Over the last few years, Warped Paintball have been slowly building up the North Vs South game, increasing festival size, booze drunk and BIV concentrations. Thousands of people have enjoyed some pretty good paintball, with plenty of beer and rare but definite female contact and social interaction. The general public have warmed to this event, but as per usual in the Paintball community there have been stirrings of discontent.
You may ask: What's their fucking problem?
Last year UE's Head Internet Truth Seeker, Ricktion, was general for the Invasion game. Within this game there were teams from beyond the UK Scenario and P8baller scene - some of whom had their own friends, jobs and even girlfriends. Well organised teams, including the basque wearing CEP, and the dutch anal-lighter brigade Limp Bravo, all attended. There were also some nondescript Vikings whose country we weren't sure of, who claimed to be able to withstand a facial nuclear strike. Either way - we just were hoping they didn't take control of York again.
This all meant that the clique of paintballers were completely out of their depth. The usual stock drivel of conversation items typically inflicted on people was simply not relevant. Conversations about the quality of paint, Shoreline conspiracies, shit in-jokes that no-one gets, and other coma inducing items were not valid. This left entire sections of the paintball community staring at the horror of their social life failures. The normal people had a few beers, chatted amongst themselves (including to women), and didn't once include their UK Scenario Post count as a mark of credibility.
UK Scenario players have reacted with a boycott, explaining that anyone who cannot either name 8 factions within Warhammer 40k or has had over 85 seconds of female contact is not welcome within the paintball community.
This enraged Head Internet Truth Seeker Ricktion. Over the last 12 months he has arranged the largest Paintball festival in the UK to rival North Vs South.
In fact, 'rival' is a ridiculous understatement... The event will be galaxy wide and will crush all other paintball events - financially, socially and sexually. A leaked press release goes as follows:
UE launch Scutum-Centaratus Vs Persues Pan Galactic Paintball Competition
UE launches pan galactic game taking in the whole galaxy.. pitting the galactic quadrants mainly
encompassed in the Scutum-Centaratus and Persues Pan spiral arms against each other.
The plot is as follows:
It is the far future. The Hate-Nexus-Mail army, the unyielding hordes are sweeping across the galaxy. They
are led by the semi immortal re-animated avatar of lucifer, Paul D'acre. Paul D'acre, editor of the
Daily Mail paper has made it his mission is rid the galaxy of all foreigners, but specifically galactic
In the future, the only option for humanitarian organisations to actually be able to make a difference
against multi-national corporation owned governments was to raise armies to defend their charitable
interests. While the Earth and several other planets were lost to the ironically named Tesco Liberation
army, eventually an alliance of NGO's came together to form 'Amnesty Peace'. Amnesty Peace currently
command an army that is equal in scale and measure to those of the Hate-Nexus-Mail army.
The irony of a peace charity owning 74,000 planet smasher missiles is not lost on us.
Teams are to be led by the faction leaders: Cthulu and The Borg Queen.
Cthulu enthusiastically pointed out
I'm honoured to lead this 100,000 light year game. It's a great
privilege to fight alongside such a great team. Go team D'acre!
I just hope I'm able to be as intimidating as Paul D'acre.. it's a hell of a challenge to get in to that
evil a character. he added, before setting fire to the sky and eating several thousand worshippers.
The Borg Queen butted in
Haha! Don't worry - it's tough for me. We accidentally assimilated an Oxfam
street activist once. It nearly took down the whole Borg collective.
Other items on the press release included:
- Many teams of multi solar system teams already confirmed, including Xenomorphs, Necrons, Clingons, as well as more evil ones like the Portuguese and My Little Pony.
- Entertainment includes bands, however due to a booking error you will need a Babelfish as they play in frequencies many Khz above human hearing.
- Death Star rides (fully operational)
- Tour of Babylon 5
- Free camping onboard the Nostromo and the Event Horizon
- BIVs from the planet Flange will be attending
- Official strip show will be by Nora's Bangers, from Rhyl (guest appearance by 3 breasted lady from Total Recall)
- £3.00 a pint.
Only a 30,000 light year warp-jump back into battle.
In his house at R'lyeh, dead D'acre waits dreaming.