UK Paintball Sports Federation membership to include Games Workshop membership

Cool hammer bro

In an effort to boost membership of both 'sports', UKPSF and Games Workshop have merged into one governing body. They have been competing for revenue from the same members since 1987.

Clearly there will be some compromises on both sides but this is for the greater good of paintballers/nerds across the whole country; indeed the world. Even Portugal (now called New South Somerset).

If you've not heard about either 'sport', for example: because you have a girlfriend, here is an overview:

Games workshop background

Created in 1987, Warhammer 40,000's mixture of realistic turns-based strategy gaming and a dystopian sci-fi universe was an instant hit with millions of nerds, many of whom became self-confessed obsessives.

Paintball background

Created in 1987, Paintballing's mixture of realistic real-time strategy gaming and a dystopian sci-fi universe was an instant hit with millions of nerds, many of whom became self-confessed obsessives.

...but there are some similarities.

After an event both parties like to post statistics on the internet, often spending days or weeks discussing small details that have no bearing on real life or indeed the next event. A typical event involves sitting around checking internet forums and drinking lucozade.

To show solidarity all future scenario events will be based in the Warhammer universe. The first event run by Apoc will be a capture the flag event based around Imperial Guard and Tyanids. As all ladies know, the Tyranid are a race of quasi-reptilian aliens whose voracious appetite for bio-mass has propelled them into conflict with the Imperium.

Umpire decisions will now be resolved with the throw of a dice... a special gamers' dice called a D12.

We spoke to UE's Crunch, a man who has both actually been a soldier, and has done more than 7 sit-ups (but not for a while):

Scenario paintballers are nerds. Fact.

He continued: If they had the balls they would play sup-air as it is actually competitive, unlike scenario when you never really lose. When things go bad you can just retire to the safe zone and prick about with your marker for 4 hours until the game is over and if you do re-join you can just sit at the back and long ball.

He added, The Warhammer guys are almost as bad, so I see why it's a match. Both borrow from historical events and other fantasy settings in a weird Daily Mail way. Mental idiots queue up to be 'Space Marines', or to fight on the 'UK side'. It's like they're still 12 and actually believe they're a genetically engineered killing machine in the far future, and not an overweight about to be single guy having a midlife crisis.

Also – have you seen people argue with the refs? They might as well be claiming a line of sight problem around a Baneblade, or bad dice rolls.

Christ. I'm ashamed I even know what that is... he added.

Fuck it. They'll be as easy to kill as paintballers. Those guys are mincers, big time. Serious. Look how angry they get if the Burger Van hasn't got tea on in the morning. Grow a set. Seriously.

The self-appointed leaders of the paintball community have discussed and floated several events to start this union:

Night Lords v Dark Angels v Black Legion
A three way night battle taking place during the day. The event lasts from 2pm til 6pm. This will keep costs down as the local rave scene has forced up the price of Glow Sticks. Also slackers in the safezone can check their twitter accounts during play without 'lighting' themselves up.
Horace Heresy, based on the LSD inspired ramblings of Arpad Elo.
This will be an old vs young game, with one side determined to show their elders they can make it on their own and don't require constant lecturing and being told what to do verses a faction who are just happy to be away from the wife.
Utramarines vs World Eaters
All Paintball Sites have red and blue packing tape and will save on overheads – and lets face it who would not want to shout 'More skulls for the skull throne!' before a suicidal charge.
Someone who's gone through puberty - that's who.
Orks v Eldar
A space opera variation of NvS where ballet dancing and swearing incoherently will win points. The Scottish are expected to favour this game.
Dawn of War (on your wallet)
A mega hyped, high priced, single game of 2 hours. As per normal paintball, you will be expected to turn up on a Sunday at 6:30, and play will eventually begin shortly after midday. Games Workshop believes that games of reduced duration allows players more time to buy their expensive models from their shiny website; UK Paintball Sports Federation are in full agreement as it will allow more Facebook and Forum opinions posted per second on why the game was unfair or amazing depending on if you won or not.
Word Bearers v Imperial Guard v Necrons v Space Wolves
The Word Bearers will outnumber the other 3 factions put together. They will then still try to get the Imperial Guard and Necrons to join them in massacring the much hated Wolves. This will probably result in he Wolves moaning how unfair it was that the other 3 ganged up on them and gave them a good kicking!
To be fair this is standard at all games already: only the faction names of THE various WORLDS forces at WAR have had their names changed to protect the innocent. err.. OF?
War of the Cherry
The much anticipated game will feature the first ever all girl faction, the Hymens of Battle.
Hymens will be defending against the sexually insecure Tyranid horde (HiveFleet Facial Enema) in a scenario where they have to protect the shrine of the fishy petals from the frustrated ravening hordes that want nothing more that spray them in sticky biomass. This game is expected to go well into the night, even after the game has officially ended.
Shoreline Chronicles
Embattled Space Marines fight the insidious independent Tao base at CERN to locate the bulk Teleporter they desperately need for the Tippman Challenge. This being developed as part of the top secret research project, codename: 'Project Balsamic' (previously called Project Vol-au-vent, The Philadelphia Project and Project Tofu).

There are even less women in Warhammer than paintball