Universal Exports have announced a new team captain for upcoming 12 months. The appointment attempts to assuage criticism that current members have recently been seen leaving the safezone and engaging in objective based play, a charge which they strenuously deny.
We are pleased to announce the appointment of a truly sinister blonde madman who'll make Javier Bardem
look like your kindly maiden aunt playing the part of Mother Teresa in a panto for a Rwandan Kids
charity, said Hammertime in-between rolling D20s at an Romford Games Workshop Warhammer 40k all day
Julian Assange, who allegedly inked the deal yesterday at his extradition-proof quarters inside the Ecuadorian embassy in London, will bring 'an extra edge of grandiose delusion' to Universal Exports' scenario play.
Unfortunately due to Assange's limited scope for travel, the likelihood is that his participation will take a more administration role of planning and financial embezzlement. He also intends to make supporting troll posts of inappropriate animated gifs on ukscenario.com and p8ntballer-forums.com forums.
Although UE hope he can attend the fantasy game of Stargate using CGI, like a shit version of Escape from LA. Teamed with a computer-generated Assange UE can now be the brutal force they should be, allowing them to perform the most technically demanding manoeuvres on the field of play. For example: as sitting in the safe zone complaining about their poor physical state, as well as classics such as playing with the settings on their markers.
Edward Snowden was also a candidate for the team captain, but the constant change of mind over which country he would like to base his campaigns from proved problematic for UE. Most UE members have restricted travel due to restraining orders/Electronic Tagging (legal and marital), so they have ensure they are back from all events before 7pm like a bunch of fucking babies.
After Edward Snowden muted he would like to stay in Russia UE looked in to the logistics for getting the team to and from Russia in one day to ensure we would be back home for Antiques Road Show. This would prove challenging, and following North Korea's recent transportation issues, it was clear that Assange is more aligned to our team goals and aspirations. Assange was chosen as the logical option. Again CERN have been drafted in to continue research into the teleportation device but that has been delayed somewhat by 'Project Vol-au-vent' (previously called The Philadelphia Project and Project Tofu).
Following the success of UE's economy event last year they are planning a number of events to welcome the new team captain, UE will hold a number of scenario events sometime in the future as a tribute to the glorious team leader. As above, due to the travel restriction UE have had to be creative. With this in mind, the UE studio has already created three virtual Assanges, one for each of the trio of working titles for the project, which we reveal here for the first time:
Assange plays an information-obsessed Australian with a diabolical plan to nuke rival email servers in order to artificially drive up the value of his own holdings of sensitive electronic traffic. His ambitions are thwarted by a rival PB team armed with several international arrest warrants for made up BIV molesting charges. He unsuccessfully attempts to get these charges struck off on account of being a hologram, and forces are sent in.
The scenario ends when he's sucked out of a depressurising airlock while trying to escape to Rhyl.
Driven by an obsessive sense of manifest destiny, Assange constructs an incredible orbiting space station from which he and a selected few BIVs will repopulate the Earth after the rest of humanity has been bored to death by exposure to millions of confidential but ultimately deadly dull US government documents.
However Assange is sucked out of an airlock while trying to evade longballers and astronauts from the Swedish Prosecution Authority. AKA Swedish Scenario Paintball players.
You Only Leak Twice
From his fantastical bunker complex under the London embassy of a fictitious banana republic, Assange attempts to provoke nuclear war between the US and Russia by publishing confidential emails in which diplomats from both sides deride each others' table manners, dress sense and general lack of personal hygiene. His key weakness being that opposition PB teams can disguise themselves as a buxom Swedish wench, penetrate and destroy his lair with the assistance of the Metropolitan Police
During the final battle he is sucked out of an underground airlock near Shoreditch trying to evade hipsters trying to sell him 'real coffee, man'.