The age at which it is socially acceptable to play paintball raised to 45

No more excuses

The social stigma regarding playing paintball into middle age has been officially lifted, with the new threshold being set at 45; up until now it had been deemed unacceptable to play beyond 30. Normally at this point most people's pathetically faux-gentrified lives mean they stop doing any sport altogether. When those people do continue with sport it is usually to feel self righteous or encourage crippling feelings of inadequacy in others. Research shows that they only perform a few self-conscious laps in the swimming pool in order to brag at soul destroying aspirational dinner parties.

UE-KI-LEEKS's amateur-professional experts can exclusively reveal that OFFPAINT are planning a legislation change which will effectively make 45 the new 30.

This will open the doors to the many mid-life crisis paintball players to continue into their 'autumn years'. While this may be a relief to some of the more physically fit players, many are now coming to the terms that their 'autumn' is in fact more of a north Norwegian winter of titanic ritual self abuse and overfeeding.

For others there are other issues. Old players who would normally be socially banned from paintball fields are now sat at the back of gameplay areas, doing ridiculously optimistic long-balling and reminiscing about 80's TV shows. UE-KI-LEEKS researchers (who are definitely not old and being self referencial here) have discovered that many of these paintballers consider having Knight Rider LED's on your marker and adding a microphone mod that makes it talk to you in a camp voice is bang on trend.

A teenager, who looked like he'd escaped from Logan's Run, pointed out that the LUX marker also does this as standard. He also explained that old people cannot understand how they work, and can only just operate the VHS video player in the front room.

It has been also pointed out that oldies must also learn to call the game zone a 'map' as all paintball fields are now based on Call Of Duty. This has caused outrage as people over 30 really, really don't like change. Or learning.

Head Internet Truth Seeker, Ricktion confirmed the truth in the analogy:

In this game, you continually get base raped by a 12 year old who has been brought up on aggressive military tactics from Xbox games. He is younger, fitter, faster and generally has better prospects than you. This is exactly like the internet. Basically - you need to deal with it. If you want to paintball (read as: escape from your Really Awful Home Lives) you're going to have to raise your game. All the legislation, HR and softly, softly management approaches we deal with every day at work has made us weak.

That, and a whole life of eating too many cakes. He continued.

UE-KI-LEEKS's also can reveal that a new woodsball league, like UWL, will be launched for the over 30's only. The 'All The Gear, No Idea Woodsball League' (ATGNIWL). Shoreline paintball have kindly taken on the responsibility to run the new league and only raised the entry fees by 700% to cover the extra running costs of having to listen to old people's droopy faces flap moaning sounds at them.

Facebook liker, Tim Barnet, had the following statement fabricated about him:

Older paintball players are much better to work with, they tend to have larger wallets and use more paint. Instead of getting in the fight they usually stay at the back longballing. This uses loads of paint and generally means ruining the game play for the younger players, who tend to bring their own food and be more fiscally reserved. This fits perfectly with the shoreline way, and we also get away with charging punter prices too so it's a win-win for all... both me and my bank manager.

UE-KI-LEEKS' also can reveal interesting aspects of the play style in the ATGNIWL league.

An unforeseen benefit of 'Autumn Paintballers' being allowed to play in the woods is that they tend to be a bit grumpy and want to be left alone. Being left alone for five fucking minutes is now an impossibility mainly due to confusing modern technology, all of which has small buttons and is too fiddly.

These paintballers can now go to the woods for some piece and quiet. In fact, many are relishing the prospect. Going to the back-of-beyond with limited mobile phone coverage is very appealing to some. Annoying bastards such as work colleagues, bosses, spouses and the child maintenance lawyers will struggle to be constantly pestering you, thanks to electronic things not working in the countryside.

Self-appointed 'Professor' Rocket of Universal Exports adds:

Advances in technology are all about connecting people. Specifically, connecting you with people you'd rather avoid. If you have a computer there are now 5,695,593 separate means by which people can badger you. They could be a colleague hassling you about work, a stranger offering penis pills or an annoying relative who lives in New Zealand and goes on Skype just to wave frantically and say 'hiyaaaa' like an imbecile. Of course you could turn your computer off but then within five minutes they'll all be round your house, having assumed that you'd choked to death. Ironically this is, of course, what those people make you want to do.

Why can't they invent some software that makes people fuck off?

Last year, Ricktion and I collaborated on a project. We spent the winter in a strip bar in Guam surrounded by underage hookers and developed a new piece of software that mimics my online presence. Surprisingly it is quite easy to make people think you are alive by just updating your Facebook status with total rubbish. The system looks at the BBC news website, picks the most read story of the day. It then adds a link to Facebook on your status and randomly selects one of the following phrases to go with it:

  • I hate people who lie
  • I hate politics
  • Why do people have to do this
  • Just finished feeding the cat, now off to watch ColdPlay
  • The world is a mess and I hate ColdPlay

I've used the system heavily for over a year and nobody has noticed I'm actually dead! he added, from beyond the grave.

This has meant I no longer need to get in the woods and pretend I am in the army, just for some respite from my living nightmare. I can now spend my days doing worthwhile stuff like going for a walk in the park, or continuing to lie in my grave - rather than telling the world 'It's OK I'm still here living a very dull life. Follow me on twitter' he added, still dead but noticeably happier than all of us.

It is anticipated that there will be entire games where people just wander off alone and empty several boxes of paint into a tree, then curl up in a ball and cry themselves through an afternoon nap.

Final success