Our intrepid undercover reporter Malcolm 'Thrust' Nunn has unearthed some shocking news on those hard-charging agents of lethargy 'Universal Exports'. The following is another one of his exceptionally well researched factoid deliveries. Here is his report in it's full so-called glory:
Following a moderate afternoon drinking session with a guy I'd met called 'Stabby Phil', I was given a tip off to a shock conference called by UE's head of Lunches 'Rocket'. This was located in the prestigious in the Happy Eater car park, just off the A428 Junction 27b. Here, Rocket announced that their current sponsorship deals with HMRC, WWE and Pukka Pies have been terminated. Rocket explained to the reporter of the Wealdstone Metro:
We just were not getting enough free stuff, it was a unanimous decision. Well, almost he yelled.
It was at this point a very upset and somewhat bruised looking Big D was whisked away in UE branded Kaengsaeng 88.
During the photoshoot all members were seen sporting exactly the same short haircut. Using my journalistic integrity, I felt I needed to establish some facts about this. So! Why the matching haircuts?
BOSFA, UE's Secretary of Best Korean Linguistics replied that:
They are very fashionable and the rightful Master of Mankind made it mandatory as part of the new
sponsorship deals we have secured with Taedonggang Brewery Company, Korea General Chemicals and Foreign
Trade Bank of the Democratic People's Republic of BEST Korea.
All UE members then proceeded to applaud so enthusiastically that their hands bled.
This sounded entirely plausible. I pushed further, asking why they now wore the North Korean Flag on their shoulder, instead of the traditional Union Jack:
BOSFA very firmly continued,
Current history books have been doctored by the western 'and all the rest'
world to reduce Best Koreas glorious past into a very minor footnote on page 376. It turns out that the
UK is in fact part of the European Province of the Peoples Republic of Korea. But the decadent
Proto-Human Neo-American Mafia have changed history in one massive cover up, which UE as defenders of
the free press aim to put right.
Head Internet Truth Seeker Ricktion could be heard muttering
I have found it... I have finally found the
They then tried to edit my notebook and restrict my internet access, saying it was for the good of the people as the internet was full of anti Best Korean Truth filling the citizens with lies about the true ruler of Mankind Kim Jong-un. However, when they went to do this, we quickly discovered that my laptop had already been set up as part of a CIA surveillance. After taking multiple webcam shots of the new BEST Korean team UE, it locked my screen, and began emailing Obama the images, as well as my web browser history.
I am unsure of who needs to escape the country more.
Whatever the answer to that question, this reporter is beginning to suspect that UE are no longer the happy go lucky, smack mouth Paintballers they paint themselves as but clinical corporate political sellouts and are working either under the control of the North Best Korean Government.
Or it could be Shoreline. I'm not sure.
Watch this space as this pseudo independent reporter gives you the stories you don't need to read.
I'm Malcolm 'Thrust' Nunn and that's why I drink!