Dappy from N-Dubz outed as UE's very own Hammertime

Dappy from N-Dubz outed as UE's very own Hammer Time

UE's own Hammer Time has been revealed as the enigmatic hiphop artist Dappy.

The 47-year-old recorded two albums of gritty, streetwise UK hiphop under the name Dappy while simultanously ghost writing the Warhammer 40K books.

He was nominated for a MOBO Award but didn't turn up as he was at the UK Scenario Awards patting himself on his own back like the other quasi-professional paintballers. UE were not invited - their requests being met by comments such as If you spent the amount of time outside of the safe zone that you do on your website, maybe you could come... as well as Fuck off and Stop calling this number.

He was able to enter despite not being black as he mounted a successful legal challenge to the Government. Welsh people are now classified differently on all official documents, and are legally required to mark themselves as Afro American on all future censuses. The less ironic sexist/racist/facist persons within the rap movement of MOBO were actually amused enough to support his application. When asked about this, they explained it was so they could look at him a say Aww that's a cute Welshman.

Since being reclassified as Afro American, there has been confusion on what makes someone British. Fire as hot as the sun was seen spewing from Daily Mail owner Paul D'Acre's ears. Who, by the way, has a foreign sounding name.

He added: I wrote most of the WarHammer 40K Codex books because I was trying to get enough money together for studio equipment and a better laptop. Now that enough geek idiots have bought it, I can watch porn with everything turned up to 11 in a two acre wipe-clean house.

Seriously... If they want to fix the recession, stop trying to fleece single mums and disabled people. Geeks basically give their all money to anyone who asks in the right way. With the amount of money they spend, George RR Martin must barely have any cock left.

At a recent UE Bunga-Bunga party, raver Bruce Forsyth said to us: I was certain I saw Hammertime DJing at a Stockport warehouse party in 2011. He had his hooded top pulled right up but you could see it was him, the police turned up to bust the party but he gave them £0.00000005 million in cash to go away, like BAM - just out of his pocket. I was all: Are you Hammertime? and he replied No, you're just off your head, go and dance.

Hammertime was booked to play at Paintfest 2013. However, after a protracted contract negotiation the deal fell through when he refused to share the stage with Mrs Paintfest. He did not want to be upstaged by a BIV so returned to his hotel room in Sutton Coldfield with pictures of last year's Mrs Paintfest, some Kleenex and bottle of hand cream.

145 year-old Paintball fan Niallist said: As a Dappy/Hammertime collector, the diversity of his career is getting exhausting. I am going to have to take a break from paintball just to pay for all his new material, it's quite a large backdoor catalogue

That sounded a bit gay didn't it. Well I'm not. Alright?

On 25 September 2012, Hammertime was arrested and bailed after he was accused of making death threats with a gun. His home in Crinkly Bottom was raided following the incident by police looking for a firearm. They found over £6000 worth of Games Workshop miniatures, a three level 80 square foot Hornby train-set and a porn collection bigger than the Alexandria Library. He was released with a caution and told to get some fresh air.

Three days later while traveling to Paintugal BIG Game he was removed from the Stansted to Porto flight by police after it touched down, with fellow N-Dubz performers Cosford & Coaxial, after appearing to be acting disorderly. A source said: They were swearing at kids on the plane, being foul and threatening passengers with forum bans.

He added Nobody on the flight knew who they were. We still don't.

Hammertim, in between turns in an Ultramarines vs Tyranid game
Hammertime [L]. Pic taken inbetween turns in an Ultramarines vs Tyranid game.