Warped Paintball's latest venture into alternative markets

Jim from Warped - rest in batter

Universal Exports' investigative press core is proud reveal yet another world exclusive. Our crack team of 'reporters' went not very deep under cover at one of the Warped Installations and were able to fabricate the latest Warped corporate strategy and publish it for you all!

During the hell storm of Tax Evasionists at Swarm 5, the official 'Lords of the Bitcoin' UE stumbled on a narcotic plantation just off the M54. We can reveal that Warped is intent on becoming another of the mega corporations (like Microsoft, Coca-Cola, WalMart, RSPCA or SPECTRE).

The latest phase in their strategy is an expansion into new emerging markets; specifically, the large scale application of horticulture for fuelling recreational pursuits.

Unfortunately for Warped, Phase 1 has not gone quite to plan as it we can reveal that a minor administrative error meant that instead of Poppies, Daffodils have been planted. These have literally no opiate uses. Upon realising the error, Jim from Warped was so gutted he actually deep fried himself to death (a traditional Scottish suicide). All is not a lost though, as the boffins at Warped HQ believe they can turn this latest mishap to their advantage, and with minimal effort.

They are confident they will be able to paint the Daffodils into second rate replicas of the flower of choice for those cheese loving tulip Vikings, Limp Bravo

Our reporter's effort didn't stop there, and we are also able to reveal the next phase in Warped plans for global domination. Believe it or not the next phase is the establishment of their own army. We have it on authoritative authority (almost guaranteed to be authoritatively true, and entirely constructed of UE grade authoritative facts) that their first objective is the invasion of Slough.

Slough was discovered to the Nexus of world power recently by UE's resident ball injecting drug czar, Corky. To make things worse, the international recruiting process has already begun. In fact readers may already have seen the covert adverts to this so called 'Army of North vs South'.

Worry not readers, Universal Exports is already on the case, having looked at several threads on the internet before moving back to 4chan and sending paintball related dyslexic spam to each other as part of their dedicated mission to waste their employer's money. Rumour has it that are preparing to send our biggest force yet to meet this new world threat. However, this could also just be a misunderstanding based around a spelling mistake, as understanding Rocket's emails makes cracking the enigma code look like two brain dead hamsters playing top trumps.

Holland at rush hour