Scenario Paintball Big Game Weekender's Exposed As Terrorist Training Camps

Average paintball player

News has been breaking over the last months of a various UK nationals deciding that they would prefer to leave the country and join ISIS. Many have left testimonals and statements of intent on youtube, explaining that they'd rather be shot in brutal Syrian desert than sit at home and have to watch another round of Will.I.Am's fucking face flapping during BBC's 'The Voice'.

When put it like that, it's not as crazy as it seems. However, following this trend, all sorts of groups have been investigated, including Scenario Paintball. Results of the first investigations are in.

It is portrayed as a haven for middle aged men having a mid-life crisis. However, it was claimed yesterday that beneath the idyllic, tree-lined surface, Scenario events are teeming with paint-balling gangs of would-be terrorists.

UE-KI-LEAKS in London heard how Jihadist recruiters set up a network of training camps from Wiltshire to the Lake District, disguised as paintball sites, offering fun days such as 'Team Building' and the now vastly more suspicious sounding 'Stag Do Paradise'.

Terrorism expert Dr Ricktion said: Most people thought they were just a semi-fun weekenders, but there was obviously something deeply sinister going on. They took their inspiration from the CIA who have been running Disney World since the mid-70s.

And Nando's. Don't you wonder why we all love it so much? It's simple... Chemtrails, he added slowly patting down the tinfoil on his hat.

Warped Paintball dismissed the claims and insisted it was looking forward to a busy summer season of proactive sporting activities with absolutely no religious overtones. Items on the Warped calendar including the traditional paintball, bike rides, non Haram watersports and anti-American volleyball competitions.

A company spokesman said: During the day you can spend all day in the safe zone trying to get your BT TM-15 to work, and in the evening you can relax with friends and talk about the infidel's occupation of Jerusalem in the pub next to the hotel.

The Premier Inn at Stafford is a known to be watering hole for recent terrorist recruits. The bar room chatter is often dominated by phrases such as:

  • Look at the choice on offer in our main restaurant and bar and give praise to Allah.
  • Vote Labour, Mr Brown supported the release of Lockerbie bomber, Abdelbasset Ali al-Megrahi
  • While this may look like an incredibly accurate and detailed recreation of the security area at Heathrow, it's actually the premier inn reception area.
  • The expenses scandal has really rocked my faith in politics. A caliphate is the only logical solution.

Current terrorist cells under observation from OFFPAINT include:

  • WolfTown
  • Bodycount
  • Fallen Brotherhood
  • Sneeky Snorkels
  • Diamond Dogs

When pressed for comment by UE-KI-LEAKS, several members of the UK Scenario got confused and assumed they were important, issuing statements:

Jim Warped, from Stoke, said: Death to America!

Gaz Jones, from the north, said: Death 't' America!

Nailist Ali al-Megrahi, from the womb of a Jackal said: Excellent in the style of Mr Burns.

Typical UK scenario players chronoing