Cutting edge research from Project Guacamole (previously called the Falafel Project, Project Balsamic, Project Vol-au-vent, The Philadelphia Project and Project Tofu) has revealed that real life jobs are actually more stressful and unpleasant than Scenario paintball and some people need to get a fucking grip.
The average work day is eight hours plus an extra one for the purposes of sucking-up, not including a soul dissolving commute. (Excluding Portugal, Greece and those other bongo-bongo lands.)
The Universal University for Exports for BIV Research (UUfEfBIVR) found that while both are essentially horrible, office work is worse because you have to pretend to like it. Critically, it was also discovered that scenario paintball is just a game.
Professor Primate, official maker-up-of-bollocks-for-interviews at UUfEfBIVR said:
With a job you need
to feign interest in whatever tedious products or services your company is selling. With Scenario
Paintball it does not really matter if you lose. In fact, statistically you will likely lose 50% of the
Primate added -
The really interesting thing we discovered was that, despite the fact that paintball is a
game, there some very stern people within the scenario community who take it at least as seriously as a
wake, or the loss of a major pension fund. This was shown to be a much more serious attitude than they
took with their jobs. Or girlfriends. Not that any of them had any.
A lot regular players feel the need to follow trends usually based around inexplicably
disproportionate anger towards someone. This was a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. We tried to explain
it using logic, but it seems to be a vain attempt to fit in.
Sutcliffe, who is majoring in Reality Checks at UUfEfBIVR pointed out:
Since Scenario Paintball is not real, it's perfectly possible to just walk away and get on with the rest
of your life knowing you never have to see these people again. Most people realise this, but there are
definitely some rogue elements to the community who insist on staying to the end in some further vein
hope that… for example: they might get a mention from the event organisers about how great their assault
of the bridge was.
This is a classic validation substitution, which is a coping mechanism. Shit job? Terrible home life?
Well, that is OK, because you captured the flag. Sort of. Well someone else did, but you were there.
Comparing this to real life, we can prove using maths that:-
Within paintball there are no promotion prospects. Scenario paintball games take the form: 'Here's a simple set of tasks - try and do it'. There is thus no need to put any more effort in than is needed, in fact - this simple approach is actually quite relaxing to some.
If it was real like an office job, there would be an abhorrent social pressure to stay late as a sly
political move to achieve personal advancement. Take Universal Exports as an example; the culture is to
fuck off to the pub at the first opportunity. In fact, this has happened many times while combat is
Our study found that they usually have a fucking ace time by keeping things in context.
This also has a stunning correlation with them having spent literally under ten seconds complaining on
paintball forums in their whole lives.
The more astute of you will notice that there are also women in the pub.