Germans causing a faff again

Stolen knickers

Shocking events have unfolded as a Scenario Paintballer went mad with rage at not being taken seriously. He has taken matters into his own hands by causing and 'incident' at the Large Hadron Collider.

Charlie II, a strangely dressed 'young' man, says that he has emerged from the Stargate in Wakefield following advanced experimentation with Einstein's unified field theory. He claims to have travelled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the world.

The would-be saboteur was arrested today at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, wearing a thoroughly sniffed set of lady's knickers on his head, screaming through a hole in the crotch that he was from the future.

The LHC Successfully collided particles at record force earlier this week, a scientific milestone vital toward the operation of Operation Quinoa (previously known as The Falafel Project, Project Balsamic, Project Vol-au-vent, The Philadelphia Project and Project Tofu).

Mr Charles II, a strangely dressed young man with thoroughly sniffed knickers on his head, was attempting to disrupt by stopping supplies of Flap Jacks & Lucozade reaching the experiment's vending machines. He was also using Tampons hung from his ears like weird ear rings.

During his arrest, he claimed responsibility for the administrative mistake that caused BEST KOREA to send Lenny Henry into space. This claim was quickly rubbished, as he does not have the BEST HAIRCUT of BEST KOREA and thus would not be able to gain access to the launch facility.

Mr Charles II, a strangely dressed young man with thoroughly sniffed knickers on his head and weird tampon ear rings, was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted him rooting around in bins. He explained that he was looking for fuel for his 'time machine power unit' - a device that resembled a Tippman A5 mounted on an old VHS player.

Police said Mr Charles, a strangely dressed young man thoroughly sniffed knickers on his head and weird tampon ear rings, was also wearing a Tack-Vest full of paint with a matching bow tie and rather too much camo for his age.

He would not reveal his country of origin. Countries do not exist ver I am from; I am from Planet Shoreline formally known as ze Earth. Existence is free, with air ze only thing you have to pay for. Zis is charged on a molecule by molecule basis. Air is produced by numerous vendors in the known galaxy, despite zis, you must pay a fee to Shoreline for every breath taken.

The discovery of the Higgs Boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening.

This isn't the first time that time-travel has been blamed for mishaps at the LHC. Last year, the PaintBall Completist and Japanese physicist Kiobiashi 'Nailist' Maru and Dutch cheesestring-theory pioneers Lima Bravo spent several weeks locked in a student halls of residence, with nothing but pizza, 'special tobacco' and 483 pornographic DVDs. Following this extensive research, Lima Bravo veteran Reinier Pol emerged red eyed, with a hugely developed right arm and a withered and paralysed left arm.

He described the Higgs boson as 'groovy'. Asked why he had no evidence other than several cubic meters of sticky tissues, he explained that the boson had somehow caused a ripple in time preventing its own discovery. He was also clear that we should not go inside until he'd cleaned up.

Mr Charles was taken to a secure mental health facility in Drakelow but later disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled, but not that bothered... They claim that crazy Germans have never caused problems before.

Knickers enthusiast Matt F-M has begun a comprehensive search in an attempt to find the source of his headgear 'for personal reasons'.

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