Universal Exports have made a stark discovery during scientific study by engaging in a particularly heavy and jaded drinking session. Following recent joking allegations about Fair Use policies within the paintball community, Universal Exports were sued for not breaking copyright.
Universal Export's one-pump father and resident Colonies representative, Jacko, was sent to investigate. He discovered a vast paintballing conspiracy somewhere between his ninth and fifteenth pint of Victoria Bitter. Or maybe it was in the Kebab house... He's not sure. But it's definitely true.
Somewhere around 2:30pm the next day, he explained the true depths of the discoveries over a full English breakfast.
Shortly after the Mayhem game I received a court summons. Initially I simply thought this was because I
was Australian. However, I read on and it turns out the internationally renown law firm MegaBastards LLC
were suing me.
They claim that while messing around at Mayhem, Universal Exports had a quick warm up between members. A 3
v 3 game. The marshalls didn't mind, and it was all above board... but this is exactly the
problem... he continued, looking both ravenous from, and yet also disgusted at his food.
Universal Exports held a paintball event where there was literally no copyright infringement, he
As you'd expect, I had no clue what was going on legally.. and not just cause I'm foreign. So I looked
into the various plaintiffs, the charges and who was bringing them. Sure enough... I was being sued by a
topshot lawyer from MegaBastards LLC called Mr An Onymous.
I did the only thing that a drunk person could do: go undercover. I broke into the MegaBastards LLC
headquarters in Rhyll and investigated. At least I think I did. Either way - sure enough.. I found the
source of the problem.
I couldn't believe it; it turns out that Mr Onymous isn't a real person, but a cover for an established
member of the paintball community. MegaBastards LLC have been aggressively avoiding tax over the last
years and their main technique involves a complex internal recursive invoicing system.
Mr Onymous has been suing himself, and creaming off part of the tax avoidance and dividends. That's right
- he has literally been suing himself into a healthy income.
At this point Jacko excused himself to the toilets where a combination of painful shitting sounds and vomiting was overheard for approximately fifteen minutes. Upon his return he continued:
That's why every single event in Paintball is so woefully obviously a franchise rip off. Initially I just
thought they were lazy, with no imagination or regard for the law, but no I was wrong; in fact they are
legal super geniuses. Yup - definitely geniuses, not unimaginative.
I later found out that the lawyers had actually already attempted to summon Rocket, BOSFA and Ricktion.
Rocket pretend to be BNP arseface Nick Griffin, successfully fooling them. BOSFA hid in a badger set,
while Ricktion took the drastic step of literally uploading himself to the internet.
I guess I fell for the oldest trick in the book: opening your mail, he addmitted.
I'm going to fight them though!, he proclaimed before having a dizzy spell and slowly sipping more
In order to pay for his legal fees, Jacko has decided to play them at their own game and launch several rival copyright theft scams. To help him out, UE have assembled a comprehensive list of possible copyright violation based scenario games:
- FACT: All scenarios are the same, one dimensional games about movies or war
- FACT: Familiar concepts make paintballers happy
- FACT: Mashups are easy to do
- Old Habits Die Hard
- Mobster Vince LaRocca is up for parole and released from prison. He seeks revenge for being locked away for the last 25 years. In prison he has heard news that his estranged half-brother, Hans Gruber, was killed years before. The estrangement was his fault, so to make things right he plans revenge for Hans' Death as well.
- Dolores is working with under privileged teens, when she over hears a gang member mention that Vince is released, she panics and calls the police, worried she may be targeted.
- No one is willing to help her, as she is not American... except one person. Enter John MaClane. MaClane listens to her story and believes he can help her, but is convinced the best way to catch Vince is to use her as bait, he persuades her to dress as a Nun one last time.
- Generic paintballer as – Whoopi Goldberg
- Generic paintballer as – Bruce Willis
- Generic paintballer as – Harvey Kietel
- Generic paintballer as – Maggie Smith the Revenged Mother
- Other ideas include:
- One Flew over the Top Gun – Tom Cruise in a mental institution disguised as the Scientology Annual general meeting
- Transformers and the edge of reason – Bridget jones and that bloke from Kings Speech buy a dildo that can change into a sentient Nokia 3210
- Enemy at the gates of Mordor – Jude Law gets thrown in lava
- The adventures of Pricilla, Queen of the Dammed, Vampire drag queens - basically a standard night out in Barnsley
- Taylor and the magic Dildo – a Biopic about Singer Songwriter Taylor Swift and her rise to fame after accidently swapping dildos at a private party with Miley Cyrus. She is cursed with good looks and outrageous talent, but cant keep a man due to the addictive power of her secret magic item...
- Miley and Taylor - A road movie where two young girls discover ... Ah who cares its got Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift in various states of undress kissing and touching each other.
- Where Paintballers Dare – a group of middle aged men play army during the day and fall asleep in nightclubs surrounded by miniskirt crop top wearing female fitness students at night (true story scenario game).
- Planet Battlefield Earth – Aging 80's New Romantics duke it out with an army of 10 Foot Tall MDF John Travolta's for ownership of the Planet
- Life on Mars – all the credible earthlings congregate and act extremely dull. They invent the game 'Paintball'. Their wives still leave them.
- When Dirty Harry met Salvador Dahli the Uncut edition - Guns, Girls, Existentialism!
- Debbie Mcgee does the Dallas Cowboys for local STD charities
- Strictly X-Factor on Ice starring Peter Kaye ... oh wait
- Schindlers bucket List – too soon ?
- The Duchess of Cambridge stars in QILF WARS
- Das Muddy Boot - German U-Boats storm Glastonbury
- Das Football Boot - the little know story of U-Boat U71 that sunk 7 Brazilian ships in 63 minutes for the loss of only 1 crewman
- Star Cold Wars – in this epic clash of B-List celebs and their attempts to sell poor quality frozen goods to the Sun readers
- Ice Cold in Alicia – A top shelf comic production featuring Mr Freeze pumping Bat Girl (over 18's game)
- Harry Potter and the Last Jihadist Crusade – Harry works his magic and defeats the entire ISIS movement by letting them have his annoying know-it-all but exceedingly attractive best friends Girlfriend. Contains the classic scene: 'she is a virgin, honest'
- Lenny Henry in Steve McQueen's Slave to the Rhythm – a Disco Epic depicting how difficult it is being a director of the same name as a famous white actor 'I thought you were dead and not so black'
Despite the heroic efforts of copyright attack, it has been revealed that Universal Exports might still have problems. The website universal-exports-pb.com use of copyrighted material has already been shown to fall under the remit of Fair Use as discussed before, so Jacko may still have problems suing himself.
Forum stalker and paintball 'sideline participant' Naillist was cited as a valid reference to this end, agreeing that UE are a satire site.
I love the site, not just because I should get out more, but because it's a laugh a minute. Mind you, I'm
a speed reader and I got through the whole fucking thing in 94 seconds.
It's a good chuckle (singular), he continued.