Scenario Paintball Tickets to clearly state how you're being exploited

Your face the next time you pay for paintball

UE have the exclusive on NEW rules that require all Scenario Events to explain in full detail how customers are being ripped off. Exploitation is widespread within paintball, and there have been protests around the world, including Cairo. Apparently it's just the kind of thing they like to do there.

The Government have launched a raft of measures aimed to improve quality and reduce cost, similar to every other thing that they have done in the last 3 years. They sought expert advice and consulted the public. After this lengthy and expensive process they proceeded to do the exact opposite of what was required, ensuring that they fuck over the maximum number of people possible. Also, as usual they have ensured that legislation prioritises victimising the poor and vulnerable.

Paintball is a relatively young sport, with keen (and obese) members. Instead of logically supporting what is a growing industry (even in recession) – for example offering an incentive or funding for a growing and inventive way to use our beautiful countryside, the Government has launched a cripplingly expensive new industry watchdog called OFFPAINT that is likely to cause another recession.

Great job.

OFFPAINT are to create the police state, similar to that of 1984, within the paintball community. The Government seems to have had its usual problems however. Instead of hiring competent people with experience - for example: ex-military or police – they have simply hired some people who bummed them while they were at Eton together.

OFFPAINT have already began to start work from a hugely expensive highrise office in Central London. £2.4 billion has already been spent on branding, with their moto being launched soon: Get it, read it, accept it (like the bitch you are).

There are some legislation changes many paintballers will be happy about:

Clearly-labelled charges will be now be compulsory on all ticket purchases, and will almost certainly include: Standing Charge, Handling Charge, Fake Handling Charge, Lying Charge, Lying To Government Charge and We Didn't Think You'd Notice This Charge.

All communication from promoters also needs to match the intentions and/or spirit of the true message intended. Embarassingly for promoters, most forum posts/circular emails will have to start: Dear Hapless Masses by law!

A spokesman for OFFPAINT said: Everyone knows they're having hundreds of pounds a year flat-out stolen from them by their event provider, but it can be very difficult to work out what that money is being spent on.

John Connelly, of the north, said: Apparently £26.25 of my ticket bill was spent on cleaning the site after use, and £26.85 was spent on covering up how cheap paint actually is when bought in bulk. Which obviously I'm fine with.

No wait. Ive just realised I'm chewing a fucking brick about it.

£28.32 was spent on 'massage parlour extras'. I would like to know where these extras are, and how I can get such a good rate.

UE has a man on the inside (that's not a gay joke by the way) and will keep you updated about the upcoming work of OFFPAINT.

OFFPAINT in action already