Universal Soldier Exports

The law

Following the recent Mayhem Pacific game, Universal Exports have decided that there are vastly better things to do at a paintball event than actually play paintball. The Mayhem Pacific game, which was neither mayhem nor near the Pacific, really gave UE food for thought. Mainly thoughts based around the fact that they could be eating roast food in a warm pub, instead of running around in a field.

Before the game had started, it quickly became apparent that much of the team would rather be sleeping. To this end, the nubile researchers at CERN have been reassigned, having previously been working on Project Gluten-Free Flapjack, Operation Quinoa, Project Guacamole, The Falafel Project, Project Balsamic, Project Vol-au-vent, The Philadelphia Project and Project Tofu). This ever evolving and definitely valuable set of research objectives has now been moved to the acquisition of the new cybernetically enhanced organisms.

Ricktion, who is still stuck with the nubile CERN research interns 'for scientific reasons', began working on the project almost immediately.

Following a solid evening of lazily googling movie plots, Ricktion quickly delivered the concept of a new branch of UE: those that would form the pinnacle of any fighting force within an army. An army of highly evolved, enhanced and trained killers, named Universal Soldier Exports.

In order to evade customs and sneak in the required neural serum, these augmented soldiers were renamed to be UnisLOLdiers, with the added bonus that this article is now obviously satire, not Copywrite theft. It categorically falls under the 'Fair Use' policies designed specifically for satire, parody. This 'Fair use' is one of the traditional safety valves intended to balance the public's interest in open access with the property interests of copyright holders. This is precidented within the US in Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, 510 U.S. 569 (1994).

Unlike say, blatantly calling a game Staargate. Which doesn't.

These UnisLOLdiers were primed, readied and sent to a training exercise near Gibraltar, just like in the Living Daylights. However. Due to a classic Universal Exports error, instead of their dose of neural serum, they were injected with ultra high power aphrodisiacs. A faulty sat-nav system has resulted in them being stuck on the Retford ringroad trying to leave to the A1/A57 roundabout.

It has been estimated that there have been over 350 pregnancies since lunch.

There have been numerous explanations as to the latest dual error, and a number of explanations have been floated:

  • Aliens
  • UE can't organise a piss up in a brewery
  • Retford girls love it (benefits), and they conspired to make this happen

Despite these credible theories, current most popular is as follows:

There have been numerous data errors on the Brown Eye satelite since Lenny Henry was unfortunately launched into orbit by accident. Data connection quality has been severely restricted recently as Lenny has taken to downloading the Sex and the City box sets in order to keep himself entertained.

BEST Korea have lost patience with the Starship Premier-Innterprise and sent up their own Kringon Batturr Cluiserr. They are attempting to dock with Brown Eye. Once successful, the fat annoying bloke from the Plus Net adverts will attempt to reset the router.

Another uneventful day in the EU reserch team.

Just as horrible as you remember