Sony Pictures are still reeling from their recent hacking, but intrepid reporter, Malcom 'Thrust' Nunn has an alternative theory. Following 18 days of isolated Baileys and eggnog fueled binging, he has broken ranks from the general media and decided to leak facts about the situation. These facts are so factual that people producing this story have had to be inoculated against fact based sicknesses. Many journalists died in order to bring us Nunn's brutal truth payload of factuality. We reveal this fact moneyshot here:
The recent hack of Sony Pictures has left the world asking deep questions about censorship, terrorism and whether it's time to delete that 'special folder' that we all have somewhere on our PC. However, forensic computer experts have come to conclude that Universal Exports were responsible for carrying out the attack.
Initially a group of the BEST Korean Government, known as The RAM-Bastards, had been suspected. However, investigators were able to reliably locate them, pinning their exact location to be a pilates class in Kettering. Their computers were off, and the alibi was effectively water tight.
Universal Exports had been contracted by BEST Korea to plan and implement an attack on Sony. Malcom 'Thurst' Nunn has truth behind these goings on.
Our Glorious Leader, Kim Jong Un, commissioned UE to get elevator music for the now Premier Inn run Ryugyong Hotel. 'Miley Cyrus | Wrecking Ball' was the chosen as the target and UE's hacking fingers were primed.
However, it was soon that the mission was compromised.
Whilst inside the system, resident non-anonymous anonymous member, Ricktion, discovered a number of projects scheduled for either development or release. The information about the upcoming release of 'The Interview' was quickly leaked to BEST Korean officials, however; Kim Jong Un was also at a pilates session and wasn't really bothered.
Ricktion continued to trawl the upcoming and planned development, and eventually made a critical discovery. Sony had plans for a reboot "Hellboy", but rewritten as a gritty Northern dock-worker flick: 'Hullboy'.
UE read the script and saw some of the draft footage. Footage showed Sean Bean (the UK's generic 'north of the watford gap' actor) as the main protagonist, as well as a cameo appearance of John Prescott as the 1.989x1030 kg Sun. As well as the fake Yorkshire one from Seinfeld, even though she's putting it on and is about as Yorkshire as Sydney Harbour.
So far, so channel 5 re-run.
However, the film showed several scenes inside a pub that showed genuine Yorkshire prices of booze, food, and property. This is the main danger. If southerners realised that they could live for literally 50% of what they currently pay, they would all want start pushing for a revolution, and it is likely that the communist Dickensian dicking machine Russell Brand would win the general election.
The amount of prejudice is the UK is incredible, but to be honest, most of it is built on Daily Mail
bollocks, confusingly started Ricktion.
Most people don't actually believe what they say, but the
assorted prejudiced crap they say is just a therapeutic outlet for their low feelings of worth and
non-specific hate filled neuroses. If people actually realised that the cliche of 'things being cheap up
North' wasn't a lie, then this general hostility would very quickly become focused and we'd have Brand
in power. he managed to say, holding a straight face.
However, BEST Korean officials responded angrily to this, insisting that Russell Brand's hair is too radical for BEST Korean diplomacy, and to prevent a haircut-based nuclear holocaust, requested that UE disrupt all of Sony's film production capabilities.