UE players to be tested for soul with Fucks Given-o-Meter

The emptyness in your soul will overwhelm all

Against all odds, and like the rash you ignore but won't go away without a crushing visit to Genito-Urinary medicine, UE have grown in size to become a powerful 1 member 2 of the Paintball community.

Due to the unexpected and unexplained growth of the collective, the recruitment process will be modified to added further difficulties before you can become a member.

Because we still hate you all.

Rocket, the team's resident dyslexic spambot points out:

The current pre-requisites of 'self-hate' and 'large wallet possession' will now no longer be enough. As paintball industry leaders 3 Universal Exports now are only recruiting paintballers that are concerned with bad mouthing other players on the internet and bragging about charity fun runs that they never actually did.

The Aryan gobshite continued...

In order that we also remove all dry-rot from the team, we will apply this process internally at first. However, this left us with a problem - we needed to find a way to actually recruit people...

To that end UE spent an eternity (20 minutes) deep inside the bunker (the pub) with jalapeños, mustard and Nutella working day and night (mid afternoon) to come up with a new entry requirement for the team. Eventually the advanced research team, lead by Mr P came up with, not only a new test, but a completely new technology.

This new technology is a scientific breakthrough; much like the invention of the transistor, it will change the world as we know it!

But in a really shit way.

The new technology has spawned a device known as a 'Fucks Given-o-Meter' and was developed in the previously named 'Philadelphia project'. It will allow scenario teams to check whether members have traces of humanity in their system. The Fucks Given-o-Meter analyses players sweat for traces of hope, empathy and imagination - attributes commonly associated with having a soul. The presence of any of these items, commonly associated with being a human, will trigger a single ominous bleep that means they should start putting their stuff back in the car and go home.

UE team members testing positive for traces of a soul will be forced to watch ITV2 for protracted periods until they are no longer capable of joy. Also it should be engrained that the only acceptable leisure activities are lying about going to the gym and assembling flat pack furniture under stern and consistent berating from a third party who is somehow annoyed even though they're making their furniture for them.


1 Powerful is used in its illustrative sense, meaning 'average'; it is by no means used in its literal sense of 'having great power or strength'.

2 Member is used in its illustrative sense, meaning 'group of people that no one really likes'; it is by no means used in its literal sense of 'One that belongs to a group or an organization'.

3 Industry Leader is used in its illustrative sense, meaning 'people of literally no importance'; it is by no means used in its literal sense of 'an organisation that is considered the most effective in its area or industry, for example, because it sells more products, makes more profit, or has a better known brand than its competitors'.