Lenny Henry has been stuck in a high earth orbit for 2 months waiting for the Republic of BEST Korea to rescue him from space. A spokesperson for the totalitarian state with little grasp of English was quoted as stating:
...for the past 63 years we have glorious most punctual public transport system in world. However
difficult upgrade to Windows 8 cause all timetables to lost due to a .doc/.docx error!
Due to capitalist scum Windows we now back port entire system back to chalk and slate. Windows support
engineer are not fast, he continued.
BEST KOREA will not be defeated by Steve Ballmer. BEST KOREA is resourceful master race. For web access we
staple paper note to donkey and walk it to IP address. he added, saluting repeatedly.
This has caused the Starship Premier-Interprise to be indefinitely postponed until the upgrade is complete. However, even without these delays major parts that Tippmann need for the construction are still stuck in customs at the Panama Canal.
Cuba had agreed to provide parts in exchange for appropriate supporting forum posts and supplies in their ongoing multi-generational troll of the USA. North Korea had also covertly acquired an admin account on the Economist website, and these login details had been stapled to a donkey on the captured vessel.
If Cuba was able to feed misinformation to high powered capitalists through this forum, they could be manipulated to ruin the entire world economy using the bloated, massively overpowered and irresponsibly regulated banking sector. Again.
Beaming a message down from the Brown Eye satellite, a despondent Henry could only say:
What a pack of bollocks. This certainly sounds like another Shoreline cover up to me. I'm going to start
collecting evidence. Space evidence.
Since Henry will be marooned for the foreseeable future, the Met Office have commissioned him to repair a malfunctioning weather controlling satellite called Vulcan. It is believed to be the cause of the UK's recent unusual weather. Usually this is permanently aimed at west Asia in an attempt to keep America's economy the strongest in the world by suppressing the growth of India, Thailand and so forth... The theory is that its guidance software has accidentally been upgraded to Apple Maps. This has caused it to believe that Jaipur, Bangkok and Yangon and in the same place as Rhyl, Kettering and Barnsley.
If this is completed successfully there could be a possible contract extension to explore deep space. Probably 9.
The Met Office are sending Henry assistance in the form of August 'Gus' Gorman, the eccentric and talented hacker from Superman 3. Gus has been unemployed since the actor Richard Pryor's death and is looking forward to moving on.
Repairs are expected to take up to 2 weeks.
A Met Office spokesman said:
Some would argue that a professional comedian's character and hotel
advertiser is not the obvious choice for an advanced satellite repair project. Those people are
We don't feel this will be a problem, and once the repair job is complete our plan is to send Henry and
Gorman to a new planet that has just entered the solar system, Krypton. Once they get there, they will
just need to conduct some simple meteorological tests, and collect some samples of kryptonite. It should
all be pretty straightforward.
Interestingly Gorman will only take payment in the form of building a super computer for him. The Met Office has commissioned Webster enterprises (a subsidiary of LIPS) to build it for him. The computer will have vast analytical power, so there is a slight risk of the computer becoming self-aware. It could then begin to defend itself against all attempts to disable it, draining power from electrical towers causing massive blackouts.
We will also have itunes installed, and bound to a hotkey. itunes takes 85 minutes to load, even on the
most advanced super computers known to man. While the computer is uselessly hanging we will have plenty
of time to have someone fly down a canyon punching missiles, then predictably get caught in a sticky
As a fool-proof backup we will only fit a 13A fuse and make it vulnerable to acid attack.