Following the successful Paintugal 2014, CEP's basque wearing partial victor Andre Faria, is having huge trouble working out how to improve the event further.
This year's event was a complex field with multiple terrain types. It offered beautiful views of the local valleys, as well as excellent on-site refreshment.
Similarly, the evening's entertainment of bands and hard partying are a formidable event to try and top. However, legal events have accelerated Andre's plans, which UE-KI-LEAKS has found out.
The evening party had some of the most aggressive booze consumption I've ever seen said Andre.
currently I'm fighting multiple lawsuits at the same time following that most recent event.
The locals are suing me for having exposed their sons and daughters to people from around the world, many
of whom have job prospects and social experience. Several people in the 16-20 age group in Vila Pouca de
Aguiar now have made plans to travel, some even plan to go to University.
If the youth leave the Portuguese countryside, there will be a chronic shortage of people for the old to
judge harshly for no reason. It is theorised that without these scapegoats, the elderly will realise
that their failed lives and poor quality of living are mainly due to their own choices, not scruffy
kids. It is at this point many of them will stick their head in the oven.
Ironically, I have a second lawsuit from the local youth. Many of the local women have been exposed to
UE's chronic and animalistic sex appeal. The local ladies have been shown that surliness, exchanging
hostile looks over a beer, or knife fights at a half empty bar may not been the only traits and
interactions that a man can possess.
During Paintugal, several conversations occurred with local ladies that followed basic etiquette. They had
compliments paid to them, as well several of them were made to laugh (though not many). The local men
are suing Andre as many of the local women now have developed hopes of meeting a guy over 5 foot 7 who
does not think that an Onion Festival is 'gangster' or 'street'.
There also is a fairly self explanatory lawsuit from the bar-staff at the party. The two barmaids have
contracted severe repetitive strain injury from pouring 1.4 shots per hand, per second for over 5 hours.
I'm probably going to have to pay out for that one, as it's a fair cop.
Birthday boy Erik from Lima Bravo also is suing for false advertising, claiming that one of the barmaids
was showing so much sideboob that his old and underused balls literally exploded mid party. Ball
explosion is a rare condition where scrotal pressure is unable to be relieved, and subsequently the
entire sack shatters, spraying man-mayonnaise everywhere. Erik is claiming for some new Bryan Adam's
style pre-worn jeans and for some skype-based long distance loving with the sideboob.
However, Andre has a plan that aims to bring extreme revenues to next years Paintugal, by increasing numbers and efficiency allowing these lawsuits to be paid for. These include:
- Party venue to be upgraded to a coliseum style drinking pit where the young locals can pay to see people drink aggressively without becoming jealous and getting stabby
- Story teller's event, where locals can pay a premium to hear Reinier go on about the army all night. Again.
- Stocking enough drinks
- Troll zone, where Ricktion explains to confused waiters that chicken is not a fucking vegetable. Again.
- Replacing 'sexy' barmaids with 3 metre genetically engineered tits that will lactate unending amounts of beer.
- Having a paintball game of longer than 8 minutes
- Arranging local buses and taxis to transport local BIVs to the venue; this is called 'Operation Pregnancy'
Despite these lawsuits, Portuguese authorities are offering their support. The economy in Portugal has been taken out of recession twice in the last two years. These dates correspond exactly to when UE were drinking heavily. The Portuguese have suggested that some legal head space for this economic feature they are now referring to Quantitative Boozing.
Experimental economists are keen to push plans next year forward, with many brewers being set into accelerated production regime. The Portuguese are also in negotiations with Ann Summers, as well as taking applications for local girls to stand around and be slightly offended in a foreign language.