UE team members testing positive for traces of a soul will be forced to watch ITV2 for protracted periods until they are no longer capable of joy. Also it should be engrained that the only acceptable leisure activities are going to the gym and assembling flat pack furniture. [Source].

Excessive use of the fucks given-o-meter within Universal Exports training has caused apparent changes in personality by several of the team. These troubled paintballers have developed a kind of schizophrenia, creating ridiculous new personas, and with this trend spreading OFFPAINT have been forced to intervene.

Some cynics have just claimed that this is just an ongoing midlife crisis; an attempt to seem interesting.

37-year-old Matthew Parson has decided to call himself 'Veteran P' and begun waking with a limp, constantly flinching at loud noises, loudly crowbarring his catchphrase Oh yeah... she wants the P into as many conversations as feasible.

He said: 'Veteran P' is a troubled ex-solder who is trying his hand at acting and spot of novel fiction like Andy McNab. He gets laid most nights, as opposed to 'Matthew' who works in an office and is slightly overweight.

I've have gouged names of fake fallen comrades using a BIC pen into my arm. This has covered me in unsightly scares but as we all know chicks dig scars. As long as they are just by the hair line on your face or on the fore-arm… anything else is considered 'rough'. Apparently scars caused from excessive genital warts are a definite no-no.

I'm going to tell everyone that my parents were punk poets who died of drug overdoses. The trauma caused me to join the army at one of the most difficult times in recent history. It's kind of true, in a strictly fictional way. Although I'd like to add in a very real sense that they are dead inside from doing their corporate finance jobs. I still love them though of course, if that's possible in 2014.

Andy 'Primate' Moore has a new persona that he will revert to in a desperate attempt to touch BIVs. Instead of being a hedge fund manager from an upper middle class family in Kent, he will be a yoga practitioner who works with animals and gives generously to the RSPCA.

This experiment was a somewhat pleasant failure in some regards, as BIVs literally couldn't give even the slightest fuck about you or your ethics, right until you feed them 4 quad vods. At this point they will let you use them like a flexible crash test dummy and thank you afterwards.

He said: No one knows I own a few race horses and a house in Whistler, I want to keep it that way. He added I'm going to tell everyone I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy a lap dance. Not sure this is relevant but I thought you might like to know, it might help me fit in.

Rocket Rob has stated My paintball persona is urban and hedonistic, with a big coat, but still somewhat open to meeting rich girls and marrying into money.

He added: Pretending to be cool for the first time can be intimidating. The main thing is don't spray people with saliva when you talk and write the details of your 'most illegal experience' on your wrist for easy reference.

OFFPAINT are worried that this could spread to the wider paintball world. A panel of 'expert' has produced a report of the possible ramifications if a viral spread of this new affliction. This expert is predicting this year's paintball personas could be the most ridiculous yet, as social media intensifies the pressure to be unique.

However it has been pointed out that Universal Exports are not particularly popular and their recruited players usually joined by mistake. It estimates that a limited number have been exposed to the fucks given-o-meter.