Renegade reporter Malcolm 'Thrust' Nunn has offered the following report to UE.
Warning: This Report is entirely factual (1) and may shock those of a sensible disposition. It is the result of several minutes of painstaking undercover investigation and hard hitting made up interviews. This report has been delivered anonymously; It is in no way affiliated with Universal Exports nor is the reporter an alias of the ginger, bald UE member with an affinity for 80's pop/hiphop. Read and be illuminated... You literally can't touch this!
Tensions have been building between the ultra extremist dope-chilling Limp Bravo and the elite fanatic life-failures Universal Exports. In a scene reminiscent of Arch-Duke Ferdinand's assassination, it began with the innocent question 'Where's my Lighter bro?'. Pants were dropped, things were said (some in English) and there was reported 'running' in the rain!
It has been established that retribution and vengeance will be sought after at North v South Invasion, with extreme anal flaming being the main method employed. Paint is sure to fly, as both teams will be wearing dark colours and trying to look less like middle aged men playing army, and more like romance-ninjas hanging around the local dogging site.
The fight is set to be a classic; picture any of 'The rumble in the Jungle', Hagler v Hearns, Best Korea v South Korea, Leeds v ... well anyone really, Morecombe v Wise. This is set to be king of all grudge matches. Interest in the fight has already spreading like wildfire, with a mildly provocative comment attracting a facebook like. The fight has not really at all become known as 'The battle of Brown Zippo', or possibly: 'Anal-alamo'. What's known is that these two Elite Hardcore anti-realism, socialite fundamentalist teams will go head to head in down town Swynerton! Probably.
In exclusive made-up interviews granted to this reporter, Ricktion 'Bearer of internet truths and male cow
We are gonna bleep bleep bleep those bleeping Mother bleepers.
I fucking hate those guys. He added, once the nearby car alarm had stopped going off.
Or maybe it was the Portuguese, I can never remember... I'm usually drunk when I play. he concluded.
Rocket 'head of bookings, dyslexia and launches' then chipped in:
Universal Exports stand for equality and
freewill. There are only two things we hate in the world - Intolerance for other people's cultures, and
A man in a girl's dress from Limp Bravo offered a typo littered statement that declared all out war on the Universe as well as a boycott of Lego Exports.
Off the record it is suspected that this reporter made up the report, as UE obtained the following quote from
Hey all I did was put his lighter where I put most things... Dude can you fill my water pistol up
before my dog comes back?.
In an attempt to Diffuse tensions, HammerTime 'head of minority relations' went on record to say
fucking orange, cheese munching dope heads are gonna get a 280fps Paintball anal enema IN THE ASS!
...And not the nice kind of enema! he added.
Digging a little further, and using the drunk ramblings of Big D after 19 pints, it seems that UE have unearthed the shocking truth (2) behind the happy go lucky 'crazy' Dutch façade that Limp Bravo promote. They are in fact Neo-Conformists with the hidden agenda. When the Orange rule, it will become law that all bacon dishes should be accompanied with lettuce.
Big D then fell off his chair, and after 3 minutes of passing in and out of consciousness he returned and
UE have said enough is enough I have not become the rotund shape paintballer I am today by eating
Lettuce Big D stated further before being driven off to the Playboy Mansion to link up some new
Further comment from Limp Bravo was sought after, but after putting up with a tirade of gibberish, it was like they were speaking a different language.
I could tell they were trying to speak in tongues until I joined their orange cult, so I signed off by simply
slapping them in the face with my cock, shouting
You're gonna die clown and then escaped using Mr P's
well known strategy of running left then right then left again in plain sight until shot.
To ensure this reports integrity, a neutral opinion was garnered from our
Brazillian basque-wearing friends.
When asked the question 'Are the gibberish-spouting, cheese-Vikings from Tulip Land a credible
organization?' a Portuguese purveyor of leather footwear offered a resounding
NO!, then moved my hand
off her knee.
In conclusion after heroic efforts to find the truth of the cause of this conflict I have to say that it was the responsibility of the Austro-Dutch Empire to take the assassination on the chin and be the bigger man. Anyway I heard on good authority that Ferdinand was a bit of a dick.
I am Malcolm 'Thrust' Nunn and that's why I drink.
(1) The term 'factual' in the Welsh Dictionary translates roughly into English as 'the papers
printed it so it must be true'.
(2) The word 'truth' is used from the often used but little documented 'Fermented Hops and Water' dictionary and therefore may or may not in fact be true.