rob of UE, a would-be terrorist from the Midlands, said:
I am worried about future paint price rises, particularly as I am planning attend a lot of events this
year and if time allows blow stuff up, the Universal Exports commitment to put a cap on paint prices is
quite appealing, however I also agree with some of the Warped Paintball policies of introducing Sharia
law in schools and improvements to the national rail network.
In a further development, self-appointed paintball watchdog, OFFPAINT plans to offer generous compensation to anyone held without charge for more than 28 days.
This policy has already started to cause problems. People are claiming to be a terrorist just to get compensation, and enterprising paintballers are already getting up to speed with key Jihadist phrases. This will no doubt swell the ranks of the Terrorist faction as they cash in for the freebies. Several no-win no-paradise legal firms have sprung into action with taglines such as:
- Best legal practice you've ever Ji-Had
- Mecca Deals available here...
OFFPAINT are supposed to be a neutral arbitrator in paintball disputes, but by allowing this they are clearly favouring UE. This has further fueled conspiracy theorists that the paintball is corrupt and according to the Daily Mail, the so called freedom fighters are in fact just a bunch of benefit cheats.
Would-be fake maniac Ged Green, a shopfitter from Bassetts Pole, said:
I'm just going to wander into my
local police station and say, 'I think I might be a terrorist'. Then, at the stroke of midnight on the
29th day I'll say, 'actually, I don't think I'm a terrorist after all'. Ker-ching!
I'm sure some people will keep it going for the full 42 days, but I can only get four weeks off
work. Can I have the number for 'Jihad Injury Lawyers for you' please?.
Universal Exports Members are already surfing Jihadist websites and are currently planning to place two small Calor gas canisters in the back of the team Renault Trafic Van. Just as soon as they find the keys. And sort the clutch out.
Andy Stables, a civil engineer and noted bridge builder from Selby, said:
I'm going to get my neighbours
involved. I'll get them to say things like, 'he's been very angry about Palestine recently and seems to
have made a lot of strange new friends'. Friends who dress in Camo and 'play' milsim.
We'd really like to put in an extension to bridge at
YPC this year, so I reckon I'll need about 33 days.