UE, Germans and Extremists

Slash

The recent attacks in France have left several dead, many fearful, and fair-weather armchair activists banging on about all sorts of crap using arguments that even a 12 year old can pick holes in. The huge media commotion has been equalled by the increase in activity within the security services and other Government departments. Officials have been investigating and certain members of OFFPAINT and the wider paintball community have been fingered.

And not in the good way.

It appears that Islamic fundamentalism has attempted to infiltrate the top levels of OFFPAINT, with the initial aim of making make paintball games a no go area for women... even more so than it is now. Resident maths expert, Hammertime, explained that in the real world negative numbers are just a construct and effectively do not exist. If the number of women is already zero, then further subtraction is not possible.

The discovery also implied further laws being proposed. All players are soon to be made to follow to Sharia Law. A rigged vote saw OFFPAINT lay out these new guidelines, rules and legal requirements. They are to be enforced through the the paintball quango of UE. Originally a team, UE have been converted into a quango by the extremely rare process of a Quangoscopy, which is more painful than it sounds.

However, due to Rocket Rob's extreme dyslexia, the instructions signed off by OFFPAINT decreed that Slash Law be implemented instead of Sharia Law.

UE-KI-LEAKS are actually an independent un-quangoed quango separate from UE for tax related reasons. Intrepid kraut knicker sniffer, Charlie Two, has filed a report to them showing the issue in full.

Alledgedly, UE operatives have already begun preparing for action at this year's Armo-geddon Game. At recent training events they forced all players to read Kerrang magazine. Heavy rock/metal music was played constantly at an extremely high volume throughout the game zone.

Charlie Explains:

All throughout the games, the battle cry of 'Woah, sweet child of mine' was being shouted at every gun fight. All the paintball players have been forced to have beards, long hair and only wear black.

UE representatives stated that UK Scenario events are only open to metal music fans, and if they are not a fan they have to convert or go home. There has been a massive backlash from many middle-class players saying playing metal all day was like a writhing mass of private hell, terrifying hallucinations and permanent mental damage. Hammertime pointed out however, that this was no worse than the school run, and fundamentally better than a trip to Ikea.

When pressed about these revelations, Charlie Two explained:

The whole situation is bizarre from a German perspective. Having been to the old East Germany, I actually understand what 'censorship' means. I also have a pretty good understanding of what 'freedom of speech' means. I mean, I'm no philosophist, but when you read.. say books on history as opposed to the Daily Mail, you notice some pretty mental attitudes in people from the UK.

It's funny how you guys claim Je Suis Charlie. You attempt to ban Dapper Laughs, try to stop Page 3, stopped people protesting the Royal Wedding by arresting them illegally, refuse visas to people because you don't like what they say, have a libel law, and enthusiastically work with people who put dissenters and journalists in jail. 'Je Suis Charlie'? 'Je Suis Surrender' was all my grandad heard them ever say. But then again he was an extra on 'Allo 'Allo, so that probably doesn't count as a valid opinion.

And don't get me started on UE. They're in the process of banning all pictures of Muhammad, but as they are feasibly the most clueless people around, they're attempting to ban images of the boxer, Muhammad Ali, as well as the Nobel Prize winner Muhammad Yunus.

The word on the street is that Ricktion is on his way to fly a plane into the parliament building of Sweden, the Riksdag. Unfortunately he couldn't afford to get a plane, so he has driven there and plans to fly an Airfix model into it instead.

It's strange. UE are about as religious as Richard Dawkins, but my sources say there are other forces at work. The rumour is that BEST KOREA are simply paying them to cause trouble while they establish a foothold for future operations. MI5 and MI6 are distracted, and before you know it, you will all be getting government approved haircuts.

Watch this space. Or... you know... just continue claiming to like free speech while you systematically remove it. Fuck you guys. ICH BIN CHARLIE TWO, he continued before eating some bratwurst and voting for someone with a moustache.

ICH BIN CHARLIE TWO