There has been a worrying turn of events inside Universal Exports' research facilities. The fact-hunting band of moderately overweight internet griefers is based within the Large Hadron collider. The collider, which is also the claimed home of floppy haired manc pop failure Brian Cox, has been staffed entirely by dedicated and highly qualified interns. All of whom are female.
These attractive interns have been researching paintball based facts for over 18 months now, with the only project unrelated to paintball being the rescue of Lenny Henry. Henry remains stuck in a high earth orbit with Premier Inn still failing to rescue him following a tragic misfire of the Brown Eye satellite.
These operations are an ongoing and dynamic affair. The pertly-breasted interns have released several reports as their remit has developed. These have included the Operation Quinoa (previously known as Project Guacamole, The Falafel Project, Project Balsamic, Project Vol-au-vent, The Philadelphia Project and Project Tofu). The research is now referred to as Project Gluten-Free Flapjack. However, their dedicated and relentless attitude to extreme factual discovery has resulted in a major new scientific calamity.
These interns, all of whom have firm buttocks and young supple skin, have discovered a technology called factual osmosis. An as yet un-named intern, called Sarah, carried out the intial testing of factual osmotic absorption. Using some local documentation she realised she could absorb the facts, and ultimately, the entire life force of a subject by using Universal Exports' now patented 'Take it bitch, take it right in the brain' technology.
Sarah, who has deep, shimmering eyes that make the average person lose the ability to think straight, found whatever was lying around the lab. Universal Exports has a fully stocked library of Bravissimo and La Senza catalogues (for personal use), as well as a Next catalogues (but with all the men torn out and burnt). Quickly she adapted to this new material and began exhibiting new behaviour including:
- Wearing only revealing, expensive underwear
- Pretty much only wearing aforementioned underwear
- Pulling a duckface and looking into the middle distance
- Advanced self-shaving skills
- Holding a pose for about 20-30 seconds, then changing into a variation of the same underwear and doing exactly the same again
While this interrupted her study, this was an considered an entirely positive outcome by the research team. Tragedy was close however. Sarah, who you definitely don't get many of to the pound, began becoming addicted to the absorption process. UE experimented by feeding her more intellectual and enriching source material, such as slightly sticky copies of Razzle and Readers' Wives. You know.. for science and stuff. This further improved the situation on-site, but soon calamity struck.
Sarah, who's supple thighs look like she could bounce for a good half an hour before complaining, accidentally walked into Hammertime's underground man cave. This nuclear and normally woman-safe bunker had been left open after a Pizza delivery had gone awry. Hammertime had been stuck outside counting the exact number of olives on his pizza in order to secure money off on the next order before heading out.
The damage was almost instantaneous. Sarah, who looks like she'd let you do anything and still smile sweetly during it, began to absorb the closest items to her. These were unfortunately Codex: Tyranids from the Warhammer 40,000 franchise, and the films Akira and The Thing. The damage was done.
Almost instantly she began harvesting flesh, hunting the biological facts out of every single genome she was near. Fortunately for Universal Exports, Terry Nutkins was hosting a nearby Otter Appreciation evening, despite being dead. BOSFA had demanded that the entire team attend, as he had long desired otter intimacy. By pure coincidence, this was at the exact same as the accident and the team survived.
The remaining, highly sexualised members of the research team were absorbed by the factual-biomass absorption flesh-gollum that Sarah's initially cute and nubile body had become. This was a brutal situation. If she could not be contained, the Sarah-Norris thing would surely devour the whole world. Even Rhyl.
It was only quick thinking by theoretical internet-scientist and fact specialist Ricktion that has saved the world thus far.
The theory was simple: by creating specially crafted paintballs filled with anti-facts, UE should be able to utilise the fact/antifact relationship of matter. Every good theoretical physicist and internet blogger knows that facts and antifacts will annihilate on contact, releasing a huge amount of energy. This can manifest itself in a number of ways, such as radiation, heat, or a general lingering feeling like you've left the back door unlocked.
Sourcing the vast amounts of antifacts required to negate this huge blob of a being was a formidable task. No longer was she the wonderfully coy, yet invigoratingly bubbly person. This solution required huge amounts of lies and fabrications of the highest order. The answer was obvious: Paul D'acre, head extreme-bullshitter from the Daily Mail was drafted in to fill each individual paintball with an antifact. These would then be fired through a ramping Geo3 directly into her no-longer tantalising body until the reactions brought her back down to her usual size.
All was going to plan; however, in typical UE style a major administrative error had resulted in Ricktion's card being declined when purchasing a Geo3. Furthermore Rocket Rob, who's only job was to secure Paul D'acre, got confused and had booked in Paul Daniels instead. Now left with only a short fat quasi-comedy magician and a Tippman A5 with a faulty e-trigger, Ricktion was last seen manually feeding paintballs that were primed with shit 80's magic in a desperate attempt to save humanity.
The vault has been sealed for several days now. Ricktion has radioed in several updates - progress is slow but promising. Should this tactic fail though, there may be a need for Brown Eye to nuke the area from space. This can occur as soon as Lenny Henry is rescued, as Premier Inn currently have a futon blocking the trigger mechanism. There are conspiracy theories abound as to why Ricktion is currently locked in a vault with what could be multiple, completely alive, sexually adventurous and impressionable interns. These are unlikely to be true, because he is a man of integrity. Internet integrity.
And THAT, your honour, is why Ricktion has arrears on his council tax.